Who Popped The Question?

Who did? I did. And what did I get out of that. Headache...and butterflies up my tummy. Heehee~

Did not get the commitment I thought I wanted because I didn't want to. But I did get some answers that I never thought I'd ever wanna hear. Well, not really.

Inbound Or Outbound

That's our main difference. I'm inbound and you're outbound. I told you, maybe that's why we should leave the pot. Remember what we used to say...You take a crap or you leave the pot.

But you were right as well. I wanted to take a crap. If If not for anything else, at least to just be able to say I tried. Then again, you scare me. A lot. And right now, the pot that holds us together is much too precious for me to let go entirely.

Why do we have to be so different? Why do you have to be sooooo into outbound? Why was I born to be so inbound? Can't we just be bound to go to the same place?

I'm to ask the questions and you're to answer them, then why do you keep on giving me more questions? Ohhh, I'm hating outbound people right now.

Let It Be My Hand

Let it be my hand that you hold
when you lie awake in bed
when you stare at the stars
when your prayers are said

Let it be my hand that you hold
at days when you're lonely
at times when you're distressed
at moments when you feel guilty

Let it be my hand you hold
and let it be me you touch
let it be my soul you keep
and my heart that you catch

Let me fall.

Unsaid

They say that some things are better left unsaid.

Had coffee with 2 other friends this afternoon at Megastrip. And we disagree, some things are meant to be discussed and aired out. Yes, there's a dinosaur in this room and someone's gotta say it out loud instead of everyone trying hard to ignore such an obvious fact.

I have to make sense out of this situation. I've to know how to define this undefined thing. I've to learn what this is all about. I've to hear from him where I stand.

My girl friend on the other hand has to understand that there are still some unresolved issues in her life. That somehow, even when things seem okay, she's gotta learn to admit the fact that there are loose ends in the past that needs to be mended. And that it would never happen unless she acknowledges the fact that it really is there.

My guy friend as I see it should know how to handle such situation. A simple decision is all he needs. He needs to decide how far he's willing to take his chances. A chance is a chance, then again, you can win so much in a game of chance...Ayt?

All in all, we had a great time. We scratched our heads, we raised our points, we stared into space but in the end, it just plain nice to spend time with friends who not only shows you the options in your life, but who magnifies the possiblities that you have.

Until our next coffee date.

Let This Be It

I've come to realize a lot of things that past year. I think I did a lot more of growing up the past 12 months or so than I did the last 23 years of my life combined. Finding myself was the main focus. Lately though, it has shifted. I'm trying to find another chance to love and be loved. Yeah, sure sound crappy and sappy, but heck, that's the truth there.

Now I'm ready. No more push backs. No more playing the field (did I ever?!). No more games. I'm gonna meet my greatest fear head on this time. If given the chance, this night. I'm gonna lay everything on the line. Take it or leave it, I'd have to make a run for my life. And my heart.

Here's to another chapter. i'm done making myself better for me. I'm ready to make myself better for someone else. I'm done finding my heart, I'm here to look for someone to give it to.

Let's wait and see. This should be fun. The flood gates are open and the mind is set...Let's begin.

Finally!

For a month and a half I did nothing week after week but bury myself in work. Finally last night I was able to meet up with friends, and no, not just over coffee.

As usual, I'm grateful for the p*yups people. The warmth and the nostalgia they'd always bring with them when we meet up. It feels nice. Added perks pa! You get to meet new people all the time. Really great people at that. So far, isang beses pa lang palya e. Heehee~ You guys know who that was??? "L" is the name. Harhar.

Before that, I also saw Drew at RMH. Glenn told me that his company is handling the construction of our other floors. Well, he's cute and all, but believe me, I just wanted to see some old familiar faces. Gives me that nice warm feeling all over. I've had good memories with those guys.

After the night with p*yups gang, I went directly to my guys. Janrey got a place in the board exam and we're sorta celebrating. The usual people were there. Mikey, Dylan, Randell, Agnes, Dylan's mates. Cool fries them all. Great conversation. Good food. Hearty laughter. Of course the non stop bickering about one's past and loves. Hahaha~ Hinde na naubos ang issues, about the same set of people naman. It's nice still. Got Randell's version on video. 10 minutes of true to life drama. Harhar, Randell I can hold you hostage na...

