Hooking Up

I was supposed to be hooking up with my pseudo-boyfriend slash virtual date last weekend, but after a very quick reflex action I dacided to meet up with my blockmates instead. I am so thankful they have the same reflex action I have since almost everyone I texted agreed to meet me up late Saturday afternoon. Everyone except Cabads. Boo-Hoo!

I was psyched that Leni can come, finally, I won't be the only girl in the group. Everything started off almost perfectly. Almost because Randell was late! But wait til hear the reason why he was SUPER late! It was super funny!!! Anyway, since he was late, and since we thought that it was not a good idea to watch a movie at SM North during the weekend, we decided to transfer to Galleria. Where we had to wait out a couple of hours because the movie ain't starting til 10PM. Dinner was okay, though I've been dieting on pizza for the past few weeks (I dunno why whenever I go out lately I end up inside a pizza place?). Then came Ice Monster, where I accidentally ruined my favorite bag...Ouch! I have to buy a new one this weekend...Basically, I settled for a colored mish mash of crushed ice. I loved it! hahaha!

The movie was the best treat of the night though. I was laughing my tonsils silly most of the time. It was a sure blast, not to mention that I think the story line is way witty. Also, I can't seem to get enough of Brad Pitt's body. I mean, I think the shirts he used were way gay-ish, but then again, on him it looked totally fab, or maybe my better judgement is just affected by his super wonderful abs? Okay, I think I better stop. But Matt Damon is uber cute...Okay, I'll stop.

We saw Bing and Pat on our way out...Hi Bing! Hi Pat! Just in case they come by my blog...

The events after the movie was basically a repeat of all the overnights we had before. The usual drop by the grocery, the usual problem with opening cans (why can't anyone buy a decent can opener?) the usual, drinking sessions (where I got knocked down by a sinlge bottle of Vodka Cruiser, the hell!!! I dunno what happened to me that night?!), and my favorite, just chillin with my buds.

It felt nice that I can talk to all of them again. Not just talk but be silly and serious all at the same time. We got to plan out days ahead, a plan which I'm hoping would push through, and we got to reminisce our past. A lot of past was pulled in the open since the guys wouldn't stop with the digging! Haha!

I'm coming back there next week. I want to be surrounded by these great people whom I've come to love over the last six years of my life. Who wants to jog around the acad oval next weekend? Please text me.

Letters III

P,

A friend told me a minute ago to go ahead and be happy. That I don't need to fear the unknown because even if things don't go as I would like it to I can always think of it as a learning experience. So maybe, I'm a bit more ready to give this a try.

Last night I saw a different side of you, even though I was haggling your time away from your work, for the few minutes that you do turn to me, I feel like I'm the only person you're talking to. I never thought that someone could make another person feel really special in that way. I'm glad I got to talk to you even though my eyes are forever droopy today, it was worth it.

I wish that I have the same faith that you have. You're ready to grab all the opportunities that comes your way, you can recognize the challenges that would push you higher on top, you can see the possiblities in me that I myself cannot see. I believe you now, carpe diem.

Hope to see you soon. Get well too...

Hanne

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Jane,

Girl, thanks so much for the company. You've inspired me in so many ways. You dragged my old self out of my aging shell and now I feel better than ever. You made me see the me that I've long forgotten.

People say you're kikay, I think you just know how to enjoy life, its luxuries and you know exactly how to infuse the giggly feeling to everyone around you. Yes, even Art. Hahaha!

I told you I feel that you know more than most people think you do. I can feel that. Maybe one day you'll tell me about it, maybe I'll never find out what it is exactly, just remember to be wise and play love hard. It's all worth it.

Goddess

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Rose,

I knew, even during training that you'll be a great friend. I was right to call you my MOMMY. You know exactly what to say to make me feel better about everything. Not to make bola though, cause I know you meant every single word. You're one of the few people who kept on reminding me that I'm worth more than what I'm getting. You're one of the few people around me who made me see the other side of me, the better and forgotten side of me.

You'll always be my Mommy Rosie!

Hanne

I Don't Want to be RESPONSIBLE

I don't want to be responsible. I want to go home and leave work behind. I want to lie in my bed for hours not thinking about reports, service levels and queues.

I'm sick and I'm working still. This is a terrible year. I think.

