Pinoy Ako (part 1)

1. I couldn't care a damn!

2. What's your next class before this?(ANO DAW???!!!)

3. Nothing in this world is perfect except the word "change"

4. Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the top?(ulitin natin hanggang mamatay tayo!)

5. My dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs! (Translation: Daming pasalubong ng tatay ko.)

6. Standard and Chartered Bank

7. I'm very iterated!!! (transalation: galit sya! haha!)

8. I'm sorry, my boss just passed away. (translation: kakadaan lang ng boss nya.)

9. Hello, my boss is out of town. Would you like to wait?

10. What happened after the erection of Mayon Volcano?

11. Don't touch me not!

12. Hello?... For a while, please hang yourself...

13. Its spilled milk under the bridge.

14. Don't change anything! Keep it at ease.

15. Hello McDo? Mag-i-inquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal? (yung pang-batang pagkain)

16. You!!! You're not a boy anymore! You're a man anymore! (hmmm...sounds familiar)

17. Out of fit ako these days eh... (translation: di sya nakakapag-exercise)

18. Come, lets join us!

19. Bring down the house down!

20. I'm the world champion of the World!!!

21. Beneath the Belt!

22. Thuck in... Thuck out

23. Rule of Hand... (thumb yata ibig sabihin...)

24. Can you repeat it once again?

25. M! ukhang haggard-looking.

Being Ate

I've been Ate for as long as I can remember. Everyone calls me Ate. From home to school to work to p*yups. I'm Ate.

It's built-in, being Ate, that is. I know nothing but be one. I'm strict and I can give that "look" that would make you wanna confess. Heck, I can even give that look which made Pat say, "Don't look so motherly, I can't take it!" I also smother.

Once I was asked to be stationed at Makati. After that I ended up passing by Shaw to see my old team, I also went by Emerald to have dinner with Abel and Germs and I ended up having coffee at ABSCBN. It's tiring but I want to make sure I make time for my friends. Several times I've gotten messages/calls of distress from friends. From Pasa-load to picking them up from wherever hell-hole they found themselves in to asking for rent money because they used their budget to play Counterstrike.

I've held their hands. I've sat beside them in silence. They soaked my shirts with tears and they've given me cramps for lying their heads on my shoulders for hours. I've had senseless talks over coffee. I've had bottles of beer and passed out in the process just so they won't be alone. I've baby talked with them cos that's what they do. I've moved boxes and fixed their PCs just because no one else can do it for them.

I remember seeing my cousin a few weeks back at Eastwood. He was supposed to hand me my new Canon cam. He came with this distressed look in his eyes and told me sorry cos the person who was supposed to release my order didn't come to work and I went all the way there for nothing. There was some dirt on his glasses and I had the urge to wipe it. I held back and reminded myself that he's not a kid no more and though I'm still his Ate, a 22 year old, 6" tall guy can wipe his own glasses.

You could say I'm meant to be brooding. To ask too many questions. To hover around and all. I was built to be that way.

Morning News

I'm watching the news. Umagang kay Ganda is on. And all I can say is, "what's new?"

1. An accident at Pasig. Naka motorsiklo isang lalake at isang babae. Parehong lasing. Walang helmet ang lalake. Sumalpok sa poste. Hmm...talaga lang no?

2. Child abuse. Hinuli ang madrasta ng isang bata. Puro sugat at pasa ang bata. May mga kalmot sa mukha. Sabi ng madrasta, hinde niya alam na may batas tungkol sa child abuse. Err...ano daw?

I better change channel.

Sheer Experience

I haven't been sleeping well the past few days. My meeting with the sandman would last for 1-4 hours only since Thursday. Short time

It's 4:26am on my clock and I've been asleep from 10pm til 2am. Geez. I've had countless people buzz me on YM and I've been browsing endless pages for the past 2 hours just to be buzzed yet again by another long standing friend slash meantime guy, it was honestly a welcomed interaction. We're on chat now and I'm thinking, our non-friendship is based solely on "sheer experience".

