2006

Just a short goodbye to an interesting year.

I welcomed 2 babies early this year. Both my inaanaks.

I had a roller coaster ride with my personal life.

I lost 2 good friends but gained several new ones.

I had a whirlwind romance that ended in tears but which vindicated the fact that I'm in fact not so bright. Hehe.

And I'm looking at a new step which I might take on soon...A good way to start the new year I hope.

Cheers to everyone.

Kopi Mates

We met up as planned Friday night. Me, Mikey and Randell. Sir Nonoy and Ryan had to bail out though, too bad.

After an hour or so playing Time Crisis at Timezone Gateway we went for coffee, just so we could hang some more. We wanted to see a movie but they stopped selling tickets already.

By 3.30 AM we've exhausted almost all possible topics. Well, not really. Somehow we managed to talk about everyone we knew and a lot was discussed about work. It was fun all in all. You get to finally settle a lot of issues, you finally got the answers you've been wanting to ask and somehow, though they're all years late it's still worth it.

What really was the hghlight of the night though (after the fact that by 3.30am I've been awake for 30+ hours) was when Mikey told us he left the car inside Gateway's parking. Wahahaha~ The mall was closed, we tried every single opening that we could find, went around to check for any guards patrolling the area. After sometime they hailed me a cab and sent me home. I gathered that they left after a few minutes and Mikey just decided to head back there the following morning when the parking's open.

I took some pictures of the guys while we checked the driveways to see if we could us in and the car out.

Swinging It

This morning I was telling someone my plans for the day. That after a back breaking 9 hour shift I'm heading to the gym, then I'm heading to the mall to shop and have my regular facial and footspa/pedicure and then I'm supposed to meet my college buddies by dinner.

Well, I did almost everything except for the facial slash foot spa slash pedicure because I realized I'm heading out for the night and I can't wet my face if I'm gonna have it cleaned and all. Hernan and I scoured the Block. Well, not really. But we got really, really tired. And Glenn treated me to pancake house prior to my shopping binge, salamat!

I got myself a new book (no it's not chick lit. it's history! Hello Catherine de Medici), a new make up brush, a new kick ass shirt and of course a new pair of stilts. Yipee! And Hernan and I saw this really nice watch. Accent. Well, I wasn't sure about the brand name cos I'm not familiar with it but it looks so freakin great on my wrist. Well, I haven't actually tried it...Hehehe. But I'm sure it'll look great on me.

Anyway, I went home to catch some Zzzzs supposedly but I can't sleep...so here I am. Waiting. I'd be heading out by 8pm. I'd be meeting Mikey, Randell and Nonoy at Gateway. Ryan said he'd try to follow. Let's see.

IBM called already. Hmm...I gotta talk to Paul.

Accenture & CVG

Who's been here from Accenture? And CVG and infocom!

Christmas Past and Christmas Present

I told Glenn I had a really good Christmas. Aside from the fact that I slept a lot the entire weekend, I also almost never cried.

It's been like that for years. Me crying over the holidays. I don't honestly know why, what I do know is that I never felt more lonely than on Christmas eve, which, unfortunately happens to be also my birthday. I've learned not to celebrate and I've developed my own special coping mechanism. For years I hid behind my computer, making excuses not to join family gatherings and just being alone so no one would notice that I had cried. This year though it was different. I was not online the entire night, I was able to catch some really needed sleep and I don't feel that lonely.

If last year I made an attempt to forget everything by giving myself a party...this year, I spent it with myself. Not with the computer, not with Dylan or whomever is on YM, not with a bottle of vodka ice. Just me, and a lot of almost unattainable dreams.

Maybe for Christmas Future I'd finally get to smile.

Being Me

Being me ain't easy.

Yesterday I got an almost epiphany. Almost because I know it's bound to be realized out loud soon enough. Well, it came sooner than I thought. Someone whacked me with a fact and I was unable to duck. Thus, the bruised face. Getting knocked out though gave a few precious milliseconds to actually review my life, from my oldest memory to the second before impact. And I realized I feel sorry about myself.

Honestly, I welcomed the smack on the face. It was a relief that someone still sees me and the knowledge that someone is actually watching over me makes me all warm inside. At the same time though I feel bothered with the thought that someone actually misses the old me. That old self that I've tried so hard to change.

