Fridays To Saturdays

If you'll ask me what my favorite days are, it'll be Fridays and Saturdays.

Yesterday, I was my usual taray self. Hey, try working for 3 days straight alone and it'll get to you. Somehow. My nerves were pulled so tight I thought I'm gonna die if let out a tiny laugh. The day went by just like any other day, the only thing different was that I had too much fun. I sent my agents home. Most of them anyway. And I asked them to wait for me so we can all go out. Dozens of agents home, several more hours of work and two guys named Paolo and two other who left me (how dare you Jun and Nolan)...I got myself a mini-gimik session. We just ate at Mr. Kabab. Then headed back at MIP since Chris was able to get himself off early.

Too bad though I had to leave 'em early...Chris, I owe you talaga pare...Next week, we'll go out!

My UP-AF friends then picked me up and we headed back to Mr. Kabab (yeah, I'm back!), where we tried our very best to hold a civilized conversation. Naman kase, ano pinainom niyo kay Randell?! And talked about girls and their thongs. Yeah, just so you know, since all of 'em knew na naman, I was wearing one. Ugh!

After that, the rest went with Keboy, and me, Mak and Noel headed somewhere else. We wanted to hang out more but Mak's gotta bring his car home, it was already choking itself to death I think. Hope it's fine now though, I would've hated to see it die. Heehee!

I went back to the office where, as always, everyone is asking me why the hell I'm still there! I just love my agents, they are so concerned...Nah! Hehehe!

I chatted the rest of the early morning away with Ms. Carme, Darlynn, Art and Patrick. Oh by the way, as always, Patrick said he'll come see me. That NEVER happened again. Too bad...I really wanted to see him after two weeks. Shit, it's been that long already. But hey, I'm not the demanding person that I used to be. I'm cool if he can't make it. I'm cool if he doesn't have time. I'm cool being single. Yeah! Single-ness rules!

Sabi ko nga kay Ms. Carme...When someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, that's the only time I remember I was EVER in a relationship. Other times, I feel like a seventeen year old girl just out of high school and discovering the beauty of being surrounded by her lovely friends, adoring men and lotsa fun! Yeah, I'm happy...Sleepy, yet very much happy today...

And I'll be meeting up with Darlynn and Rose for meryenda in an hour. And I'll be having dinner with my college friends. I just love Fridays and Saturdays!

Tag!

What happened to my tagboard? I know this happens usually but just for a day or two and then it'll come back to life...Why is it still not loading? Do I have to get a new one already?

Kiss Me?

Here's a poem I read from Risha's blog. I dunno why but I started smiling like crazy when I read it. Maybe because I've long imagined that really happening to me. I am yet to experience that kiss though...Basta Risha, aliw siya...

ALL BECAUSE YOU KISSED ME GOODNIGHT

I Said My Pajamas and Put on My Prayers
I climbed up the door, and opened the stairs;
I said my pajamas and put on my pray'rs,
I turned off the bed and crawled into the light
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

Next morning I woke and scrambled my shoes;
I shined up an egg, then I toasted the news;
I buttered my tie, and took another bite;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

By evening I felt normal, so we went out again
You said "Goodnight," and kissed me,
I hurried home and then, I climbed up the door,
and opened up the stairs;
I said my pajamas and put on my pray'rs;
I turned off the bed, and crawled into the light
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

I powdered my hair, and pinned up my nose;
I hung up the bath, and I turned on my clothes;
I put out the clock, and wound the cat up tight;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

I ran up the shade and pulled down the stair;
I curled up the rug, and I vacuumed my hair;
I just couldn't tell my left foot from my right;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

By evening I felt normal, so we went out again
You said, "Goodnight," and kissed me,
I hurried home and then,
I lifted the preacher and called up the phone;
I spoke to the dog, and I threw your Ma a bone;
'Twas midnight, and yet the sun was shining bright,
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

My Partner is Absent

Most of my days are spent with this guy beside me...Sayang, there's a possiblity that the RTA's schedules would be re-shuffled, I might not be his partner anymore...