We've been friends for a few years now. It started out simple. We're orgmates. He's a year older and his friends/blockmates became my barkada. I even dated one of his closest pals way back then and he was honestly secretly hoping I'd end up with him cos he feels I can straighten his friend out (not that he's not pretty straight hehe). He ended up being my almost pal the moment he started dating my blockmate. I personally tried hard to like him then, he's been known to me the maangas and kupal undergrad at our org back then. And of course, with all the tears my friend shed out for him during the length of their relationship, it became much harder for me to like him.

Then I left school and he became friends with my guy buddies. At one point he was "their man". Y'know, they won't stop talking about him. Everything was "great" and "cool" when you're with him. Talk about testosterone overload. They even decided to put up a home-based business together (2 of my closest guy friend and meantime dude) and rented a 45 sqm condo at Katipunan that they shared with meantime guy's HS Atenista buds during the day. I'd usually crash into their place and sleep on their makeshift bed on the floor while all 3 guys slave over their graphic interior/exterior rendering from various clients here and in the US.

I've spent countless hours on their couch. In their kitchen. On the floor.

One time though, things changed. He finally asked me the question no one wanted to ask, where I've been from or where I'm heading to whenever I come in and out of their place at 2-4am every weekend. That's when I told him about my Sandman. Then one Saturday night I came there almost half asleep. He asked me if I went out with my Sandman. I said I didn't and I was with friends. My other friends started looking at us weird when we started flirting.

He asked me, "What's his cologne? You like his cologne right?"

I answered, "I do. It differs. Sometimes it's 212 and sometimes it's Issey nowadays." He smiled and turned away. Just that. He went out of the room. I thought he was just gonna get something at the kitchen or whatnot. When an hour has passed and he hasn't come back my other friends began asking about him. "Where's he gone to, Hanne?" I said I didn't know.

Then the door opened and in he came. He went straight at me and hugged me. Not the friendly kind of bear hug but that skin to skin type of hug, only with clothes on. With 3 of my other guy friends staring he whispered, "Smell that? You like it?"

Apparently he went home just to steal his kuya's Issey. I found that sweet. My other friends didn't see it the same way and one asked me, "What's up with you and him?" I never answered back. And things were never the same.

We've been flirting all out since then. Under everybody else's noses. It helps we're in the same barkada and no one actually thinks we're anywhere serious and they feel we're just trying hard to outwit each other. The touching and the other things happening under the table were kept under wraps. And we'd laugh it off when someone notices. No one spoke a word about it other than his old pal whom I dated. He'd tease us incessantly but never really told anyone what he really thinks. Not even meantime guy. We've hung around the edges for so long sometimes it feels like we're done with everything else that supposedly follows flirtation. We never crossed the line. Never.

One time, we decided to give it a go. On his way to pick me up he called me. Said he changed his mind. He went off to see another girl instead, had lunch with her (as he claimed) and called me 3 hours later for coffee. We had coffee. And he changed his mind again and asked if I'm still willing. I told him I've changed my mind too. We knew it'll happen without any effort lost in the process. Or it may not.

I asked him if he wants to head to Ilocos with me in this tour group another orgmate has organized (though I already made a decision I won't go) and he told me, "Let's not go together. I might end up doing something I'd regret later." I let him off the hook easily.

Being friends and being TOO comfortable for far too long may finally take a toll on our friendship. Intimacy can be in a lot of forms...and yes, we've been too intimate for years. We're intimate just out of sheer experience.

It's 4.56am and we're still on the foreplay.

Secrets

Afraid

Sometimes I couldn't understand why I'm sad and afraid. I'm even afraid of writing this down on my usual blogs. No one knows this is still up. No one except Kait knows the insomniac is up and about. Lucid and aware.

Aware that I'm afraid.

