Sunday Ramblings

So Sundays would be my easy days. Lately though, things haven't been anywhere near easy. I'm hoping that it would get better soon, then again, I've been hoping for the past 3 years haven't I?

I can't decide whether I want to have my rest days changed back to Saturday-Sunday instead of the current Friday-Saturday. For one, Christmas eve and New year's eve would be on a Sunday, and I hate working on those days. Then again, I sooooo love the fact that on Sundays I have my own world and is rarely stressed out like when everybody's around me during the weekdays. I have to decide soon.

Another thing is I'm not sure whether I want to enroll this sem. One, it's hard to manage my money when I go out extra. I still can't get myself to commute via bus and jeepney. So my allowance for transpo ballooned to 50% more. Now that's no way to spend money I don't have. Sheesh~ In exchange I have forgone with my weekly shopping and my monthly salon visits. I'm not that sad though, really, but it's still wuite hard to keep up with the money.

I had my credit card disconnected. Yipee~ Sad.

Burgis

I have my venti frap and a packet of Holy Kettle Corn in front of me. The computer screen beside my daily staples. And the window on my right side tells me the sun is about to set and I remembered why I'm here so early.

You see, we don't have any electricity at home because Meralco's transformer got busted, yet again and I just thought I could probably head to work instead of sweating my butt off there. At this point, I could already hear my college Masci friends calling me burgis. They love that word back in the days. I'd hear it left and right, I even used it at times when I felt like being annoying.

On my way here I could not get the voices of the tambays playing pool at our garage out of my head. I was thinking, what do they do on a regular day? Play pool? What about on weekdays? Play pool and drink? On holidays? Play pool and get really drunk? Where do they get the money? Then I got myself all hot and foaming when I remembered that at times when we're in really loud arguments, my parents would usually tell me to shut up and stop shouting because "nakakahiya sa mga tao sa labas." That makes me shout even louder! I'm inside my own home, I'm having an argument with my own parents and I have a job~ And they are in our garage, playing on out pool, listening to our arguments. Sinong nakakahiya again? I don't see it. I don't like making appearances. At all.

Then as I was waiting for a cab out in the main road, I realized that people are just staring a lot at me. Some would pass by me and then take a look back after a few steps. Some would stare from inside the jeepneys and even when I stare back at them with "why the hell are you looking at me" expression, they'd just continue to look. I was thinking, maybe they're just lost in thoughts and just happened to have fixed their stares at me. Then again, a lot of them are fixing their stares at me. That got me pissed yet again. For no reason. Yes, I admit, for no reason at all.

I was inside the cab when some girls playing at the sidewalk suddenly kicked something on the windshield. The driver gave them the eye and I simply wondered, "why are they playing out in the streets where the big vehicles are at?" Then I looked around for a parent who might be watching the girls and I found no one. And that made me really angry. And slowly, as my anger became more tangible by the minute, my awareness become more vivid as well. I see the traffic, the worn out faces of the drivers and commuters, the peddlers on the sidewalk, the shanties flanking the streets, the kargador, the peons and I thought, "this is bad."

Saying that I have mixed emotions would be an understatement. I was caught in a myriad of feelings that somehow I could not even tell each apart. Hinde ko alam kunf kakaawaan ko sila, kakagalitan, kakainisan o kung anuman. I want to be apathetic and yet I want to be sympathetic. I want to help but at the same time I want to condemn them.

Now, as I sip my venti frap and munch on my "special" (as one of my colleague claims) popcorn, I realize that my friends were wrong. I am not simply a burgis. I am blessed and cursed both at the same time. Blessed because I'd always be better than some, but cursed because I'd always look back and feel the guilt of being where I am, with or without any excuse.

A Set For Each

Hernan was right when he said we should have different sets of friends. There are some things that I can't discuss, even mention with some people, while it sould make perfect sense to tell all to some. Having different friends is almost like having different kinds addictions. One for each emotion, one for each situation, one for each person inside you.

And I was right when I said I have everything cleanly compartmentalized inside my head. It's a bit schizophrenic in nature really, but I doubt if my friends can actually crack the things that makes the entirety of this goddess within me. Really, it's a tough nut to crack all the way. For one, I know I could never discuss dating and sex with my college friends. Well, not all of them. There's Dylan who knows more about me that he'd care to share with our other friends, you're such a gentleman. And yes, I would never discuss my "mistakes" with men with some of my girlfriends for fear of having the daylight smacked out of me. Please, I don't want to hear the "I told you so" version of my girlfriends which sounds something like, "If I were you..." Yeah right, if you were me, then you won't be so dolled up in your little world won't you? So for that I have Hernan and Kait and Glenn. And whenever I want to rant about work then I have another set for that. The same people who works with me. Then there are girl problems that only Sister could get and understand, like how we're aware that we're being used and treated like a doormat but still we stick to that old worn out dude with dear life. No, we don't tell each other how stupid we are, we remind each other we're human.

