Saturday Hiatus

I slept, it was Saturday. I woke up and it was still Saturday.

Friday night, as always, I stayed behind and spent the early morning with my agents and friends. I didn't want to go home because first, it was a gimik night and I don't want to sulk at home and second, because I've been alone for the last 2 days of shift that I never really got to spend time with anyone other than my PC. I had to catch up. Not that there's a lot of catching up to do...I just feel I needed that.

As predictable as the weather in Alaska, i got to move around the floor, greeting anyone who's willing to greet me back. I was on a roll...

Unfortunately, my great night ended in a very low note...well, more like, my day started in a very low note. Just before I went home, a few minutes before sunrise, I heard s sad fact that ruined me. I was so distraught everyone can see the apparent change in my mood. The shadows clouded my eyes and I can see no one. And so I resigned myself home and begged someone to call me up. Too bad, he was no help at all. I slept with a broken heart.

I woke up after seven hours, still Saturday, sweaty and groggy. I thought the day would be forever ruined until I started to spend time with Rose. Great therapy, talking. I was able to release every bit of tension with just a few laughs. The walk around the mall, the food, and the good buys were enough to revive me. Not to mention that the resto where Darlynn brought us was great. I'm actually planning on bringing my grandparents there. And again, the laughter we shared was more than enough to last me for days. We're just one bunch of happy people that night. Melancholic maybe, but fun nonetheless.

I went home with a smile on my face. Sad though that the moment I entered my home, my cellphone beeped like crazy. Another crazy idea from a crazy person making me insanely stupid. I cried myself to sleep on a Sunday morning.

Empty

I just remembered that one particularly gut wrenching question: Is your glass half-empty or half-full? Hahaha! Honestly I never really gave that particular question any thoughts. I would answer it, yes, but never did I muse over it longer than what it takes to say the answer. Until about a few minutes ago, when I suddenly went invisible in YM after dragging chat with a busy stranger.

The moment I decided to close the chat window I felt ajn emptiness in my chest I haven't felt in a long time. I almost forgot what it's like. A big whole, an empty space...filled with nothingness. If someone will ask me the same question, I'll no longer answer "just half" with a smile, or probably even a laugh. I'll have to whisper, "empty" this time.

Empty.

My Panty Personality Quiz

Panty Personality

hanne, you're a V-string

Whether you're batting your eyelashes, smiling that sweet smile, or brushing past him at a party, you know how to work it, girl. And that's why you're a sweet and sexy v-string. Just like your panty match, you're the perfect mix of cool and classic and flirty and fun.

We bet you're on everyone's invite list because you've got the confidence and charisma to talk to strangers and make anyone in the room feel important. And nothing's sexier than that!

Ghost

Yes, you're right again.

I don't feel you as well. You're there but I spend more time with strangers. You're there but I know more about the everyday faces I meet in the hallways. You're there but I can't feel you.

You said that maybe that's the appeal of it, that I won't get tired of you. Where would that leave me then? I'll be someone who is attracted to a ghost of a man who is almost non-existent in my world? And you, will it be the same for you? Maybe, maybe not?

Sometimes methinks I'd rather be miserable now and not see a trace of you, than to be miserable for months and years to come because that's all I'll be seeing of you...traces. Bits and pieces that would make me remember every single wonderful thing about you, but not enough matter to conjure a physical image of you in front of me. Sometimes methinks that crying and pining over the might have beens may be better than crying and wishing for a ghost to appear beside me.

You're right, I don't feel you too. Can you? Can you feel me? I'm sure you can't. You asked me why you're near impossible? Because you are. No one can get near enough to know that person behind the mirage. No one can see the physical person amid the smoke of the illusion. Not even me. Especially me.

You're right, I can't feel you. You are near impossible to perceive, a ghost and a mirage. I can't feel you. You're you.

When The Going Gets Tough

When the going gets tough, Hanne tends to get going. Going, going, going...

No, I don't leave my work behind. I tend to work harder. Going, going, going....

Sheesh, if only someone would have the faith in me. Unfortunately, the people I've always wanted to see me differently can't get the view past my solid and rock hard exterior of a head.

Too bad, the only person whom I want to show my emotions to is way busy with the life that he's so tired of.

Unfortunately, when the going gets tough...Hanne has no choice but to keep it going and going and going...

My Gift, My Curse

I told my closest friends that sometimes you ahve to let go of the most wonderful things because they may not be the best thing for you to have. Honestly, sometimes it doesn't feel that way. You'd know it's true once you're over that particular thing or event in your life, but I know that if you're still hooked up with that wonderful thing (whatever it may be...) you'd always feel sure that it's the only good thing for you. I'm at that point right now. And I can't seem to convince myself otherwise.

