An Open Letter II

You know dear...I gotta do this more often. Letting off steam and all. KSP lang ata ako. Just waiting for someone to make me pansin.

This thing that's been going on...well, it's been there ever since. It would surface now and then. Different reasons but all the same shitty feeling. I've this feeling sometimes that life is making me so uncomfortable to keep me moving. Makes sense?

Honestly though, sometimes I wish I could whisk you away from everything. I know how you've wanted to live your life which you can longer afford now. Not that I want you to lose the kids and your husband. Heck, why would I want that. But I sometimes feel that life is so unfair to us. Here I am, living a semblance of what you've wanted. I've all the free time in the world. I don't even know what to with it. And I know for a fact that if you were in my shoes, you'd be jetting off someplace having the adventure of your life. Am I overdoing the imagining here? Haha.

I know you deserve the best. I know you know I do too. Now, where and how to get that is something I can't seem to understand.

How does one become happy? How does one find fulfillment? Someone asked me, on one of those days when I think everything in my life is just shitty, if there's anything in my life that's going well...I can't think of any answer. I just blurted the first thing that came to mind...WORK. Even that, is not going too well. Chances are, if someone asks me again, I'd just stare back at 'em wondering if it's a sin not find anything good in one's life.

Well, I told you this is not something new. It'll pass. Hopefully. Then again, it's like an on-going locust plague. As long as there's something they can feed on they'd survive. Just moving around finding every single morsel to sustain them and the next generation. My fear and these negative feelings aren't going away permanently. I'm sure you'd hear more and more of it as time goes. If only I can do something about their supply, problem is I know for a fact that my fear is fueled by those that I don't know of. I dunno about you, but that's my greatest fear.

You know the most stupid thing I ever did? I once asked God to give me an assurance that I'd end up happy. Me? Asking for assurance from Him. Yeah, I find that stupeeeeed. That's how my mind is working now, lately.

Now, if you'd re-read everything that I wrote here, you'd know just how confused I am. Obvious noh? Well, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, so that should be something.

An Answer

As promised, and better late than never, is my response to your email. Hay naku, where should i even begin?

First of all let me tell you that I understand how you feel because I do feel that way sometimes too. As I have said before, where I am right now isn't really where I wanted my life to go in the first place. Well, I'm not saying that I don't love mykids or Raldie, it's just that there are sooo many things that I wanted to do before which I doubt I'd be able to do now. Well, that's not something to smile about. I mean, I get my pay, don't mean to brag or anything, but with the rate I'm earning I could be shuttling back and forth to wherever. But then, God said, "NO. I gave you this job because you have two kids and you gotta feed them. The money you are earning is no longer for you." KEEEEL MEEEH. hehehe.

Well, that's one thing that you should be thankful about don't you think so? At least you get to keep your money and spend it the way you want to. I'm not saying that you could buy happiness, it's just something I wanna point out to you. Just to remind you that we're on the same boat (sometimes at least). Oh and Raldie knows about this selfish though that I get once in a while. I feel bad that at one point I blurted it out to him without even thinking that I could hurt him by what I say, but he knows.

If you feel that there's nothing to smile about when you get home, lemme tell ya, I miss my home/house. Good for you that you still live with your parents. Good for you that you've got someone to look after you, and that you're sleeping in the comfort of your own bed and that your shitting on your own can. (Jeez, do I really have to put that in?) Yea, I miss my bathroom.

If the bottomline of your depression is the fact that you are alone, and I guess by now it wouldn't work to say that you're better off without anyone, here's what I have to say. At the right time and place you will find someone to be with. I'm betting you're alone because you've got so many things and people to look after. One more person in your life will make you forget about yourself. You're lonely, probably bored... you just gotta find something to set your mind on aside from work and friends. How about setting your mind on YOU? Like thinking about going back to school or finding a new hobby aside from reading or writing or working (hobby?) hehehe. Be productive, learn to commute, to save money--- do something that you haven't done before!

Take me as an example. I'm doing sooo many things I've never even conceived of doing. And (hopefully) look at me now! I'm (almost?) all grown up. hehehe. I know how to commute now, and cross the street, and actually decide on what I wanna do and prioritize on what I need. And this is all because of learning how to step out of my comfort zone. If you say that you're out of your comfort zone, then maybe it's about time to go back to the basics. Learning how to unlearn and to live simply, just like how we were in HS/College. Here's one thing you should remember, be you because that's what how you were meant to be. Don't be this or that because they say so or because they think you should be so. DAMNIT be happy. It's really not that hard. You don't even need to try.

I know or at least I'm guessing, that if you're to compare how you and I feel about things you'd say mine are petty. But honestly, these are things that mean a lot to me. I don't know if I've talked sense into you. I don't even know if I'm making sense. But think about it.