And the list goes on. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm glad I've enough friends to fill my life. I don't need three friendster accounts to accomodate everyone. I just need the ones who are willing to stay in touch and who are willing to accept me with all the bad packaging and the worrisome clambering in compartmentalizing everything. I'm an obsessive-compulsive after all. Nah, just making excuses.

Meet Cyra

I got this on my mail today. Best thing I received on snail mail in recent years. It's always been bills...now, something good naman.

Body Shots

Why wasn't I around everytime something great happens? Ugh~Tequila please!

Talk about wanting to head back to Galera. It's not the beach, it's somewhat about the travel and almost always about the booze. After all, I'm in foreign soil and no one knows who I am. It's somewhat similar to being invisible. I can be whoever I wanna be.

I'm Doin It!

I printed a copy of the sponsorship form at work and now I'm emailing it to them. Hmm...Early Christmas gift for myself. An iPod Shuffle, a watch (maybe) and a sponsorship. Great!

More Watches

Nike Women (white striped)

Nike Triax (purple)

Nike Presto Duo Metal (red)

Just Chatting~

[02:35]: May life of her own na nga, na experience ko pa online. That's like a very specific fantasy becoming 50% real.
[02:36]: weird e. dun palang sa use of words mo...a specific fantasy that's becoming 50% real...
[02:36]: so you've admitted to it as a fantasy that's not totally becoming a reality
[02:36]: so still...you're not making the entire experience tangible and liveable enough
[02:37]: anyways, just my pov
[02:37]: Maybe I'm not expecting it to be fully real.
[02:37]: I'm not even sure if I absolutely want to.
[02:37]: That's the irony of it.
[02:38]: A fantasy I'm so infatuated with but I really don't know for certain if I wanna make it real.
[02:38]: there you go. then why do you think you dont want to make it a reality
[02:38]: when you have the means to? we fantasize bec we want something that's unattainable but urs is
[02:39]: Because I don't know the price to pay if I walk her path. Ayun. Natumbok ko.
[02:40]: so you admit to be being scared...scared of not knwing what you could lose in the process?
[02:40]: Yup. I'm scared in many ways.
[02:40]: many ways? like how?
[02:41]: I was brought up in a play safe environment with a play sa fe of a mom.
[02:41]: don't you think it's about time to take some real and big risks?
[02:41]: I think it's the time, but....
[02:41]: hmmm...hesitation...that's bad
[02:41]: yup.
[02:41]: no buts. yes or no? then do it. practice nga...what's one thing youve always wanted to do but you cant seem to do?
[02:42]: This reminds me of my n70. This phone's a risk in a lot of ways.
[02:43]: Cuz mom doesn't know I bought it. For a person who depends on allowance, everything's not mine.
[02:43]: allowance you say? then it was already given to you. it's urs. it's yours to dispense
[02:45]: I guess you can consider them as minor risks. But this girl...she represents what could be my biggest gamble yet.
[02:45]: then take it. roll the dice. and be eaten alive if needed
[02:46]: the gamble of taking things over, for the first time. because if I pursue this, my adversary won't be just her.
[02:47]: who else then?
[02:47]: My very conformist environment with its very conformit people.

[02:49]: hmmm...let me tell you about gambling...and risks...i think you have an idea that i fell for a jerk. met him 3 yrs ago, was totally charming and wonderful. and i knew he was playing me. i played his game for 2 1/2 years. we we're just playing hide and seek. catch me and you're it. then people started asking me why i do it. why i play the game. why i;m content with a pseudo relationship with a jerk...because i was afraid of taking risks. of falling for anyone. with a jerk i protect myself. i know i wont fall for him...

[02:50]: then someone challenged me to fall. he asked me straight on, if you like him then fall! if not, then leave and i took the risk. not bec he challenged me. not because of pride...as if id gain anything. not bec i want to be a rebel, as tim thought. bec i thought if im not willing to take this then what would ever happen to me????
[02:51]: so there
[02:51]: i fell
[02:51]: i cried a lot. i got cheated on. i got confronted twice by other girlfriends. then i left him. and you know what???? people think it was a mistake. they knew from the start that i wason the losing end. and i knew that too...then why do i feel like i gained a lot????
[02:53]: think about it...maybe losing ain't that bad. maybe being againts everyone would give you the spine to stand a bit straighter next time
[02:53]: Because if you don't fall, that will make you the quintessential bitch who just plays the game.
[02:53]: no. bec if i don't fall then i'd never feel
[02:54]: :applause smilie:
[02:54]: and if you dont risk then you'd stay the coward who knows nothing
[02:54]: Very great statement. I got blown by that statement.
[02:55]: hahahahaha
[02:56]: Wow!
[02:56]: parang hinde ka pa makarecover a
[02:56]: The hide and seek statement can land you in a sriptwriting job.
[02:57]: Sabi nga sa trailer ng Maging Sino Ka Man....
Sa mundong pilit kang binabago....
Lahat gustong sumugal....
Lahat gustong lumigaya....
Lahat gustong umibig..
Lahat gustong lumaya...
[02:57]: Wow!
[02:58]: hahahaha
[02:58]: "If I don't fall, then I'd never feel."