Wandering Soul

I caught myself staring at thin air several times today. Actually, even my partner noticed it. For someone who's observant and always on top of everything, I was one poor performer today. I just can't concentrate. Nothing can keep my head focused on anything.

Also, I seem to be off most of the day. It's like I'm just not in the mood to talk to anyone, to be with anyone, to work and/or play. I just want to sit there and stare at nothing. Which is very, very alarming. My mouth was suddenly unmoving, and my mind was almost stagnant. I dunno what happened but I felt tired. More than tired, actually.

Then, my partner BJ, seems to be as tired as I am the whole day. We are just one sad bunch together. We aren't laughing the way we used to. We aren't makulet the way we usually are. We're not having fun anymore.

Also, Patrick hasn't been himself for the past few days. I couldn't get to him and that's why I feel left out. I told him that I feel he's kinda withdrawn lately...He admits it and that he's blaming his job...What else to blame right? Then why can't he take some time off?! Really, if he's so damn tired of it all...why push himself to work even on weekends? Ugh! I can't put any sense into that head of his...

And as always, my boss is such a character...Well, turns out he forgot that we, the RTAs, should be confirmed for our positions about two weeks ago after rendering our 90 day pacesetter status. He worked us dry for 90 days and he forgot?! Yeah, the things that we have to up with every single day...

Then last March 1st I checked my ATM balance and found out that I still have enough money to spend. So I withdrew half of it, thinking that the other half I can use this week. Loa dn behold, last Sunday, my balance was at P-4.32! I owe the bank!? How can that be? And so I thought I got debited when I tried several times last March 1st to withdraw on several different ATMs on our way to Tagaytay. I imeediately reported it just to elarn that I really don't have money because the bank was not able to deduct the amount that I withdrew alst February 26th real time. Thus when I checked last March 1st, it shows that I have more money than I actually have...Stupid bank!

Now, I'm down to being the poor me. I have to borrow money from my grandma just to that I can afford to go to work still, which by the way is almost gone as well...I hate this...I used to love money...Why do I hate it so much these days I was able to throw my entire pay in a week? Bad numbers...

Which Raindrop To Catch?

Here is an article I stumbled upon from peyups.com.

Makes me wonder, how would I ever know when the right raindrop is safely cupped on my palm? So many drops to choose from, very few would pass in front of my eyes, most would be left unseen and many would just be a blur lost in my memory…Then how, perchance, would I know if I have the right raindrop cupped safely at the palm of my hand? I guess, that’s why I believed him when he told me that there are a lot of possibilities and endless opportunities for us, singularly and as partners. You’ll never really know unless he tells you in that one particularly fleeting second that he belongs there cupped safely at the palm of your being.

Under the Same Rain

by tukneneng

http://www.peyups.com/

You're back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, and there is one you are dying to find, but how? For each one is a possibility, a chance dividing infinitely in all directions every second.

Running barefoot, it doesn't matter, nobody can see you. Cry, only to find out it won't matter, either, the rain will drown your tears anyway. Release your pain in one solid cry and it won't matter still, the wind will only eat up your screams. Run barefoot and it won't matter at all, your soul is on its knees.

Run for cover and light a cigarette, now that's refuge. You can rest for a few minutes before you start running alone again.

But I have been here all these times.

This shouldn't have been your life, if only you allowed me to hold you one last time.

To each one a name, each one a possibility, another chance, but you cannot see that, never. For I have been always a few steps behind, following, dying with you every step of the way. If only you'd look back.

******

I'm back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, but your name I can't seem to find. How could I? You are just a name, a face, a single drop among all others, and the possibility divides infinitely in every direction, every second.

I run barefoot, but it doesn't matter, for nobody can see me. I cry only to find out I cry alone, and it won't matter if the sky will cry with me; it can only cry this much, never enough to comfort me. I shout in pain and it won't matter even, because I can't hear myself as the wind carries away my voice almost instantly. And the cold it brings I can't even feel, for I am colder inside. I run alone, because there is no reason to stay in one place. It is raining.

But... have you been there all these times?