If you feel that you've got so many regrets in life, count me in.

Settling In

She then thought that the end might be near. The echoes have long disappeared. And the shadows have been in hiding for sometime. From the corner of her vision she can fathom a spot of light. Shimmering silently. Glowing faintly.

Feeling the soil underneath her feet, she dug her toes deeper. The dirt filling the gap around her members. An centimeter, another one, an inch, then one whole foot buried...

...Zzzzzz

Why can't I sleep? Well, this time I can, it's just that I've a tendency to wake up hours before my alarm would go off. I had 4 hours of sleep tonight. Errrr...Not helping me.

Pat's got an interview tonight here at RMH. Goodluck, I guess.

An Open Letter

Hey you,

Haven't done this letter writing thing for quite sometime. It's almost 4AM and I just woke up, yeah, you guessed it, restday...haaa, time to catch some sleep. And you know what? I so hate this. I don't like being awake with nothint to do. It might have worked back when I was younger, it was actually cool way back then. Now though, the silence and the lack of things to do makes me think. And yes, mostly the things that I don't want to address.

Funny that just when you thought you're more able to handle anything and everything, that's when you'd wake up realizing that you need help. Like serious help.

Do you have any idea how lonely my days could get? I'm sick. I know you're there, well, maybe not physically. I've got tons of friends, I just gotta choose from which part of the country I wanna hang with. I've got my family and my cousins. I've hobbies and books and more money to burn that I used to. Then why do I feel that my days are actually emptier. Am I mid-life-ing this early?

It might not seem like it, because I don't think I was able to fully show what I was feeling before...but I used to bevery passionate with everything that I do. Now I can't seem to find anything that I like or want enough to keep it. I'm just moving around, exhausting myself just so that for the next few hours I wouldn't remember or feel or see just how empty everything seems.

Now you tell me. Am I going crazy? Hahaha~ Am I harassing you na? Nah, don't worry about me. I just need to let this off. One way or another it'll come out anyway.

I know you don't agree with me whenever I'd say I envy you. You'd always tell me I'm better off being single and all. Maybe you're right. Still, I envy you. Still.

Me

Just A Story To Tell

You,

I hope you're not lying. I hope she was not with you that night you told me you're at work. I hope that you never promised to marry her as she claims. I hope he's not your kid. I hope you didn't lie when i asked you and you said none of it is true and that I'm just going crazy.

Maybe I am. I am crazy for wanting you. I am crazy for believing you. I am crazy for even hoping that you're not lying.

Me

And In Your Words

How I hate liars! They who can weave words of deceit and whose filth are filtered by their wagging tongues.

I have to admit that one reason why I hate them so is because I'm very much gullible to their string of lies. I am a very trusting person, and unless I see for myself, I'd hold everything that one tells me to be the absolute truth, and thus I've been prey to a banter of hideous deceptions. Some, I believe are still on-going, much to my dismay.

I wish sometimes that I can be the type who can hate someone just because I feel like it. That I can't.

Been following this one person in particular. I'm interested in what he has to say, always. Why? Because I've an idea that maybe, just maybe, I've met the biggest liar of them all. It's one thing to lie about something, it's another to lie about almost everything. Even when he says that he cares for me, that I feel, is still a lie.

Imagine as I might, still I can't fathom how a life filled with lies or half-truths can be. I've always been an honest enough person. Besides those times when I just had to lie to my parents so I can get off of their claws, I've been faily lie-free. Ask me something, and I'd give you the real honest to goodness answer. You'd also know when I'm undecided about something because even my answer would be downright "undecided".

To you, remember that I don't deserve this. I've been more than understanding, I love you, if that means anything to you or if it holds any such weight. I've been more than patient, I've been forgiving and vigilant in attending to your concerns. I've been a good friend, that alone me thinks is enough reason for me to hear the truth.

Let me not find out that I've been betrayed once more. Moreso let me not find out that I've been betrayed by someone as special as you.

The Choices We Make

Am chatting with Huggy right now. Just needed to let off steam. ANd you know Hanne-bear can never say no to any of my friends. Especially Huggy.

A lot of things that's happenign to us are results of some insane decision we made when we didn't know better. And now we know, but we're all rendered helpless because we know we just didn't make happen, we also deserve such outcome. I have to admit that I made really, really sour decisions before. I jumped over the edge when I ran out of space to hide and run into. I closed my eyes shut at times when I got cornered but am too lame to stare back. And yes, I resorted to denying the fact that I'm in need of help when the time help was available for fear of being blamed for all the bad steps I just took.