I got to talk to him though, and we got everything straightened out about me ditching him. And everything's back to normal, whatever normal is. I would like to think we have our own definition of normal which honestly is not normal for most people.

What I mean is that we're much too straighforward with each other. Which I think is a good thing, then again a lot of people are concerned that things are going way too fast. My say, "how can it be way too fast when we don't even have time to be together?" Sometimes I think he's just a figment of my imagination that exists only on my cellphone. Just another blinking name on my random list. Good thing I get to talk to him once in while, that makes everything more real, that there's a real person behind the flashing messages on my phone. Haha! A virtual papa!

Closing Cycles

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Of Marriage and Decisions

I've been convinced that I would spend tha rest of my life alone. A spinster up til the end of my days. That's why I kept on saying that one day I'll have a kid, regardless of whether I'm married or not. Maybe that was my own sorry excuse for being alone. I dunno.

Up until now, even when I'm seeing someone, even when I know that the stream of men that would come my way would not stop anytime soon, I feel the impending loneliness. And thus I came to one of my most prevalent question, a question that I've whispered a thousand times and a hundred different times an answer was whispered back but still I was unconvinced.

How would you know?

How would you know that the person you are with right now is the right person for you. That you are ready to take the relationship to the next level. How would you know when to continue and when to stop? How would you know that it should end here, with this very person?

I told them that I am so afraid of making the wrong decision when it comes to marriage. I don't want to be trapped in a mistake. But I am so scared of letting the chance pass as well. What if my future has been standing in front of me and I was so blind not to see it? What would happen to me then?

Maybe they're right, maybe I would know. That one single moment of knowing.

And maybe I won't.

Dumped?

This is the first I ever dumped a guy without even knowing I did it.

Yes, we talked and he told me I dumped him. HU-WAT?!

Oh...what can I do if he thinks I dumped him, better be the dumpee than the one dumped right? Sayang...

And I'm done with the lockers, I think.

Career and Lovelife eh?!

Capricorn 2005 Horoscope

Your own planet, serious Saturn, will spend the first half of the year influencing you with regard to relationships, Capricorn, and the second urging you to get up close and personal with someone you've just recently learned to trust. But during the whole of 2005, you'll be just as concerned as ever with your career. The good news is that you'll be amply rewarded for your efforts in all departments, and the kudos will start pouring in as soon as the 9th of January. For the rest of winter, you'll focus on your personality and appearance. You may be in the mood to start a diet or quit a bad habit during January. In February, you'll want to tend to money matters -- which may be a bit tricky to navigate. Keep an open mind, and don't hesitate to explore unconventional possibilities. The full Moon of March 25th will bring attention to a family situation -- one you've been worried about for some time. Let go and let your emotions show. The solar eclipse in April will help to bring closure to the matter. For the rest of spring, you'll be intent on getting closer to someone you've only been thinking of casually for some time now. It's time to put intimacy on the front burner. Whether it's emotional, physical or intellectual doesn't matter. Bare your soul with confidence. In particular, the full Moon of June 22nd will arrive just in time to help you be brave and bold, personally speaking. Take advantage of it. The urge to get close won't be going anywhere soon, either. All during summer, you'll be focused on a certain person -- but fortunately, they'll be just as focused on you! This could mean -- once again -- that you're due to either end a relationship or take a casual encounter to a whole new level. Just don't let your work slide. You have your reputation to think of. A voice from the past could arrive early in fall. Before you allow them back into your life, be sure you're ready for a committed relationship -- because that's exactly what they'll have in mind. During October, two eclipses will help you to turn toward career matters and think less about personal things. By the time the holidays roll around, you'll be quite ready to relax -- and you'll certainly have earned it. Some new family members may be along to help you enjoy your time together -- but don't forget about that mistletoe! What are the secrets of your personality? Discover yourself -- and make the most of your year -- with a free Personal Profile Reading! Content provided by Astrology.com © Astrology.com 1996 - 2005

What Does 2005 Have In Store For You? Get Life, Love, and Career Horoscopes - for Free!

First Day

It's my first day of work for the year 2005, and I started it with a big headache!

Talk about rearranging the entire locker system of the company. I'm dealing with more than 400 lockers and more than 800 different pieces of locks. I feel like I'm a contestant in the old game show of Eric Quizon and Maila Gumila (?) at ABS-CBN. It's like rummaging through this boxful of keys to find the one that would open one of the lockers. And I have to do it over and over until I'm done with every single one of them. Sorry to say that my shift is almost done and I'm only at #33. Oh well...I'm trying my best.