This shouldn't have been my life, chasing raindrops forever, if only you tried to hold on to me tighter, even for that one last time...

Chasing raindrops, to each a name, a chance, so elusive I can never find it. I can never see you. I am as blind as my heart, and being blind I can only face forward, forever forward, no sense looking back. Have you always been a few steps behind, following? I cannot know it, never. If only you'd reach for me and call my name.

******

They used to be so fascinated with rain. This used to be the music of their dance as they trot along hand in hand, going wild when nobody was looking. Now the music has died, but the rain is still there, black and as thick as oil, but they still dance, one following the other every time. They are tired of playing this game, but they can never stop. This is their life. And in their world, it rains everyday.

Hitch

I went out with Randell and Janrey yesterday to watch Hitch. After the moolah insufficiency that we first encountered, we headed to Ortigas to watch Hitch. Not that we intended to watch that, we just couldn't think of any movie that we'd all agree to watch. So we decided to watch it instead of Constantine (which Randell hates) and Million Dollar Baby (which Janrey and I wouldn't want to see).

But before we entered the cinema, we have to eat dinner right? Well, we don't have money with us and so we ate at Dunkin Donuts, I haven't eaten there in such a long time. I would've enjoyed our stay there only if Randell didn't spill his drink all over the place.

The movie was fine. Not so great but I enjoyed it. What I enjoyed more is the company I guess. I've been trying hard these past few months to get into the old circulation, so to speak, and with these two guys around, I don't even have to try. They're just willing to spend time with me and be just like the way we were before. As if I've always been around.

Next week, we're planning to see another movie. I hope this time aroundmore people would join in.

Losing You

A recent post from my friend prompted me to think more about you and the friendship that we used to share. I accept the fact that it was entirely my fault that you felt obliged to move on and develop new and more meaningful type of friendships with other people who are surrounding you. But please understand that the events was never under my control and thus, I just have to make a move that never did us any good. I am desperately trying to reach out to you once again since time can allow me now. The money, the sleep, the time, are no longer important as long as I can spend a few more precious moments with you. I am deeply hurt everytime I realize that I am no longer part of your life in its entirety. Yes, I feel left out, but I am still hoping that time can rebuild what time has almost erased. And just so you know, I am glad that you found new friends who took care of you while I was not around. Please thank them for me.

Hormonally Sensitized

Why is it that my hormones always gets the best of me? I try every single month to get it off my nerves but here it is again. And mind you, the emotional strain it brings me is way draining.

I want to cry. I want to shop. I want to splurge. I want to argue. I want to run around. I want to sit still. I want to be quiet. I want to hit the dance floor. I want to be me and be another person all at once. Am I turning into a schizo? Oh my...

Happy Accidents

Funny how life decides to redeem itself sometimes. You'll catch yourself in the most uncompromising situation then it would surprise you with most wonderful outcome. Well, I am referring to those rare moments when "happy accidents" happen.

Happy accidents, as I would like to see it are events that we never really wanted to happen but somehow, due to some celestial plan that made it occur without haste, turned out really well. I had a lot of happy accidents in my life, I guess, and that's why I am starting to appreciate the drama and the excitement of living the singularly unknown life that I have right now.

Take for example yesterday, I was so bummed out because of a very bad headache, sleeplessness, extra work, reports, and not being able to do my thing real-time (hey! I'm a real time analyst for heaven's sake!) I was able to wrap everything up at around 2:30 AM already when I was supposed to be home already, tightly bundled in my bed.

But life turned this really bad "event" into a surprise party for me. I got to see and talk to all the people that matters in my life here at RMH. Well, maybe not all of them, but most of them anyway. And I just love the euphoria of being able to do so. People, especially my agents, would ask me why I'm still roaming around the floor so early in the day...I would just happily smile at them. Who could explain my feelings? No One...Because it's a MY happy accident.

Also, I told Darlynn that I'm happier now than when I was still in a relationship. I think she can see it.I mean, everyone says it's so obvious. Just now, two of my old AT&T colleagues complimented me and had asked why it would seem that my "market value" is fast rising...I do not know?! All I can say is "Effortless!"