Kiss

Could I hold you for for a lifetime
Could I look into your eyes
Could I have this night to share this night together
Could I hold you close beside me
Could I hold you for all time
Could I could I have this kiss forever
Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever

Hakuna Matata

I've had my fair share of in-betweens. That only happens in my personal life though. In my career it's always the extremes. I'm on a rage whenever it's about work. My friends would always tell me they can't seem to keep up with me. It's not a race. They just can't seem to figure out where I'm at and what I'm doing. By the time they do learn about the itsy bitsy details, I'm off to another job.

My friends, they like their comfort zones. They'd rant and rant about their careers not going anywhere. The moment a new opportunity comes up, they'd stop dead on their tracks and change their minds. They'd come up with 10,000 reasons why it's not a viable plan. Just now I had a very long talk with a friend. At the end of the conversation I heard the magic words, "I can't change."

You can guess how comments like that gets to me. I'm the "it" person when you want something done. I'm all in when it comes to new projects and implementations. I'm excited with new prospects. And I wither with ho-hum jobs and projects (giving me bullshit is not part of the exciting part).

So when I heard that word "can't" I told him off.

"You just lost your right to rant. Once you say you can't, you lose any kind of reason to rant. Hakuna Matata. No Worries. Why worry if your problem has a solution? You don't. You get up and you work your ass off with whatever solution you have. Why worry if your problem has no solution? You don't. You move on cause it won't matter whether you cry until you're dead because there's simply no solution."

With that he said, "Ang galeng mo talaga pards!"

There. I said my piece. And if that didn't rattle him to his reality then I can't do anything short of running him over with a 4x4.

And I'm giving myself the same treatment. So I've been ranting about not having anything to do at work and being bored to death nightly. Is there a solution? Yes. There. I found a proxy server. I dunno how long this would last. Point is, I stopped ranting for tonight and did what I had to do.

Now next on the list, how do I get my laptop. I don't care if it takes me ages. I'm gonna get what I want. Or just want something else.

Hakuna matata!

Goals and Deadlines

There are goals and there are deadlines. I don't do well with deadlines. I defy deadlines just because it can be defied. I don't do well with goals as well. Mine change as often as I change clothes.

This time though I gotta be a bit firm. I've a goal and I'm giving myself a deadline.

July 18. I need to talk to my Director. And if she's ok then I gotta give myself a deadline.

July 2008. A few more push here and there.

September 2008. I need to get back with partner on this. If things gets on the way ASAP then by September I'd be standing inches from the finish line.

December 2008. A few day's shy of my 27th birthday I gotta take another step off of my life.

Hmmm...Goodluck sa akin!

A-ha Moment Explained

We're all substitutes. yep, subs until we find something that one right thing that would probably make us want it to be the last.

I got a call yesterday. I was sleeping, told them to call me back. It was an Australian company. And you know how my mind gets piqued by offers from other prospective employers. Yep, exactly that. I told Glenn I hope they don't tempt me to make me even take a look in the possibility of leaving yet again.

Once I told Pat he's got bugs under his soles. He can't seem to stick it out in one company. For 4.5 years I was with NCO and he managed to jump off 3-4 different companies. And though I've done my own waltz from one door to the next, I still can't keep up. BUT I think I have the bug too. And that's pretty darn disappointing.

So I told Glenn, "maybe I should just listen and see. They haven't made any offer. Unless they'd tell me to go to Australia."

And he said, "Yeah, if there are travel opportunities then maybe it's time to consider it."

And I thought out loud, " Or if they give me something really nice for my salary package. Something I can't refuse as Paul would always remind me before."

He answered, "If that's your priority. But you said you want a company and job where you can stay with for a long time. It seems you're in a pretty good place now. Not once have I heard a complain from you other than you're bored cos it's petiks. That ain't so bad really. Unlike before where I hear you rant daily. Pagka-online palang reklamo na."

And I said, "You're right. Unless I get an opportunity to travel. Well, I asked them to call again and I'd listen, that's all."

***

Then this moment I saw THAT movie and wote THAT blog entry. A few minutes after my phone rang. As planned, I listened.

The girl on the phone said, "One of our employees here submitted your name and you highly recommended for the position of a Senior Workforce Manager. Are you interested?"