As I've said, it's not easy being me. It's not easy not being one of the pretty girls nor one of the rich kids. It's not easy being the smart one when all you get are approving glances from your teachers which translates to snickers from the other kids. It's not easy having to deal with all the insecurities, growing up the ugly child because your sister is way sexier, because your cousins has flawless skin, because your friend is the prettier one.

When you're a kid, being smart is nothing but a stigma. And being good is nothing to be proud of.

As you grow older, the insecurities grows with you. From being the ugly duckling, you grow up into the ugly suckling pig. From the dark skinned girl, you grow up being the worst dressed teen. And from being the invisible one, you become almost non-existent.

And you'd never understand what it's like unless you've been one. Unless you've been laughed at. Unless you've seen the dispproving looks. You'd never know unless you go home crying and not having anyone to talk to because everyone in the family is busy minding their own business and you'd never understand unless you've been called "fat and ugly" on your face while everyone else stares back at you.

I've never felt as confident as I do now. I've never been comfortable in my own as I am now. And I've never felt "pretty" or "attractive" as I do now. And that's a world of difference for me.

I'm not just the smart girl, I'm now the smart, attractive wonder woman.

And though I might not have the same image, I try to ignore that fact. Change is inevitable. And changing into who I am now may not be the best option, but it's the closest possible option that I have to getting what I want. Otherwise, I could content myself with being the invisible girl.

To prove that point, I brought one picture to work last night. It was a group picture of my orgmates and I back when I was in 2nd year college. I showed it to our Ops Manager. He saw my ex first who's also an Ops Manager.

"Is that Glenn?" He asked.

I said yes. He went on to ask if we were classmates. I said we were on the same org but we're not classmates as he's far too old for my batch.

He went onto the floor and started showing the picture to everyone. And everyone noticed Glenn, about 45lbs lighter and Michelle, "the pretty" girl on the picture. No one even noticed me on the picture. And if they did, they never said anything.

Afterwards, I showed it to Hernan. He exclaimed, "That's you? Oh my! Is this Glenn? Shucks, I won't even notice him, he's too slim back then...yada-yada"

"Hey, I showed you the pic because I wanted you to see how I was before, but of course you noticed someone else!"

He then explained that he did see me. Unlike everyone else though in the picture, my "aura" seems invisible.

And I agree. I was invisible. Look at my old face and you won't see the light, the personality. You won't feel the courage and confidence. You'd never know that I am capable of moving mountains of tasks within a single flick of my wrist.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done being that person.

Being Merry And Bright

I dozed off early last night. It was something new. I guess I got sleepy and heavy from reading my new Shopaholic book from Hens (who was my prince from our Disney Princess themed Kris Kringle). I got up about an hour ago to find 8 messages from people who remembered to greet me. Sabi ko nga kay Aian, since my birthday's the same day as the busiest day of the season, not everyone remembers it and when one does, it means so much to me. I don't expect gifts no more. I'm too old for that (but still welcome hehe) and I don't expect people to come see me (though I know that Ryan and Randell tried their best to always be with me the night before my birthday, sayang walang budget this year) since I know they'd all be busy. The simple greeting is enough. Isipin mo, sa busy nila, sa dami ng nangyayari, sa pagod nila, they still remember.

Am chatting with Glenn now. He was calling me midnight to greet me but I was fast asleep. I greeted him back with a "ho ho ho" line. He asked what that's for, I said I'm trying to get into the spirit. And he added, quite intuitively, "and failing miserably." Yeah, he knows me. He knows for a fact that today would be one of the hardest days for me.

Family would be around me, friends would be calling and I'd be smiling as expected when all I want is to be left alone. Funny because I know for a fact that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I know for a fact that a lot of people are feeling the same emptiness. How'd I know? Because they told me, and I kinda figured it out. Why would I be on chat the entire Christmas eve with someone else if they feel like celebrating? Why would someone drink like there's no tomorrow the day before Christmas? Why would they tell me they want to cry and die at the same time during the Holidays. Yet, like me, they go through all the set traditions painstakingly. Gifts, noche buena, cards, greetings, smiles.

I think afterwards, would I ever know the genuine smiles from the ones who are hiding something?

Through all the Christmases and all the Birthdays that I have endured and yet to endure as an adult, I never stopped in wishing though that someday "I'd feel Christmas again."

Less Than 24

The "birthday depression" is setting in. I'm starting to feel all emotional now. Withdrawn and aching.

Nothing new. Don't despair. It'll all go away after Christmas day.