The deep and foreboding emotion of being happy keeps nudging me from behind my back, the question that would never be answered seems to always start with "what if..." and the hopeful cries of my undeniable pigheadedness seems to call on the "maybe" that one will find at the end of each rainbow...is there, haunting me to oblivion.

I cannot fathom that the things I've heard are true. I cannot imagine the person beside me as someone responsible for the bad stories relayed to me by wagging tongues. I cannot accept that the wonderful thing I've been hoping for is the worst side of wrong, as someone pointed to me. This can't be. Because in my reality, everything wonderful is worth all the tears and fears one may feel.

All the pleasure is worth all the pain...This is my gift, and this is my curse.

Change of Heart

A lot of people was surprised when I publicly claimed that I'm leaving the company I'm in right now. I know that a lot of people have been trying to get in. And several more would kill for my position (not that it's something to be envied but because I'm off the floor!). As a matter of fact, several of my batch one friends already xpressed their intent of going back, after trying other centers around. Their main reason, proximity ~heehee!

I have several options already. Every single one promising. of course I'm still uneasy with the thought that I'd have to start over again. That I'd have to get comfy in another location with a different set of people to work with. That I have to learn another account after being so "confident" with the one I'm handling now. A new set of superiors and a new set of agents. It's scary believe me. But there comes a time when you're no longer happy with what you're seeing that even when you're not directly affected by it, you just want to throw in the towels and cry "i quit!"

I'm near that point now. Don't get me wrong. I haven't tendered my resignation. But as I've said, I'm checking my options.

I'm Leaving

I'm leaving...Soon.

I can't bear to see what's happening to the company I thought I'll eventually learn to love and respect. I can't bear to see how my agents are failing in their unified battle. I can't wait until the time when all of my friends are gone.

I'm almost decided. I think I'm leaving soon.

Online Friends

I made a lot of friends the past year alone. What's more aliw is that after David, the first friend I made over the net 3 years ago, I made several new ones. Nope I haven't met them personally. And no, I'm not sure that they're who they tell me they are, but I still consider them my friends. Hi to the peyups people, Germs and Aian. Hello to Glenda and to Bjorn!

Fairy Wish

My cousin JB said one thing last night that caught my attention and somehow opened a series of almost fogotten memories.

"For a moment there bumalik tayo sa pagkabata..."

Funny thing is, we're all young. Me being the oldest is still relatively "bata" in age. I don't even think I'm at my prime years...yet. Then why do we all feel old? Life has a way of making people age faster I guess.

Our talk over dinner, after wasting all our cash on arcade games (yebah! Daytona and air hockey rules!), went around family matters. Turns out the feud is still ongoing. I thought everyone's over it by now and are just trying to lead separate lives to prevent any further confrontations. I was way wrong. The battle is still raging and I'm saddened with what happened to the family I once loved.

I now know the name of my youngest cousin. Russell Joey. Too bad he's his father's namesake. I just hope he turns into a fine little boy. Not like his biatch ate and his tv ogling kuya. I wish to meet him soon. If he wants to know where the rest of his family is, I'm willing to take him around. But I don't see that happening anytime soon.

At the end of the night though, when I was lying in my bed, trying hard not to remember the past, I was able to conjure some wondeful images in my head that brought me quietly to sleep.

For a night there, it seems some fairy wish came true. I lived a night where family was my world. This time though with extra perks...money can do wonders! Haha! Now, I'm back to being a working class pauper, with no one around to laugh with. I think I'm gonna take a walk alone in the mall..*sigh*

Words Have A Way

I don't know why I'm frightened
I know my way around here

In a few days the friends I made here would be leaving. They would start over in a new place, with a new life so to speak. And I'll be left here. I've been long thinking of transferring to another company. Any company who would have me. I know I have several options. Better options. But I am way scared of leaving the comforts of the family who welcomed me here. I can't seem to find the courage to move out and seek another corner in the world I've known.

The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways
The armosphere as thrilling here as always

I've been hearing a lot of talks and made up stories about me lately. Nothing really bothered me though. Until I heared something true. Truth hurts for some reason. A new friend just pointed to me the obvious. That I'm stupidly hounding a mirage made of nothing more than my own imagination. It's killing me.

Feel the early morning madness
Feel the magic in the making
Why everything's as if we never said goodbye

Another night that changed to morning. Another morning that almost turned to forever waiting. In the end though, that few minutes spent in my magical reverie made the hours of waiting well worth it. I still can't explain why I turn into a stupid ogre who can't muster the single word "goodbye" when I'm bewitched by that all too familiar embrace.

I'm coming out of make-up
The lights already burning
Not long until the cameras will start turning

A lot of people I know is watching me closely. I can feel they can't wait to see where I'm headed at. Some may be staying out of concern, but I know the others are there to prey on me. I'm gullible and reckless at times. I'm putting up a great show right now. Whether you feel it or not. A show that even I can't predict. That's the point of it all, I guess. The spontaneity will make it work in the end.