Happy accidents are wonderful instances that makes life more fun. It turns almost every other bad thing into a surprisingly wonderful experience...Well, to those who are lucky enough, like me, to experience their own Happy Accidents that is. I wish everyone can have 'em...I wish...

3 A.M.

It's almost 3 A.M. Manila time. I was supposed to be heading home about 4 hours ago...Then why am I still here you ask? Because of work...Well, I finished everything I gotta finish about 30 minutes ago, but I thought, what the heck! I already waited here this long, might as well enjoy the rest of what's left of my day...

And so I had dinner with Art at the pantry. I chatted with Huggy, Patrick and Germs for hours, I went out to HotShots with Ms. Carme and Raymond, I chatted with Gilbert whenever he doesn't have a call, I'm waiting for Darlynn to take her lunch so we can chat as well and I'll be hangin' out with Patrick after that.

I might be home late, I might not catch enough sleep, I might be wasted later today but at least I could say that I was able to enjoy the night. Just the way I enjoyed Monday night (or Tuesday early morning, whatever you would prefer)...I looked like shit after, but I had one helluva of a time...

So tomorrow, if you see me with my shades on, please don't ask why. And if you see me dozing off, lemme, just a few minutes would do me wonders after tonight.

What's the point in living after all if you don't feel alive...This is MY LIFE no...And I feel more than alive.

Being Optimistic

I am hopelessly trying to paste a fake but passable smile on my face today.

I tried hard to enjoy the almost soothing bath I took when I woke up. I tried to taste the meal I slowly chewed this morning. I tried my best to at least "look" cheerful. And now, wearing my bright pink top and striped white pants, I feel like a clown.

I'm just way drained. Emotionally and physically. I need a break. A long one.

I still think of last night. I am yet to see what happened to my friend. And I am hoping that somehow today I'll get something out of Patrick.

Here I am, trying hard to be optimistic once again.

Sob Day

Today is a bad day for me…

Aside from not having enough sleep last night because I would suddenly find myself awake and any kind of tossing and turning couldn’t bring me back to sleep, I woke up with a very bad headache and all the other aches that girls feel when they’re PMS-ing.

And that was not the end of it. Work, that 9 hour stretch that seems like eternity, is horrible. No, it’s not one of those toxic days wherein I don’t even have enough time to take a deep breath. No, it’s not one of those crazy days where everything is down and not working. No, I’m not alone during my shift. And no, we we’re never queuing.

It was just one of those days where everyone seems to be disregarding that in order for us, the RTAs to do our job well, we have to be informed of certain events that affects our agents and their time. It’s so easy to send a sentence over email saying that effective today we’re going to observe this plan. Or something to that effect…But no…We never received anything. And so they panicked when things aren’t going as they wanted it to. They started to call the decisions that they know nothing about and there you go…the numbers went haywire and the calls started to queue aimlessly. Well, I’m kinda exaggerating a bit, forgive my dramatics. Then again, how hard is it to send one d*mn email? Also, how would you feel if the people around you started doing several curiously never-heard of procedure without you knowing why, wouldn’t you flip out as well? I did.

Then, when I finally got home, hoping that the comforts and the coziness of my home would help me rid all the inis I’ve been harboring for the past few hours I suddenly received a text message from a friend who seems to be in a very foul situation as well. I tried to coax him into telling me the matter but he never did. I guess, he needed the space….And space I gave him.

I went online afterwards, hoping to continue my chat with a my favorite busy stranger. I thought we’ll be able to talk about the usual things that just makes me think and/or smile. But he greeted me differently.