We went back to the condo around 3AM, and look who's there?! Gary my buddy. I can't help but tell him that I've been seeing an awful lot of old faces. And that I miss them all...Now, where's Chow?

I slept a coupla hours this morning. I'm up again. I'm to meet up with Yuri and Aian later. Hopefully, I'd get to see Patrick as well. If not, I'll probably meet up with Randy and Rei if they're available.

And my partner's a DAD! Congrats partner. Take care of that little angel okay? Kiss her for me and tell her I love her. Just like I love you.

Compare

I was just browsing through my photos and I thought I'd try doing a before and after blog of myself. After all, people I've just met are having a hard time imagining me as the nerdy looking girl that I was. Hey, I can still pull out that do anytime, Noreen saw me once in my sweat pants, shrit, tsinelas and glasses and Jane told her that I used to look like that every single day. Without make-up, my hair on a bun or with scrunchies on. Glasses and really drab clothes. Yeah, and without my stilts. She was shocked.

As the old AT&T people would claim, I used to be covered by my jacket always. ZIpped up and closed. Sweat pants and guy sandals are my fashion statement and the hair is just plain...plain. Well, there goes the old me and now the me that you know. Which is better??? If you'd ask me, nothing's changed.

What's Your Romantic Pattern?

Hanne, your romantic pattern is Second Chances!

The Second Chances pattern is rooted in nostalgia — whether you're longing for the ex you haven't seen in a year, or are reminiscing about the crush you never connected with 10 years ago.

But, here's the recurring pattern you may see in your relationships: A longing to recapture someone or something that can reconnect you to a time in your life when love was a larger focus.

Whether you do it consciously or not, most people who migrate towards the Second Chances pattern either want to revise a past decision, confront someone they couldn't at the time, or revert back to a specific point in time.

This romantic pattern is repeated more times than you could imagine. Take the film "Peggy Sue Got Married," for instance. In it, a housewife faints at her high school reunion and wakes up in her senior year at high school with the chance to change her destiny. The root of your pattern too, may arise from these feelings, that you need to reconnect with a time in your life when love was a larger focus of your life and responsibilities were much fewer.

But it also might stem from other things as well. Your romantic pattern may arise out of regret for the past, or a desire to go back when things were easier. Did you have a particularly easy, fun adolescence? Have you recently suffered a loss — perhaps a divorce or the death of a loved one — that's made you long for the period before that incident?

Are you acutely aware that decisions carry with them a strong impact? Do you spend a lot of time analyzing your decisions, going over things you've said or done in your mind. Or are you simply sentimental, in love with old books and classic films, as well as your own memories? It's no wonder this is such a common romantic pattern. How many films feature starlets staring off dreamily into a recollection of days past? How question books reveal a heroes and heroines kept apart in the beginning, only to find themselves together at the end?

Romantic films and books often use this archetypal pattern of paradise lost and regained to create some of the greatest love stories of all time. "Casablanca" is one of the greatest renditions of this romantic pattern. In it Rick, played by Humphrey Bogart, is haunted by a brief romance with Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman), shattered by circumstances beyond their control. "The Way We Were," another classic, follows a similar story line. In "American Beauty," Kevin Spacey plays a man who tries to recapture his youth through an affair with a teenage girl. These patterns are so powerful precisely because they are so easy to relate to. This historical romantic pattern overpowers everybody at one point or another. How this tried and true pattern plays out in individual lives, varies from person to person.

Updates

First time that I've been absent twice in an entire work week. Yipee! It's so good to know I'm still me. Tamad sometimes.

I'm missing someone terribly. Now, what to do? Try and forget that someone that's what.

Asked Kait to head to Greenbelt after her work. Hmm, no answer yet.

Might see the peyups peeps later at UP.

And Janrey's gonna give it out tonight. Celebration!!!

Dating & Me

After months and months of chatting and discussing the in and out of my relationship with men over YM, Aian and I finally had the time to talk it over coffee. And so after shift I went to Eastwood and met up with my long lost buddy.

