Mean Hanne

Mean Girl daw ako?

Kasalanan ba yun?

Last Na~

Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling~

I did it. Totoo na. At saka ko na iiisipin ang mga problema na pwedeng maging dulot ng ginawa ko pero sa ngayon ang mahalaga masaya ako.

Pause

I need a break...

Blind Leading The Blind

Almost everyone who matters knows my stories about work already. After all, for the past 4 months, I go through hell every single night and I have to have my support group somehow.

For team about with about a 100 members I’ve been witnessed to one of the biggest attrition rate ever in the business. I thought that the WFM resignation that happened at NCO back 2006 was big enough (1 manager, 1 reports analyst, 2 schedulers and 1 analyst). This time though, for the first quarter alone I know of 1 director, 1 manager, 3 supervisors and 4 schedulers/analysts who had resigned. I’m not even aware if there are others from some of the smaller accounts.

There are 4 workforce managers as of this date. The most tenured one just tendered his resignation a few hours back. At 4mos tenure, I’m now most senior based in tenurity. It feels like I’m one blind person leading these 2 blind men into an intricate socio-political maze inside the company. We’re no longer busy about work. We’re just busy dodging the bullets and incurring shots.

The most recent addition to the team just joined us last Monday. Last night he asked for the ex-director’s IM ID. After a few minutes our old director sent me an IM. He said the new manager was asking him what’s wrong in the company and how best to manage it. Before he gave him his pang-Ms.-Universe answer he first told me on chat, “Hinde na ako emplayado. I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE HANNE!”

I told him, maybe they’re (the new ones) feeling the pressure now. Maybe they’re starting to see what’s wrong with the entire set-up and the company. Maybe finally I’m not alone in this reality that seems to have come out of a bad twilight zone episode. Maybe I’m not the only one who sees just how bad and rotten things are.

And maybe, just like J, it’s time for me to leave.

I need that call. Please.

Because You Asked

Note: Just because someone asked me to write about "this".

I remember how you first started it. A simple compliment that went directly to the obvious, just a plain comment on how good we'd probably look side by side in bed. I knew that moment I won't ever be in bed with you with clothes on, it'll always be naked. The term "always" was just a figure of speech back then until the next meeting when the electricity was too tangible I can almost touch it - touch you.

We played it cool. Playing everything cool gave you the opportunity to come closer and me the chance to relax. I became relaxed when you first took my hand outside the SC parking lot on our way to our chance. We handled everything well, we were a cool bunch. Cool and in heat.

I appreciate the care you took in taking my clothes off, each touch almost in perfect sync to what I wanted at that singular moment. I loved the fact that your first few kisses were sweet and tentative, almost awaiting for my response. I was amazed at how well you read my body that first night, it felt like hours when in fact it wasn't.

The next encounters were the same only better. Sometimes fiery, sometimes playful but almost always played as I wanted. Almost always. We haven't really gotten past the power struggle in bed. You don't pin my arms down as much and I let you have the lower lip. Sounds good. Not always though, you still have that manly side of you and really, it's okay.

My greatest surprise though after the fact that you almost can read me to a dot is that you listen. You made me feel that I'm not just warm body but a co-conspirator.

My first attempt on sex was about exploration. Learning the hows and whats. It was about the act of making love. My second attempt was about giving. The drive to satisfy one's partner as needed and the journey to knowing how to give pleasure. The third, this time, was about myself. You gave me the chance to receive and be pleased, with every kiss, every stroke, with every convulsing muscle in my body...I knew I am on the receiving end as well. There was nothing romantic about it, it's rather selfish. Selfish but becoming.