Here’s a part of our conversation:

patrick (12:13:23 AM): yes. i wanna resign...
hanne (12:13:35 AM): what? why?
patrick (12:14:13 AM): because maybe I'm not for Epixtar.
hanne (12:14:44 AM): what made you think that?
patrick (12:15:29 AM): nothing...it's just suddenly occurred to me that I don't wanna be a leader anymore...
patrick (12:15:43 AM): maybe I'm not meant to lead...
hanne (12:15:47 AM): hmmm...and you'd wanna be...???
patrick (12:16:42 AM): me.
hanne (12:17:11 AM): what's happening? why? you'll always be you baby...
patrick (12:18:04 AM): maybe i'm lying to myself when i try to think that i'm meant to lead others to greatness.
patrick (12:18:33 AM): or maybe i'm just supposed to be another person who follows rather than leads....
hanne (12:18:38 AM): you think so? i don't.
patrick (12:18:44 AM): maybe i should resign tomorrow...
patrick (12:18:55 AM): anyway, take care.
hanne (12:18:58 AM): what happened?
patrick (12:19:00 AM): goodnight. mwah.


It kills me to think that someone who’s as confident and as able as him would ever think that he’s not capable of leading people into greatness. If you’ll ask, I would honestly say that that guy was born to lead and that he is more than able to do it. I’ve never seen anyone who has more passion or who is more driven than him. What saddens me more is that I couldn’t reach him. Maybe, just like my friend, he needed his space. I tried calling him but he dropped it several times. I then decided to just send him a simple message. I just thought that maybe, just maybe, he can at least feel my sincerity.

Messages:

To Patrick: If you don’t wanna talk, fine. I just thought that maybe you needed someone, anyone, right now. Anyway, goodnight.

To Hanne: I appreciate the effort…I really do…but this is something I need to do on my own. Thanks.

Makes Hanne want to bawl out and cry. All I wanted to do was go about with my day as any other day. Look at what life decided to throw at my face all of a sudden. I like surprises, but not one after the other. Physical pain, I can take on anytime, with or without medicine. Work and stress, I’m so used to that I can will myself not to be affected after the initial realization of being bummed out. But what I can’t handle is not being able to be there when the people I care for needed someone. They don’t need to talk, they don’t need to tell me anything, and they don’t need to explain their situations. I just want to hold them. Even for just a minute. That would have been enough assurance for me…That I was able to do something for them.

Yeah, right now, all I want is to do hold him. Just for a minute.

The End of Pseudo-ness

The past few months I've acquired several pseudo-boyfriends who are more than willing to spare their time and exert a few more kilojoules of effort than necessary to please the sweet and curiously single Hanne. Aww...I'm so touched.

I would like to thank MIkey and Janrey for being my pseudo boyfriends whenever I'm at the thesis house of one of the arki gimiks. Hey, it's not an easy task to look for a girl's restroom while the rest of the guys are checking out shoes at Nike Stadium or having to pick me up or bring me to somewhere safe whenever we go out. I would also like to thank Huggy, Pao and BJ. Huggy for making sure that Hanne is always a happy-bear, Pao for listening to Hanne gush about the idiotic crushes she has and BJ for lending his shoulders whenever Hanne needs a good cry.

I may still be in need once in a while of the comforts that all of you have provided. Grabe, and babait ninyo...Kaya super thanks talaga...

About my OTHER almost serious pseudo-boyfriend, lemme say that the psuedo-ness is about to end. No, hindi pa kami Art...At bakit mo naman naisip na ganun? Remember what I said, I'm not ready just yet...But, slowly things between us are taking a particularly interesting form that I'm finding myself smiling a lot these past few days.

Sometimes, I am almost hoping that all these pseudo-ness would end. Then again...

I Knew It

I knew it, this week is something else. Well, not that it's almost over now, but it started real well...Aside from being overly optimistic and being able to hear some things from Patick that I've been waiting to hear and validate for so long now. (Well, it didn't come out as I wanted it to, but it still has the same meaning and essence.) I was also able to spend a very fun night out with my old friends.

Then last night, I enjoyed myself immensely in the midst of my friends. How I missed them...I missed being the old silly happy bunch that we are. I missed being uber spontaneous and just living for the moment. No 2 weeks notice, no pre-advised leaves, no paperworks to fill out before you can actually take some time off. I missed my college days. I'm glad though I was able to come. I was almost left behind due to some transportation restraints. Good thing Janrey was able to convince Randell to tag me along.

I just hope there's more to come. I hope that my week would continue its happy-streak one day after another day...