We really got it goin' I'll tell you. Hahaha~

Remember just how much I wanted him to be mine? Or just how exciting the entire thing is for me. I guess, he saw that. And more. I can't be more obvious than obvious. I felt like a kid gushing about her first crush. Yeah~ I felt silly telling someone my deepest thoughts and ideas about dating. And the guy I want and all the insane reasons why I want him. He's a good sport though. Can't ask for a better person to listen to me rant about that part of my life.

Turns out he thinks I'm not checkin my options. He thinks that my being sharp tongued could actually push potential dates away. I told him, then they don't deserve me. My point is, if he likes me enough, he'd work his way into my life, whether I close all the doors and windows and every other single crevice in sight, he'd manage to get to me. Nah, there's no romance included in that. It's just the way it is. If you want something, get it. If you like me enough, get me. That simple.

He also pointed that maybe, I have to change my standards. Not to lower 'em down, but change 'em. Then again, to what??? Hmmm...

I'd try to make it simple. I just want someone who can lead and be the one who wears the pants in a relationship. I want someone who's got strong opinion about anything and everything but is sensitive enough to understand what others have to say. I want someone driven and passionate. I want someone who has the same priorities as I do. I want someone who can shine beside me. Who can carry great conversations with the smartest minds around. Who can woo the public and gain everyone's admiration. I want a man that every other girl would want and every other guy would want to become.

There! That's where I caught myself. That's when I wanted to bang my head againts the asphalt of Eastwood. Dang! I want someone THAT perfect. Then again, who doesn't?

And heck, I was able to find someone who's almost all that. And then some. Just one thing about him...I'd let Aian point that obvious thing out.

Tragic

Like everyone else, I've heard of the 70+ people who perished at Ultra. The moment I came home last Saturday, the first thing that I was asked was if I saw the bodies. Working in ABS-CBN building makes everyone thinks I work for them. I don't. I guess, my lola forgot that when she asked me. They we're all staring at the TV screen. I went through my usual morning deeds and as I finally sat with them over the dining table to have my breakfast I realized what the ruckus was all about.

I stopped listening the minute I realized the extent of the situation. I can't. I'd get depressed. The first thing that came into my head that moment I was trying to move the incident off of my head was that the death toll was extremely high. Could it be that i heard the news wrong? The country would be battered by hurricanes yearly yet, you'd hear that less would perish compared to the number I just heard. Then I saw the number flash onto the screen. Sad.

Until now I don't know the entire story. I never saw more than a minute of footage on TV and all i know I just heard from everyone around me. You can say I don't have the courage to face tragedies like these.

I'm not turning a blind eye. I just don't want people to see what's on my eye.

An Open Letter II

You know dear...I gotta do this more often. Letting off steam and all. KSP lang ata ako. Just waiting for someone to make me pansin.

This thing that's been going on...well, it's been there ever since. It would surface now and then. Different reasons but all the same shitty feeling. I've this feeling sometimes that life is making me so uncomfortable to keep me moving. Makes sense?

Honestly though, sometimes I wish I could whisk you away from everything. I know how you've wanted to live your life which you can longer afford now. Not that I want you to lose the kids and your husband. Heck, why would I want that. But I sometimes feel that life is so unfair to us. Here I am, living a semblance of what you've wanted. I've all the free time in the world. I don't even know what to with it. And I know for a fact that if you were in my shoes, you'd be jetting off someplace having the adventure of your life. Am I overdoing the imagining here? Haha.

I know you deserve the best. I know you know I do too. Now, where and how to get that is something I can't seem to understand.

How does one become happy? How does one find fulfillment? Someone asked me, on one of those days when I think everything in my life is just shitty, if there's anything in my life that's going well...I can't think of any answer. I just blurted the first thing that came to mind...WORK. Even that, is not going too well. Chances are, if someone asks me again, I'd just stare back at 'em wondering if it's a sin not find anything good in one's life.