And to my surprise I answered, "I just took on a new job, thank you for the interest but I don't think I'm looking for other opportunities at the moment.

Oh hell. Just lost my bargaining foot there. I could've gotten my six digits finally BUT I made my choice right? Yes, I was HOPING until that very minute my phone beeped again that I made the right choice of not even giving them the chance to talk me into it.

*beep* 1 message received. Joy Lo.

My boss. Ohhhh. I'm always scared whenever I get messages/calls from my boss. It was never good. Especially during Paul's time. He only calls when something's majorly wrong and he expects me/us to work on. That's our job! Sabi nga niya, "You should be available 24/7. In all your numbers, cellphone, landline and whatnot." Hays! So my nerves are always racked the moment my phone shows ANY of my bosses' names.

"There's a staffing summit in the US mid-July. You want to go?" She asked.

"Required?" was my stupid answered.

"Hinde naman."

"Ok sana pumunta pero ambilis na nun. That's July! Sayang."

"Korek."

I guess I just turned down a free trip to the US including the free processing of my visa. Stupid huh? Well a bit. Then again, I got my answer to my a-ha moment.

This morning I told Glenn I'd go to the company who'd give me travel opportunities. i just got offered an opportunity. So maybe it's time to stay. And maybe it was right to say no to that other company. Though Australian companies would give me a day job. Hahaha~

Time to head to work and battle my way in. Soon I'd be handling the site. Soon. Let's hope I'd be around when that happens cos that will be the bomb...and Pat will sure be proud of me. It's a race to the top still...after all.

My Map

I remember saying I wanted to watch Elizabethtown. It didn’t make any noise in Hollywood if I remember it right. Didn’t even made it on PI cinemas. Then again, I learned about it, looked up the trailer and totally got interested. I was having second thoughts about ordering it on DVD when I had the chance. After all, I’ve an entire closet of VCDs and half of them are movies I won’t watch again just because watching it once is enough. I think Kait still has some of my movies :p

Curiousity as always won over money and practicality. What’s a few pesos to burn if I get to something I’ve obviously been interested in seeing right? Yes, I was right.

We’re substitutes. Clare said that and it felt like it made sense. Last night I was hounding Glenn over chat for some things I’m not ready to face. I got to go through 5 calls/meetings, a one-on-one with my boss, chats with Ryan, talks with Mikey about the trip we’re planning, make fun of Abel and I even managed to understand the entire process of capacity planning and all the freakin computations that goes with it…and still my mind was bogged by this singular thought that Glenn tried so hard to wrestle out of my consciousness, not because it’s needed but rather because he knows just how potent such thoughts are for me.

So I came home, still thinking about the same thing. After seeing Friends on the tube. After my 3rd attempt on breakfast. After realizing I’ve to wake up early for dinner with Hernie and Penny. I decided to pull out that movie I’ve been secretly curious of for the past year.

You know when you get this feeling and you can’t seem to put your fingers on what it is about or what’s causing it? I was having that the entire night. And then this movie comes up my computer screen and I get my new A-ha moment. I want that. I want that moment when I’d be able to pick up my scissors and my glue and create my map. That one map leading to where I’m at. Strangely I’ve made 3 before. One for Pong, as her ate, as someone who’d always be a friend to whoever needs me. Another for Kait, as her bestfriend, as her soul sister. That one person who’d never leave. The last one I did, over 5 years ago, was for Glenn. That gift that I threw into the fire, as someone who sees herself differently. That girl who woke up suddenly to realize her life gets to start all over again.

I need a map.

Salapi

Ang sarap naman. In one go, nagawa kong madoble pera ko sa bank. Ganun kasaya ang pera nowadays PERO, in one go nasira mga pangarap ko.