Missing

Conversations:

Hanne: Hay...I dunno, Brian. For one...I'd prolly be the saHanne if I'm a wife and that’s why I don’t want to be one.
Hanne: I'm too praning...women are like that.
Brian: Well…
Hanne: And that's also one reason why I don’t wanna fall for anyone, worthy or unworthy (susHanne) chances are I'd go nuts with worry.
Brian: Can't people have relationships without any strings attached?
Hanne: They can. There are also no feelings involved.
Brian: Like friends na madikit lang?
Hanne: Pwede...pero un nga... love is the most selfish of all emotions.
Brian: That I have to agree with.
Hanne: it is...

Penny: Why have 2 phones? You're an SE person and I'm a Samsung person.
Hanne: It's like having boyfriends. You keep one for your loyalty and you have another one to show off.

Hernan: Honestly though, don’t you miss being able to feel that about and say that to someone?
Hanne: I do and I still wanna end up with someone. Pero unless I'm 100% sure that that person deserves such...then wag nalang. Half baked feelings and loyalty ain't for me.
Hernan: Oh well dreaming about it is as far as I’m going at the moment.
Hanne: See...
Hanne: I dont think anyone would make me commit at the moment.

Honestly though, I miss having that someone Hernani's referring to. Unfortunately, i haven't gotten over the fact that men do cheat however much they love you. I should know, I've found myself on the other end of the fence several times. And sometimes, it go way past the physical, that's the scary bit of it. When it happens, it never goes. The pain remains. And the cheating continues. Unfortunately, though I won't blame my fear on karma, I am aware that such things happen and I'm just not willing to put myself in that position. Maybe not yet.

I'm still hoping though that one day, that guy who'd choose me would come...and I won't be able to say no to him at all.

Back

The birthday girl asked me to open this thing up again. I've been in hiding for so long it took me several tries to remember what's my username and password for this account. I had so many blogs I can't remember which is which.

So will I be back for good? I don't know. I kinda like the anonymity my new blog gave me BUT I've to admit, I miss being myself. It's different when I can actually say my name and post links to my friend's blogs and friendsters and multiply etc.

Whatever. I'd do what I need to do when I feel like doing it. Hahaha~

Birthday girl, here's your wish. The Dreaming Insomniac is once again open...with all the crappy archives...malamang isang malaking eww lang masasabi ko when I backread.

Enjoy~

Lulu

If I print the contents of this blog at Lulu.com, would anyone buy it? Hahaha~

Blog Leave

Starting Over

I've been blogging since 2004. I've always been comfortable with the fact that anyone could and would read what I've to say, what I've been experiencing and what I'm feeling. Sometimes though, one would feel overly exposed. After all, you are only meant to share the details of your life with a few, and the general public's no one but on-going traffic passing by.

I started to feel bad the moment people assumed they know me just by reading through my blog. What ticked me off the most was that people started to assume they have to right to know and understand everything about me.

No, I'm not talking about a particular person or situation, I'm talking about the general disposition of the people I've met through my old blog. I'm gonna keep everything where it is, if blogger closes it for not being used, so be it. I would allow myself the opportunity to look back. Yet I'd restrict the past from coming after me.

I started with Under the Purple Sky, that was when I felt I belong nowhere but my make believe fairyland. I was too young to realize that I am exactly where I should be and that somehow everything is just perfect. When I was writing under that blog, no one knew who I was. It was just a means to an end, I just want to write.

I gave the link out to several friends who aren't much into bloggers and blogging. Purple Sky was my "imaginary" friend for a time that no one saw.

After that, I was able to see that life's meant to be enjoyed and shared. I grew up overnight and I left the fairyland behind. I saw reality in my dreamless state and I liked what I found.

It'll be too pathetic to admit that I found myself then, but that's the truth. I never felt more comfortable with myself than when I was sharing my life though the Dreaming Insomniac. Life, was not something I had to go through, rather it became something that amuses and excites me. I found a really, really large playground then inside my head...and my eyes just grew wider with all the nights and all the days that stretches throughout my reality.

I guess it's safe to say that now, I've pulled myself down from the treetops. I'm still me but a lot more grounded. Life would always be there to amuse me, but I've decided to keep everything a bit more private.