Countdown

It's 47 minutes away from midnight and I'm pissed.

I was supposed to leave by 8PM but horrors of all horrors I have to stay until 11PM. I was supposed to meet someone by 10PM, but surprise, he's not yet ready up until now.

This is a year full of crap!!!

I know, I'm just hot-headed because I have been here in the office for the past 11 hours, I've been staring at the same monitor for 6 hours and I haven't eaten anything since breakfast! Bullcrap!!!

Please forgive me. I'm upset.

Escaping Year

The year is about to end and here is my long awaited escape.

The year 2004 was not a bad year but a memorable year. I went through a lot of transformations throughout its days. The months spun golden white sheets around me so hurriedly I didn't get to realized that life has decided to change me into something far greater than I am.

I was able to change so much in such a short time. I was able to realize many things that people learn about in years. I went from the reserved and scared wallflower into something of a warrior.

The year started horribly for me. I was sick and I was about to lose my job. I was wallowing in a sea of regret for the decisions I've made the previous year and I was harboring so much fear I was rendered immobile for the first quarter of the year.

The awakening started when I learned that I can really stand out from the rest. I always thought of myself as someone who can deal with anything and everything, but at that moment, I became someone who can deal anything that no one else would dare to go into. I was inspired to become a greater force. I wanted people to see just how good I am in doing my job. I want my family to realize that I can be someone who is respected and admired professionally. I wanted to show my partner then that I am better than he is. That I can get my job done perfectly without having to cover my ass for being so pompous.

Steadily I gained confidence. I felt that I can handle anything and everything better than anyone else. I would like to think I did.

With all the confidence and professional admiration that I got, my emotions were slowly plunging to its long and hopeless death. I felt my foundation shaking constantly. The protective shelter I created around me was about to fall and I have nowhere to go.

And so with that I went home with my head bowed low. Hoping that this time around my family and I can really iron everything out. The moment I set my heart into getting every broken piece together, things became a little better. A lot bearable. I was able to connect with the most important people in my life. Though I still feel that we still have a lot of work to do, a start is still a start especially when it's filled with such great promises.

I also started reconnecting with old friends. The lost bond was recharged with a new sense of trust. These are the people who had stayed with me through everything. Every adult ordeal that I went through they were there to give their most loving pats and their most heartfelt sighs.

New friends that I've kept at arms length came in suddenly the moment I opened my untrusting heart. I was flooded with new hope. An infusion of everything new revived the barren soul that I've become. I am most greatful for their loving way of welcoming me.

A very dear friend also gave me a little inspiration before the year ended. I found that however bad things might seem, even when things don't go as you planned, a small miracle would happen that would make you think that everything is just worth all the worrying and crying you've been through. This little guy gave me reasons to believe that just like his mom, I too shall have someone as precious as he is. I can't wait for my turn.

And just before the end of the year, an unbecoming visitor came my way. I was shocked and surprised with the way things turned into. This is something that I never thought I'd find myself in, in such a short period of time. I'm still wary most of the time, but I realized, I just have to sieze the moment lest it might be lost through eternity and I'll forever harbor the question, "what if?"

I'm still the same old me. A better version. An upgraded model. I am still that same girl you all saw smile, you all heard laugh and at times even cried. Then again, you can't argue that I am changed. A similar different me is welcoming another year. This year, hopefully, is when I'll plan my great escape.

In Fear

I'm currently immersed in fear. Last 24th was hell night for me. I think there'll be a repeat this week. A double repeat

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I was already expecting that by the 31st (since it's a Friday) the events of the previous week would be repeated. I never thought that Thursday too shall pose such a threat to my non-existent "off" time.

You see during Thursdays and Fridays, the last two days of my work-week, I have to stay behind for another two hours because the next RTA on duty would be in at 10PM even though I should be out as early as 8PM. No, I'm not overworked, as a friend once remarked. I said I'm just responsible. And rendering this overtime work is part of my responsibility, I guess.