Bakit ba napakalaki ng tax sa Pinas?! Tapos makikita ko sa road kanina nakapila mga tao, subsidized daw ang kuryente galing sa VAT sabi ng banner sa kalye. GALING SA VAT?! Sino kaya ang may malaking binabayaran sa VAT? Yung mga less than 1K ang electric bill na malamang e medyo ganun lang din ang capacity to buy other things or yung mga doble doble dun ang binabayaran na malamang mas maraming binibili na may VAT? At sino kaya sa mga tao ang totoong bumubuhay sa Pinas? Yung mga mahihirap? Or yung middle class na may matinong trabaho na kinakaltasan ng tax buwan buwan? Sino uli ang priority ng gobyerno? Ay sarili nila nga pala.

Oo, apektado ako. Kase yung tax para sa pag-transfer ng deed ng bahay at lupa namin, ako mgbabayad...at kakainin niya ang kalahati ng savings ko na 5 months kong inipon. Mantakin ko, limang buwan akong nag ipon para yung 3 month's worth of ipon ko e ibigay lang sa gobyerno.

How sad. Pakshet!

Night Out Night Owl

**kwento kwento lang

From having to break my back from work last Friday night shift to the breakfast with Penny and Hernan I didn’t actually think I’d have more on my plate last Saturday than I planned on having. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t have been expecting since it ain’t the first time it had happened. The truth though, that I’ve had too many long nights already on my book made me think there wouldn’t be much left for future occurrences. I was wrong apparently. And it wasn’t so bad so be wrong on things like these.

So my boss thought I can singlehandedly turn everything around at work. That may be my specialty but my decisions aren’t always perfect. I deal with people and how they’d react to certain situations which I may not control. My job is to make assumptions based on trended rules, not assure everyone that everything would be perfect once I’m done with it. She gave me a big shoe to fill. It ain’t nothing new but it sure is scary. I’ve been groomed to fail before, now I’m being groomed to be someone better than me. That’s a big leap to take, especially when my ego tells me I’m one of the best among my peers especially since my biggest competitor within my circle already dropped out of the race.

Breakfast with Hernan and Penny was a surprise. I think they actually missed me. After all, I get a text message from Hernie every noon asking me if I’m up and about. It was short and sweet. Of course, the incessant bickering was there. Yeah, I’ve been called names once again. Believe me, my friends are the greatest, they’d never make you feel good enough for anyone. I regret though that fact that I’ve lost touch of a lot of people when I left. I only kept a few. And I made sure I only kept a few. When Glenn and Penny told me that Chico came by a few days ago and treated everyone to breakfast I was just glad he had the time to see everyone else. But when Chico asked Penny how come we’ve never visited him at Clark when I explicitly told him I will, my heart ached, he was even asking her where I am now. Penny said to ask me since I don’t want people to know where I’m at. People care about me, friends wants to keep in touch. But I made a decision to leave a lot of baggages behind when I decided to move out. Y’see, I’m far too attached to the life I’ve made there and I had to learn to let go. It just saddens me that I’m still not ready to go back and pick up what I left there.

I went home right after that and tried to catch some sleep before heading out again. Unfortunately my insomnia kicked in. I wish I can have just three 48-hour days in a week. That way I live my life every other day only. 48 hours I’m awake, 48 hours I’m asleep. That should work just fine considering I’ve been up and about for 31 hours yesterday.

3 hours in bed and I felt like I’ve done enough lying around. I decided to head a bit early to Trinoma and just chill. Maybe I’d get to have an excuse to shop. Well, I didn’t. I couldn’t let go of my money this time. Yeah, got my first pay and I’m having a hard time letting it go. Maybe because it means so much to me on a personal level. Ouch, I never though I’d have enough feelings over money, which I soooo love to spend. Maybe I need to force myself to shell out that cash I need for the new cam or the the new portable HD. Or maybe I should just buy myself a good cup of dark mocha frap which I’m so loving at the moment. Or maybe I don’t need much retail therapy cos I’m not a bit least sad.