I told Huggy that maybe, we all ought to be insane at one moment. To just let go of everything. To finally learn tp face what we fear most. Yes, it's hard. It's insanely hard. I can't do it until now. But being crazy is an excuse. A good excuse to battle what we fear most, making ourselves believe we're not doing this for any good reason but because we've got no good reason. Insanity is good way of masking our fears, it's agood place to hide our insecurities. It's my weapon of choice.

Just a few hours ago, I had to face something at gun-point. My heart stopped for a second there. Then I turned insane. Letting my tears flow. Letting my voice crack. Letting something I can't control take over my senses. I let my emotions run wild. That may not seem like a bout of insanity to most, but for someone who can never be caught off guard, for someone who's always on top of things, for someone who's always in control...that's one insanely crazy moment.

The choices I made are not always good ones. A great of of them are actually irresponsible outrage of craziness. And so I've the perfect excuse. I deserve better. I know better.

Totally

I'm totally feeling it.

So many things are happening all at the same time that I don't have enough time toe ven worry about anything. I'm so into everything that every single minute something quite remarkable is happening. Could it be of a certain meeting that I had with a very personable individual? That somehow he was able to lift me from the pits that I've been wallowing in for the past few days?

Whatever the case may be, I'm back to my old jolly self. I'm glad. Really.

Totally!

Manic Monday

Yep, am awake for 33 hours as of this moment. It's only 3AM and I have to stay til 7AM. Goodluck.

Manic Monday! Yeah, spent so much time wasting myself away. Not a really good thing per se, but had a great time all the same. Great. As in.

I think I deserve that stolen time. I do.

Most of the people I interact with agrees that I think too much. That everything MUST have a reason and just had to make sense, otherwise, I won't buy it, however tempting it might be. SLowly, they're telling me to divulge the moment with hunger. I'm scared. I told 'em that. I am.

Open

I’ve been out of sync for several days now. You can even check my blog posts and you’d see there just how I’m slowly sinking, emotionally in this murky livid swamp of despair.

For sometime now, everything in my life has been well and good. I can go as far as to say that life has been really nice to me the past year. But a few days back, I started to sink back into the sad sorry state that I used to be in. I haven’t felt this on a regular day, that being days when I’m not hormonal or overly stressed.

So many things are happening to me all at once. It’s like, suddenly, I’m undergoing a massive internal revolt that no one can tame and control. I felt captive by the feelings that I have. I am no longer in control of my senses.

I’ve come to appreciate my family again. After the failed relationship, I realized that I’ll always have them to come back to. That whatever may happen, they’ll always be family to me. Now, I’m feeling that old “nothingness” that I used to feel for them. They don’t exist. They are mere people that I interact with. Almost void of any emotions. If any, they’re more likely to be negative ones. Such deafening nothingness there, I’m almost even hating them.

I can’t blame them for being the way they are. But I can’t help but feel sorry that I belong to this family in particular. I know I’m more than blessed. But I also understand that we are more than capable to be better. A better group, a better family, better individuals. And what do I see? We’re in the same sorry state we’ve been in ever since. Nothing has improved. Not our finances, not our living conditions, not our mindset. We’re losers. Simple and plain losers.

I never want to end up like my parents, nor like my grandparents. I don’t want to stop looking for excellence. I know that at one point I’d reach a state where I’d be too tired to push forward, let alone lift a finger to object to what life has to offer. Believe me though when I say that I’d do everything in my will to prevent such moment from happening to me. I can never resign myself to fate alone. I am in control. This is my life. And I’m gonna make it worth every single tear I shed.

And once I’m old and wrinkled. I’d never want to be the excess baggage in my children’s life. I know that somehow, one or all of them would feel obliged to at least take care of their aging mother on her last days on earth. Well, I’d appreciate that, but honestly, I’d want them to forget me once in a while and enjoy what’s the beginning of their lives. I don’t want them to start living when they’re 40, when their children are all grown up and are no longer interested in what they have to say, when they can no longer enjoy the simple things in life because they’re just way too tired of it all. I want them to experience life on their own time and their own pace, and an old ailing mother won’t help them. I really won’t mind being sent to a facility when that time comes. A visit once a week is enough. Or, if my plans would push through, I’d like to die by age 65. Young enough as to not have burdened anyone I love, but old enough to say that I’m more than ripe for the picking. I hope that by that age, I’m able to accomplish all that I’ve ever wanted to accomplish and that I’ve enjoyed my kids and my grandchildren immensely.

Also, one thing that’s been clouding my emotions lately is this need for companionship. I need a partner. I can feel the sad longing feeling inside of me welling to great proportions every passing moment. It’s dragging me deeper in an emotional turmoil that I can not handle. I feel helpless.