Ask Again

Hmm...Must be the season! Samahan ng malalamig ang Pasko. Unite!

Train Ride

I rode the train! MRT pare. From Quezon Avenue station to Shaw station. Joey had to give me step by step instructions as to where to go and head and turn. Hernan was listening intently as if praying that by some divine intervention I don't get lost and I was laughing at loud inside. "A train ride?!"

Last time I got on a train was when Hernan and I went to visit Rei after giving birth to KD, that was back in Feb-Mar. And I was separated from Hernan pa. Wahahaha~ You should have seen our expression, "oh no, mahihiwalay si Hanne, baka patayin ako ni Rei pag nawala ko siya!" Mwahahaha~

On my way back, boss was nice enough to show me the way, unfortunately the bridge that would supposedly bring me to the "boarding area" (ok I don't know what it's called) was already closed. I went back, retraced my steps and took the "other" stairs. I had to stand the entire ride since the train was full. When I got to Quezon Ave station again I went down when I shoudl've gone up so I could've crossed EDSA without effort. But since I forgot that, I walked to the intersection and crossed the street (yebah, nakatawid ako ng EDSA!) and by the time I got to 7-11 I was sooooooo freakin tired I decided to take a cab to work. I paid P35. Nice.

Now I'm hungry.

But I kinda liked the train ride at night. Nice view from the top.

Shifting

It's shifting again. The ground is moving, trembling ever so slightly with the weight that I've enforced on it. It was my decision to push it down. Packed earth againts my sore feet.

One More Before D' Day

I went around the mall again to get some last minute shopping. Well, I'm still far from being done but I was able to do a lot. A lot of walking that is. After 30 minutes of fighting my way through the crowd in my "office" attire and 3 inch killer heels, I decided to buy some flip flops. Hello Ipanema Brown and Gold! From the moment I saw it at Gateway last month I've been drooling over it. It's like the metallic Havs which I can't find but in this rich chocolate and gold color. Woohoo~

Also, I got Mishka a Baby CD Player. Para wag naman siyang magtampo since I got KD a baby Laptop. Kait, I didn't get your kids any yet. Utang muna. Hehe~

I got myself a new fluffy giant pillow. Yeah!~ Another one for myself. Selfish!

You know what though? The closer Christmas gets, the lonelier I feel. Everywhere I look at I see friends, families, lovers doing "christmas-y" things together. And there I was, lugging my plastic bags like an old harassed lady. It came to a point when I see nothing anymore. My mind receded to that other place where no one can once again reach me. Sad.

I've been spending the past 3-4 Christmases at home, online. I used to have Dylan with me all the time. Let's see this year if I still have someone to share Christmas with. If not, then maybe, he's changed his mind about celebrating...maybe then, I'd really be alone.

Cuties

Who's the cutest among them all? From Shiloh to Violet, Suri and Sean Preston.

Kopi Date

Ryan and Randell visited me last night at work. We had coffee c/o Ryan (ang yaman naman e!) and chatted for 4 hours straight. Too bad Janrey's not around and Sir Nonoy can't make it. It was something I missed doing. They've been asking me for years to work somewhere in Makati so it's easier to set up coffee dates like the one we had last night. Who knows, they might get their wish this Christmas. Hehe~ Ryan and I just might find ourselves working on the same building for two different call centers and Randell just around the corner, with Mikey and Ruelo a few building's away. Woohoo~

Escape

I miss traveling. I've never been given the chance to extensively travel as my family can't afford anything farther than manila zoo when I was a kid. I had a chance to head to HongKong once, back in the 80s since my Aunt works for Cathay Pacific. Then there was the Baguio trip with my other Aunt's family back in December 1989, yes, inabutan kame ng coup d'etat sa Baguio.

Good thing college gave me more than once opportunity to go around. It's still the usual "family" outing slash "sosy" trips since we spent time at Puerto Azul, Fontana and several private beaches in Batangas, but the point of the entire fact is that I was able to LEAVE Manila!

The greatest trip ever was the 3 1/2 days I spent way up the mountains. Sagada. I can't describe how happy I was to have experienced that. Too bad I lost my travel buddy early on. Who knows where our feet could've lead us if we're still able to travel together.

The trip to Puerto Galera last year was also a welcome surprise! Nakaalis ako ng Luzon! Woohoo~The beach, the sun, the sand, the booze. Yeah, the booze. I don't normally drink but hell, I drowned myself in Mindoro Sling.