The night with the p*yups peeps started out with a cup of coffee at hand. Ok, so I didn’t get myself anything, but they did anyway. We did meet at Starbucks so what can we expect. And as always, cameras started to flash the moment we sat. it’s funny that no one from p*yups is ever afraid of getting their pictures taken. We relish the fact that a camera is pointed at our shiny little noses. Hahahaha~

The movie was good and I honestly, honestly fell in love with Ed Norton. Ahh, one of the few Hollywood actors I wouldn’t mind NOT being an actor. Y’know, just so he can be that guy next door that I can date. Time with Gilligan’s was fun. I was sooooooo happy Abel got there as promised. I hate it when people don’t show up when they told me they would. Sana hinde na ako nagsayang ng load. Ay, postpaid nga pala phone ko Hahahaha~ One thing I love about the group of people I was with was that hinde sila mahirap kausap. One moment we were sitting there laughing, the next we were all headed to Havana. No long talks, walang pilitan, walang arte, walang excuses. Sasama ka or hinde? Sasagot. Aalis. Tapos ang usapan. That’s one major difference when you’re with the oldies. Kids (eg Lespot) you listen to what I say ok? Hahaha~

So I did it again. I may never beat the 36 hours I spent with May and Randy before (which extends from work, to Morato, to Tagaytay to Morato and then home) but I can sure try. Sometimes I think, did I ever really want to leave my old ways behind? Maybe it ain’t the right time to stop drinking my vodka cruiser. I miss May who’d never forget to ask me if I want to drink or if I’m just having my usual four seasons. I miss Randy who’d always call me a sissy for having my “colored” drinks. I miss BJ who’d always tell me to stop even when I’m only having a bottle. Yep, I know I’m too attached. But that ain’t such a bad thing.

Early Morning

I’ve been up since 2am. My PC’s been running since then. It’s 7.42 am now. I’ve had a late dinner and I’ve downed 2 glasses of instant coffee. I’ve texted my friend about some things that I’ve been planning on doing and I’m trying to decide when’s the right time to head back to the doctor’s office to have my heart checked and my ovaries tested. I’ve the start of a bad headache and I’m heading to work tonight even though it’s a holiday. For the first time in 5 years I can get off on a holiday but decides against it and I still believe I’m not a workaholic.

I can quit but I just love playing the game.

I heard that somewhere. Makes a whole lot of sense for someone who’s been thinking of quitting everything. Got to talk to my aunt yesterday, in between takes of my Grey’s Anatomy Marathon I got to breath things out a bit. It’s not perfect, I still don’t see things the way my aunt sees things but it’s hell a lot better than how the real state of things are at the moment.

Being an adult suck. I told her that sometimes I’m not even sure whether I’m lucky to have been born with this level of understanding or if this would forever be my sole cause of pain and uncertainty. A lot of times I thought I want to be a simpleton. With simple understandings and ideas. But that’s not who I am. I’m as complicated as complicated can be. I love complications and I live to measure and untangle these myriads of disorganized lines and points.

Though sometimes the feeling of quitting seems more viable than having to fight for things I’m not even sure of, I can’t seem to appreciate that something just might be over. Things change. They move. People change. But once it’s over, then what’s left? I don’t want anything to be over now. Not at this point. I only go through things once. And however shitty things maybe and though it might seem like there’s no better option than to drop the ball and let it slide off of streets I gather that’s not really what I want. i don’t want anything to be over until I know I want to let it go.

Right now, I’m not willing to let go of anything. Not yet.

I don’t save people, I don’t change the course of history, I don’t make life changing decisions but I certainly want to have my shot at happiness and freedom. And though it feels like I’m heading towards nowhere I know for a fact that nowhere can be anywhere and this time, I’m not quitting just yet. That nowhere just might be my somewhere.

Being Single

I'm probably the best person to tell you how wonderful it is to be single. There are times though that I think better. Loneliness ain't an easy thing to handle. Just like drugs, it causes you to move around with a clouded head. "Love, I need love."

You know what got me to this position? Yeah, things rarely "just happen" to me. Even epiphanies have their roots from something else. This was brought about by my house hunting trip yesterday and watching Love Actually this morning. I just realized just how much easier things would be if only I'm not alone and actually half of a partnership. A partner's income would help me buy that house I want...and also keep me secured and safe at night.

Yeah, I need a hug.