Paul once told me, "there are things that you could only tell your wife, yet there are things you'd only trust a stranger to hear."

I'd rather tell the strangers my stories now.

The Endless

I want one, I want one.

I wanna buy the Endless.

Here are my 2 favorite Endless.


Desire

Let us pause for a moment, as they descent the grey steps toward Destiny's banqueting hall, to consider the Endless.

Desire is of medium height. It is unlikely that any portrait will ever do Desire justice, since to see her (or him) is to love him (or her),- passionately, painfully, to the exclusion of all else.

Desire smells almost subliminally of summer peaches, and casts two shadows: one black and sharp-edged, the other translucent and forever wavering, like heat haze.

Desire smiles in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife-edge. And there is much else that is knife-like about Desire.

Never a possession, always the possessor, with skin as pale as smoke, and eyes tawny and sharp as yellow wine: Desire is everything you have ever wanted. Whoever you are. Whatever your are.

Everything.

Delirium

Delirium is the youngest of the endless.

She smells of sweat, sour wines, late nights, old leather.

Her realm is close, and can be visited; however, human minds were not made to comprehend her domain, and those few who comprehend her domain, and those few who have made the journey have been incapable of reporting back more than the tiniest fragments.

The poet Coleridge claimed to have known her intimately, but the man was an inveterate liar, and in this, as in so much, we must doubt his word.

Her appearance is the most variable of all the Endless, who, at best, are ideas cloaked in the semblance of flesh. Her shadow's shape and outline has no relationship to that of any body she wears, and it is tangible, like old velvet.

Some say the tragedy of Delirium is her knowledge that, despite being older than suns, older than gods, she is forever the youngest of the Endless, who do not measure time as we measure time, or see the worlds through mortal eyes.

Others deny this, and say that Delirium has no tragedy, but here they speak without reflection.

For Delirium was once Delight. And although that was long ago now, even today her eyes are badly matched: one eyes is a vivid emerald green, spattered with silver flecks that move; her other eyes is vein blue.

Who knows what Delirium sees, through her mismatched eyes?

I Agree

I just went by Rsii's blog. He did tell me he updated it last weekend but I never got around to checking it.

I've only one thing to say...I know how he feels when he says he's drowning. We may have different reasons to say so and may be in different situations but I know how it feels like to drown.

***I missed Kait. It helps a lot to have someone to chat with...kahit non-sense minsan. Hehehe~

4 AM

I got home at 4AM.

After 2 months of planning we finally got to see each other again. The guys were there, Randell (of course with Agnes), Ryan and Mikey. I miss Janrey. And Sir Nonoy bailed out a few minutes before our "meeting time" and said he's got an emergency.

Dinner was at Napoli's (of course ako nasunod!). It was just me, Mikey and a late Ryan since Randell and Agnes said they're still finishing some plates and would eventually follow. We honestly thought they'd be a no show and decided on catching a movie after dinner. Two hours of non stop eating and kwentuhan we shuffled out of the resto when Randell and Agnes called up to say they're on their way. We waited for them and decided to just have our usual coffee after dinner rather than get a movie. After all, the point of meeting up regularly is to play catch up. Conversations are always hearty with coffee. Hahaha~

We went to ABSCBN since we figured it'll be harder to find a good parking spot at Morato and we all thought it'll be best to just head to the nearest coffee shop than to transfer again.

The baristas of course won't let me off the hook for leaving them. They miss me. Hahaha~ Well, I miss them too.

Once settled on our own comfy couches, we started to dissect Ryan relationship and his effort in breaking up with his current girl. Well, the talked suddenly got diverted to his new PS3 and how it's taking his time, and how jealous the gf seems to be. With guys though, that's not even a contest. PS3 wins. They could always get a new girl! Then I texted Glenn to tell him I'm downstairs with the Arki peeps. He joined us shortly and was at first lost with how we've been forever comparing the pros and cons of having a PS3 againts having a gf. Now, I'm not sure if Ryan could actually make the break-up a reality, but we sure enjoyed the time we spent at Starbucks!