Well, I told you this is not something new. It'll pass. Hopefully. Then again, it's like an on-going locust plague. As long as there's something they can feed on they'd survive. Just moving around finding every single morsel to sustain them and the next generation. My fear and these negative feelings aren't going away permanently. I'm sure you'd hear more and more of it as time goes. If only I can do something about their supply, problem is I know for a fact that my fear is fueled by those that I don't know of. I dunno about you, but that's my greatest fear.

You know the most stupid thing I ever did? I once asked God to give me an assurance that I'd end up happy. Me? Asking for assurance from Him. Yeah, I find that stupeeeeed. That's how my mind is working now, lately.

Now, if you'd re-read everything that I wrote here, you'd know just how confused I am. Obvious noh? Well, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, so that should be something.

An Answer

As promised, and better late than never, is my response to your email. Hay naku, where should i even begin?

First of all let me tell you that I understand how you feel because I do feel that way sometimes too. As I have said before, where I am right now isn't really where I wanted my life to go in the first place. Well, I'm not saying that I don't love mykids or Raldie, it's just that there are sooo many things that I wanted to do before which I doubt I'd be able to do now. Well, that's not something to smile about. I mean, I get my pay, don't mean to brag or anything, but with the rate I'm earning I could be shuttling back and forth to wherever. But then, God said, "NO. I gave you this job because you have two kids and you gotta feed them. The money you are earning is no longer for you." KEEEEL MEEEH. hehehe.

Well, that's one thing that you should be thankful about don't you think so? At least you get to keep your money and spend it the way you want to. I'm not saying that you could buy happiness, it's just something I wanna point out to you. Just to remind you that we're on the same boat (sometimes at least). Oh and Raldie knows about this selfish though that I get once in a while. I feel bad that at one point I blurted it out to him without even thinking that I could hurt him by what I say, but he knows.

If you feel that there's nothing to smile about when you get home, lemme tell ya, I miss my home/house. Good for you that you still live with your parents. Good for you that you've got someone to look after you, and that you're sleeping in the comfort of your own bed and that your shitting on your own can. (Jeez, do I really have to put that in?) Yea, I miss my bathroom.

If the bottomline of your depression is the fact that you are alone, and I guess by now it wouldn't work to say that you're better off without anyone, here's what I have to say. At the right time and place you will find someone to be with. I'm betting you're alone because you've got so many things and people to look after. One more person in your life will make you forget about yourself. You're lonely, probably bored... you just gotta find something to set your mind on aside from work and friends. How about setting your mind on YOU? Like thinking about going back to school or finding a new hobby aside from reading or writing or working (hobby?) hehehe. Be productive, learn to commute, to save money--- do something that you haven't done before!

Take me as an example. I'm doing sooo many things I've never even conceived of doing. And (hopefully) look at me now! I'm (almost?) all grown up. hehehe. I know how to commute now, and cross the street, and actually decide on what I wanna do and prioritize on what I need. And this is all because of learning how to step out of my comfort zone. If you say that you're out of your comfort zone, then maybe it's about time to go back to the basics. Learning how to unlearn and to live simply, just like how we were in HS/College. Here's one thing you should remember, be you because that's what how you were meant to be. Don't be this or that because they say so or because they think you should be so. DAMNIT be happy. It's really not that hard. You don't even need to try.

I know or at least I'm guessing, that if you're to compare how you and I feel about things you'd say mine are petty. But honestly, these are things that mean a lot to me. I don't know if I've talked sense into you. I don't even know if I'm making sense. But think about it.

If you feel that you've got so many regrets in life, count me in.

Settling In

She then thought that the end might be near. The echoes have long disappeared. And the shadows have been in hiding for sometime. From the corner of her vision she can fathom a spot of light. Shimmering silently. Glowing faintly.

Feeling the soil underneath her feet, she dug her toes deeper. The dirt filling the gap around her members. An centimeter, another one, an inch, then one whole foot buried...

...Zzzzzz

Why can't I sleep? Well, this time I can, it's just that I've a tendency to wake up hours before my alarm would go off. I had 4 hours of sleep tonight. Errrr...Not helping me.

Pat's got an interview tonight here at RMH. Goodluck, I guess.