And this time we'll be bigger,
And brighter than we knew it
So watch me fly we all know I can do it.

I gained control over my life with the help of money. The job that I've always hated is the only thing that keeps me free, it's the only reason why I'm able to see and explore the rest of the world that has been left unseen. I'm never guaranteed that I'd find a good sight. But I'd rather experience the absolute abandonment I am enjoying right now than to be bound again. The world is a stage. I am it's actor. And I would play it hard, with the help of the freedom I'm paying for dearly.

The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways

So much to say not just today but always

I just want to write. Don't judge me for what I put in here. Don't think you know me just because you read my everyday deal. This is not me. It's a mere reflection of the complex image I am pursuing to see. I appreciate anyone though who reads this. You might find me amusing, just something you could read while you're bored to death. Or maybe you just feel that one day I'll grow tired of writing about the events in my so-so life and you can't wait to predict when the last entry would come. I have no excuse if you hate what I write. And no, I have no qualms if you think I shouldn't do this. As I've said before though, this is my blog, and I'll write whatever I want to write, whenever I feel like writing and talk about anything I want to talk about. All in all, YOU are the one reading, you have your own set of choices. Why not close the window and forget you ever knew this page ever existed. Or tell me what you think. Cause I'm sure, you too have a lot to say. Thanks for keeping Hanne company.

Kiss Me Goodbye

I kept on telling myself that no matter what, I'll always have the friends I have. That time and space can't separate us for as long as we want to hold on.

After the AT&T account closed at the start of this year, I thought I'm done with saying goodbyes. Now, I am kissing my friends farewell once more. I know, they'll always be there, just a call away. But it'll never be the same. It'll never be the same when I can no longer find Rose in the restroom spritzing her perfume lavishly. It'll never be the same when I can no longer see E walking around the production floor with a smile. It'll never be the same without the old familiar faces that's been part of my every working hour for the past 18 months. Life here just isn't the same.

It's sad just how disposable people became. In a country like ours where cheap and educated workforce is abundant, companies have a tendency to shun their people away as if replacing the used up toner in their printers. The saddest part of it all is that they're letting go of the people who stayed with them at the most trying of times. They are removing people who've been with the company longest and who have proven their worth early on. A new client may bring in money, but they forgot that the agents are the ones who kept the money coming all those times the morale was down. Too bad, I think they're making a mistake. A big one.

I'm gonna kiss them goodbye. Hoping that they find another place where they walk along the floor and someone would sweetly smile at them, thanking them for all the good things they've done.

Our Little Boy

This is the little guy I was telling you about...that cute little thing that would catch my attention once in a while...my future son-in-law. Hahaha! Playing matchmaker...

Can't You Be More Obvious?

Can't you be more obvious?

I know just how you would hide everytime you hear me approaching. I know how you would pretend you're doing something everytime I'm around. I know how you would make excuses just to be able to get me off of your tracks. I know everything you're doing...and just like you said, you can MAKE everything HARDER.

Can't you be more obvious?

Let's Play Pretend

Let's play pretend, you and I. Come hold my hand and let me take you to a world I can create for you. Come, let's play pretend just for one night, let me hold your hand so I can show you a world of my own wishful creation.

In there you can forget about every worry you have. I would make sure that only good things would come your way. In there you would truly be the ruler you've always wanted to be. Remember when you once told me that you're here to rule the world? Yes, I'll make this world your world, a place where you can reign and conquer. Didn't you tell me you want that? I'll make it happen. Come let's play pretend.

In there you can be you. Just you, no need to impress anyone, no need to hide behind your masks and no need to play the lead so convincingly that the actor becomes you. In there you can let your guards down because I'm there to adore and worship every single wonderful thing about you. Remember when you told me you just want to be you? Yes, I'll make this world a private world, a place where you can be you in it's bare entirety. Didn't you tell me you want that? I'll make it happen. Come let's play pretend.

In there you can finally have that someone you've always dreamt of. That person who'll accept and love you for all you are. In there you can live the life you've always wanted, where you'll always have someone to go home to, someone to hold and someone to talk to. Remember you told me you just want someone you can call your own? Yes, I'll make a world where you can find the one you love in your arms everyday, a person you can call yours. Didn't you tell me you want that? I'll make it happen. Come let's play pretend.

Let's play pretend, just for tonight, let me be the one you call yours in that world where you can rule and be you. Let's play pretend, just for tonight, hold me tight and let's conquer this world and be the rulers of our destiny. Let's pray pretend, maybe after the game you will see that I am real and that I've always been yours. Yes, I made up this game, just so that for one night I can call you mine in a world where I can rule and just be me in it's bare entirety.