The guys then decided to head to Randell's condo at Katips to check his LAN set-up which is not working properly. We drove to Katips and...well...I can't remember much because I fell asleep on the bed...

I woke up 2 hours later at around 4AM and no one's around. Agnes was asleep beside me, Randell's younger brother was on the bed beside us and Randell was on the cot on the floor snoring like hell. I decided to had off and left them asleep. I just a left a message that I went ahead.

When I texted Glenn and Penny and told them that I'm gonna head home, they both said to stay put and sleep it off. Too late, I was walking along Katipunan looking for a cab already. It was scary, I'd have to admit. I could've been mugged, raped or kidnapped and killed and no one would see me. I'm just way too hardheaded I guess.

Why do I do it? I was thinking about the answer to that the entire ride home.

Maybe because I want to prove the fact that I can take care of myself. Or that I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me. Or that I really can be alone and be alright.

Or maybe, I just like to cap off a nice evening with a little solitude. I love long rides at night.

***Note to Glenn: Sige na, payag ka na sa car, bilhin ko, 5 years to pay...sige na nga, 12 months to pay. I love long drives at night.

New Blog

It's weird...when I've tried to chronicle every single piece of my life here for the past 3 years yet all I want now is leave it behind and close it up.

What's happening to me?

Walk Away

When the goin' gets tough...I wanna give up! I want to throw in the towels, hang my jersey and just walk away. And I honestly wish I'd be able to do that one day, I wish I can do that to my family.

The other night I told Kait I was excited to receive my first pay at my new job. I was. Heck, I've been underpaid for years now, what's a few more hundreds in my pocket. Then she joked, "shopping na!" and all I could see were the money slipping off of my fingers. The bills and the like, my medication and the few extra that I give to my mom. I handed over more than half to pay off my debt. I handed about 10% to mom. Less than 24 hours later, she's asking for more. I asked what for since the bills have been paid c/o yours truly. She gave me a litany of where the 10% went to. My dad's meds, my sister's project, my brother's research work. Yep, the money I gave her for our "pamalengke" extras went to my jobless dad who decided to retire when his kids were in gradeschool and highschool, my sister who's not even sure if she's getting a degree because after four years of college and if her grades aren't high enough then she has to settle for a certificate from UP, and my brother who's never home.

Two months ago I asked them what their plans are for the immediate future. Immediate meaning the next semester. No one was able to give me any audible answer. I asked my mom this time, her answer was surprising. "Your brother would stop his studies and you'd take care of your sister's tuition." At that moment all I want to ask was, "And where would you be in the picture? You and Papa? Just there waiting for handouts from relatives? Just there waiting for me to notice you?"

I was hoping for a solid plan. Something that's solid enough though a lot lucrative for them. Never did I hear that someone in this family would look for a job, temporary, part-time or otherwise. None ever mentioned ever trying out a simple business like a carinderia or even a sago-gulaman stand for the summer. I guess I'm proud that at age 4, when I picked up a bagful of discarded "plastic balloon" I decided to pull out a bench and sell 'em at 25 centavos each to the neighborhood kids, when in fact I could just have 'em all and play with it for days. I guess I'm happy that at age 5, when my mom bought me box of "watusi" I decided to sell 'em at a peso per 3 sticks instead of playing with it. And I'm darn proud that I've a steady job at age 25, single and able...and tired.

Call me whatever, but really, sometimes all I want to do is to turn my back and walk away. I don't want to be 25 with the responsibility of a 50 year old woman.

Kait was so right when she told me, "anubayan, yung gastos mo pang matanda." I couldn't be more right when I agreed, "Yeah, I feel old." And I wasn't joking when I asked my boss, "Can I retire next year? I'm tired."