Going back to the threat I was talking of, it would seem like I have to work from 11am til 6am if something happens to Papa Pao. He was supposed to relieve me from the duty by 10PM. I called him up as per the instructions of our manager this morning to tell him to come in early. And you know what? He said he's sick and he's not sure if he can come to work. That would be ok most at any other time but not on a Thursday and on a Friday. Especially since, after staring at our posted schedule, I found out that the other RTA on duty would be handling our customer care accounts. And so the question is, who would handle the technical support account? Our account? The only answer I could think of is ME.

Please let Paolo come. I can't work a double shift! Not if I still have another shift tomorrow morning! That's way too much.

In moments like this, I'd like to quote a friend...I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE!

Christmas Blues

The blues are coming back. I thought I could get through this Christmas without it, but as I've noticed it never failed to give me a visit every single year. This time around it decided to come a little later but it's still there, watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

It caught me unaware. I was happy and excited the previous weeks. I was excitedly waiting for Christmas! And now that it has passed I'm feeling all blue and down. As if the past few days were mere seconds of agony for my bored and tired self.

I got to chat with someone yesterday. We talked about work (bleh!) and how he wants to conquer the world and prove to everyone that he's a force to be reckoned. I knew he can reach his goals. I told him so. But he was unconvinced as he knows that hate and pain drives him further into the bloody game. He also told me that he feels like no one can see past the charmer/actor he has created to be able to control the people around him.

I felt bad. I feel the same. No one sees past the face, the smile, the tears. Even I can't see behind the curtains I've dropped once my act was over. Why so, I can't explain. There's this feeling that was tugging at the back of my mind, asking for its sweet release.

With that in mind I embarked in another set of transformation. I went to the salon today to have my hair fixed. Not that it needs any fixing, but I thought I just have to learn to let go sometimes. Also, I'm plannning on going out this Friday night. I want to spend New Year's eve amidst new faces. I wanted to be in the middle of the crowd instead of hunched up in my bed waiting for food to be served at midnight. I want to be with someone new, instead of the old tired faces that I've seen year in and year out.

After which I plan to go back to the mountains. I want to cleanse myself of all the negative marks my previous life has left. I wanted to make peace with my own conscience. I want to convince myself that bad things do happen to good people and that I can start over again as easily as I can imagine it happening.

I hope that plans would push through. I need all those simple valediction. I need to make sure that I'll find whatever it is that I'm looking for, and I'm starting as soon as I can on friendly territories. I'll traverse the thoughts of my mind, the emotions of my heart and the being of my soul. Yeah, and I started with a hair cut.

What's Your Sweet Revenge?

hanne, your sweet revenge is Telling Secrets

Secrets are secret? That may not be exactly the case in your world or in your defense tactics. While you usually respect the confidence of those close to you, spilling the beans of an opponent can be a crafty comeback. In your eyes, a secret is just a rumor that doesn't have any wings.

Even when you accidentally divulge privileged information, it's probably because you need to relieve yourself of the burden of knowledge or help someone better understand a situation. Some secrets are simply too juicy not to share. And besides, it's not a secret if everyone knows, right? Just don't tell anyone we told you.

I cried on my Birthday

No, I did not cry because I was happy. Well, I was somewhat happy at first. As I've said, this is the first time I ever felt like celebrating my birthday again after so many years. But my day ended in tears.

I didn't get any sleep the night before, because I was so excited! I'm gonna meet several special someones all throughout the day. I couldn't bring myself to sleep even if I treid. And so I went to work with dark circles under my eyes paired with a dazzling smile. Had breakfast with several girl friends, I was treated to lunch by a fellow RTA and was able to talk to someone over text. (expensive means of communication, sana may PLDT siya di ba?!)

Then, later that day, I found myself alone, hungry and sleepy. I dunno what happened that triggered my tears but one moment I was smiling, the next I was crying like a kid. Several friends came to me asking what was wrong, the Manager in charge panicked with th sight of his one and only RTA in tears. Later I forced myself to stop crying while clutching on a teddy that my friend gave me. Another friend kept on taking my pictures while I was crying. Hindi ko gets why?!

My responsible side took over and the rest of the night went by beautifully.

I went home and slept. That was it. Another birthday.

Hanne's Crushables

I have nothing to do for the past few days here at work. Please don't tell my boss because this is the only rest I can get from work. Then again, I have to look like I'm busy or something, good thing we have unlimited internet access. And so for several days, all i've been doing is surf, blog, scour Peyups and PEx and look really, really tired.