I don’t think I’m an emotional vampire. I actually think otherwise. This time around though, I can feel the intense need to have someone, to connect with someone in a very deep level. To be able to feel part of a bond that is so strong, even life can’t make me think otherwise.

Sorry is the man who felt how wonderful it is to love and realize that he’ll never love again. I feel cursed. I feel tagged and branded. I feel like a stigma of broken dreams and lonely souls.

All my life, I’ve asked for one thing. One. Just one person who’d love me above all and whom I can love with my entire self and being. Just one.

I don’t care if I don’t get that car I’ve always wanted, I’d ride public transport until the day I die if I have to. I don’t care if I’d never get to build my dream house, I’d rent a dingy apartment until I am shriveled if I have to. I don’t care if I’d never see Europe or visit the exotic cities of my country, I’d stay within the confines of this metro and die within its walls if I should. I can take anything and everything. All I need is to have someone to share my life with and make it feel like it’s the most wonderful life I can ever achieve despite all that’s lacking. I believe in that. But I feel like its never gonna happen to me.

I cry for a thousand different reasons. Those are just the last two things that made me miserable. I cry because I feel that I’m not good enough, I cry because I feel that I’m never gonna achieve my dreams, I cry because I’m alone, I cry because all I want right now is to have someone to sit with under one of those sprawling acacias I so love and be held while I cry.

Just one person.

One arm to hold me.

One pair of lips to kiss me.

One cheek to caress me.

One moment with one person to make me feel that everything would turn out fine.

One.

Singing My Song

I am hating myself little by little. I just don't like this emotional being that's coming out of me slowly. Yeah, I'm a fairly emotional person. Okay! I'm overly emotional. But hey, that happens once a month. THIS, however is slowly turning into a weely-almost-daily thing. What's this? What the hell is this?

I've had a fairly short discussion last night with my mom. I cried a great deal over the phone while talking to my Aunt and I went to work with sad, sorry eyes. Haven't done that in a looooonnngggg while. Y'know crying over my family and going to work really upset? I cry. I do. Regularly. But by myself. A solid tear or two. That's the most that I think the world deserves to get from me. But this one occassion I felt like I was back to when I was fighting the entire world. That time when the words "you and me againts the world" was blatantly ringing behind my head. This time though I've got no "you" to refer to. It was just me. Me againts the world. I dunno why it felt that way. It shouldn't. From the rational pits of my brain, I shouldn't. But I did. I felt like I was againts the entirety of mankind that single moment last night.

Well, I got over that. I should.

Then there's this nagging feeling that I've been having for the past few days. I feel so alone. Heck! I'm surrounded by throngs of people who loves me and who adores me, yet I feel alone. Like I don't belong. Not with them. That I need to find my way home. Problem is, I don't have a clue where home is. Then lightining struck. Home is where the heart is. Where IS my heart anyway? I might have lost it along the way. I don't want to retrace my steps back though, I might now be able to bear that my heart is still held captive by someone I so long thought was gone. Hmmm, I don't want that. Not really. My heart is worth losing right now, other than that.

Longing makes me sad. It does. Look at me. You'd sense it. Everybody around me did. Two days ago, I decided to mask it. I did well. I only cry when I'm alone. Again. They don't see me now.

I rarely take bathroom breaks before. The past week though you'd catch me wandering there several times a night. Not just because I can now finish 2 cup of Iced Mocha/Rhumba Frap (with extra shot) every night. Not, it's not that. I want to be away from everyone. I'd head inside the cubicles. CLose my eyes. And would just listen to the deafening silence,w aiting for my breath to cease. It did not of course. But I was there. Waiting.

I haven't felt this way for the longest time. I'm not going through a heartbreak. I'm not losing anyone. I'm not having my heart trampled on. My life is great and wonderful. On the outside. But inside...something different is happening. Something I just can't explain. Not at all.

Banging On The Keys

Piano In The Dark


When I find myself watching the time
I never think about all the funny things you said
I feel like it's dead
Where is it leading me now?

I turn around in the still of the room
Knowing this is when I'm gonna make my move
Can't wait any longer
And I'm feeling stronger but oh

Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotions here
It's pullin' me back
(Just a little more back)
Back to love you

Oh no, caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark

He holds me close like a thief of the heart
He plays the melody
Born to tear me all apart
Silence is broken
And no words are spoken but oh

Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotions here
It's pullin' me back
(Just a little more back)
Back to love you

Oh no, caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark

Can't

Can't sleep.

Can't.

I've got to make a call at 5pm. It's 2:30pm already. When will I catch some sleep????

Bags

Too much longing keeps one up all night...in my case, all day.

What can I say? It's just horrible.