How Big Is The Pool

Would you rather be a big fish in a small pool or a small fish in a big pool?

I ask, how big is big? And how small is small? You see, by leaving those things undefined you just got yourself caught up in a very vicious cycle. One that would crush your ego over and over until you could no longer hold yourself up. And yes, i'm talking from experience. Given that I'm only 24 and very much sheltered compared to most I haven't even seen anything close to a pond really.

When I was in senior high, I was so proud to wear my I.D. mainly because the identifications at our school are color coded and it shows what level you're in. Heck, I was one of the biggest fishes in that fish bowl of ours. I was senior, part of the top class and one of the top students. And then? Nothing. When I stepped out of it I was nothing. I was a plankton. A bad plankton at that...Now don't even ask me what a bad plankton is okay, let's agree that it's something really nasty.

Then you think you're all good and nice after sometime. You want people to know where you're studying because they're not in there with you. You want people inside to know what course you're taking because they're not in there with you. And you want everyone in your college where you belong because they're not part of that group with you. And then what? Nothing. When I stepped out of the university I was nothing. I was a wide-eyed doll who knows nothing. And again...it was nasty.

Now I'm in another world. And I feel so small and big. When I look back, I see just how far I've come. I see all the people I've left behind. And I see all the people I've travelled with. But then I look forward I see all the others that I had to pass through. I see all the steps I gotta take to move up. And I see that it's gonna be a long way up.

And to answer the question, I aim to be the biggest fish in my own little fishbowl but would willingly be a small fish in a community inside that big pond.

Finals

Everything seems to be a bit final today. My last day at work for the week then I start all over again. I got my leave conversion and pay then I start all over again. Shift bid shells were passed and then I start over again. I had my finals and then I'd start another sem over again.

Nice. And tiring.

New Home

I have a new home.

In the nude. No clothes, no make-up, no trimmings.

After several months I go back Under My Purple Sky and I strip myself of everything.

Join me if you can find me ;p

Near Christmas

Christmas carols brings a lot of memories back. Of Christmas past and warm nights, of tinklling laughter and solemn prayers and of broken promises...

I'm not yet ready for another Christmas.

After Tonight

I look at you looking at me
Feels like a feeling meant to be
And as your body moves with mine
It's like I'm lifted out of time

And time again
Patiently I've waited
For this moment to arrive

After tonight
Will you remember
How sweet and tenderly
You reached for me
And pulled me closer
After you go
Will you return to love me
After tonight begins to fade

I feel your touch caressing me
This feeling's all l'll ever need
With every kiss from your sweet lips
It's like I'm drifting out of time

Alone will tell
If you feel the way I feel
When I look in your eyes

***I miss you...the thought of you.***

Appearance & Beauty

I chanced upon this question on one of the sites that I checked recently (due to lack of things to do) and I it got me thinking...Does appearance matter? And everyone said it doesn't because what's important is skin deep. That's what everyone answered, everyone that is except me.

Appearance is important. It's what you give the world. It's the you that you project for everyone to see. It's your physical representation to the rest of humanity and your projection into reality. Yes, of course, appearance is important.

It would have been a different thing if I was asked, is beauty important. I would still say it is important but not as much as appearance. You could always try to appear better but you could never be more beautiful than what you are, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder yet appearance is something more oblique. You can choose to look serene or unsettled, you can look humbled or mighty but with beauty, the scale is quite different.

Why did I say that beauty is important? Because whether we admit it or not, being beautiful has it's advantages. It is important just as having colorful feathers are important to peacocks and montrous horns are important to deers...Being beautiful can be quantified in many different things in so many ways. That some tribe in Asia thinks having long necks in women are quite desirable and that Chinese women with smaller feet are held as trophies. Beauty helps you get noticed, be it at a social gathering, a job interview, a pageant...Beauty is important.

How important is important then? Not as important as what's inside.

You see, when people are asked if appearance is important and they answer that what's important is skin deep then they're lying because they pimp themselves crazy every single day. They clean themselves and they press their clothes and they make sure they're presentable. If people are asked if beauty is important and they answer the same thing, then they're lying as well...

Don't even ask me why I'm trying to justify this. I have no idea.

Finally

Took us a lot of planning (asa pa!) to get this one shot taken after years of being...errr...picture-less together (for the lack of term...or sleep).