Just yesterday, I got tired of the old pages I usually would visit. And so my attention went to friendster. Yes, I tried updating everything on my profile. Well, not everything, but anything I can update. Together with that I also tried to search some of my old crushes. Remembering them made me all giddy with excitement.

Here's a list of my most memorable crushables.

Crush #1.
His name is William. I didn't want to give him a code name since there's no point in doing so. He was my first ever crush back in Kinder 2. Yes, Kinder. I remember, the kinder building in LaCo is located at the back of the lot. So during dismissal, my teacher would ask us to form to line, one line for boys, the other for girls. Then you get to hold hands with the guy beside you while you're walking towards the gate. And yes, I got to hold his hand once. I remember, he kept on telling me, "yung lunch box mo sira na." All the while I kept on telling him not to mind it. I don't care if i'm dragging my lunch box on the concrete floor! That was fun. Too bad I don't remember his last name.

Crush #2
Upon entering first grade, I found a new cutie. Czandrei Adawag. I dunno why I liked him, I just knew I found him super smart. He was on top of our class and he's got this super nice smile. He was my one and only crush until third grade, that was when I realize, a crsuh is just a crush and he will never look at me. I'm sorry, feeling ko dati magkaka-love life na ako e. Too bad, I can't find him in Friendster.

Crush #3
If Kait ever reads this, she'll kill me. All those time she would gush about Raldie back in 5th-6th grade, I felt like gushing about one of his friends. I didn't want to anyone about him cause he's simply not the crushable type. Though I know that several high school girls kept on bugging him up until graduation. Pathetic high schoolers! I saw him again after a few years, but I didn't like what I saw. He's still cute I think but he's a changed man, and I don't like what he's done with himself anymore.

Crush #4

Come college I discovered another play ground where I can scout for cute guys. I still remember my first tambay day at the arki lobby. When Exx walked by on his way to the admin. Anj and I couldn't believe just how cute he was. Yes, he was my first ever crush in UP. It didn't last long though. The second time I saw him, Ir ealized his not my type altogether. Way too short. Way too mestizo for me. And so I had to look again.

Crush #5

First ever summer class for Math 17. Enlistment on one of the 3rd floor rooms. There I saw him. I big guy with a goatee. So cute with his Hawaiian inspired green bag. Leni was the first to admit he's kinda cute, but in the end, he became my fist big crush. I can still remember how I would follow him around. If someone tells me he's in AS, you bet I'll be at AS. If someone tells me they saw him at CS, I'll be at CS. I remembered how my knees gave way upon the realization that we do have a common friend! I just had to lie in the middle of AS Lobby with a choco mint granita on one hand. I was pathetic, I know. I don't care! He's cute. Too bad I screwed up my chance of getting close to him. I never dared text him again after my big blunder.

Crush #6

Abother Math crush. I was with him with him in another Math 17 class. He was super sweet. As in he would always ask me if I have a ride and whenever he learns I don't have my car with me then, he would drive me to arki. I still remember the time it was raining hard. We decided to run hand in hand to the parking. He said it's to support me because the pavement's slippery. Aww!!!

Crush #7

My only major crush in arki. He was an orgmate. I think I developed this cruch on him after one of those overnight thingies we used to do. Hahaha! Ang vague ko. Basta, I didn't like him before cause I thought he was mayabang, after one night I changed my mind and I started to really like him. He courted one of my friends. When he finally noticed me I already got myself into a new relationship. Too bad, I felt he wanted to smack himself for waiting a week. I told him if only he came to me a week earlier I would've been with him. Well, not my lost. Ang yabang ko na.

Crush #8

After 2 years of not having any crushables, I met my last crush from my previous job. That was over a year ago. I got attracted to him because he looks so confident and sure of himself. And I like the "mayabang" looking guys eh. Anyway, I found out he liked me din. And so...I think you know the story na.

So far, I don't have any other major crush. Sila lang talaga. Yung iba crush ko ng 1 week lang, ng 2 days. Si Exx ilang days lang, pero medyo malakas impact ng first impression ko sa kanya, that's why I decided to include him, though he failed the second impression test. I'm still looking for new crushes, hey, I like the kilig feeling they bring. I can't wait to find another crushable papa!