Done

I wrote this yesterday. And yesterday was a lot different.

Slowly I'm sinking. I guess, I haven't really felt anything until lately. You go through denial first, then you feel anger. I'm at the anger stage me thinks. When all I can think of is how much I want his balls to literally fall off.

Number 1 just called me to tell me someone told her that he just brought home number 3 last night. Went off and was back after 45 minutes with another girl. Number 1 thought it was me. I said I'm NOT gonna see that moron again! The nerves. I told number 1 I was out with friends and went ahead to see a movie with Hernan and Tim. Lo and behold, of all the people in the entire metro I get to see his cousin on queue at the same line we're in. And how can I forget that someone in the movie kept on shouting his name over and over again. I wanted to jump every single time Anne Hathaway or the other assistant would say it out loud on the big screen. For me, it's just horrible to be reminded when all I want is to forget.

I know also that I'm being a bitch lately. Please, please forgive me. i'm not even asking any of the people I deal with to understand because not everyone's as stupid as I am apparently, but please don't take any of these personally. I'm hoping I'd be out of the rut in a few more days.

September 3, 2006
4:04 PM

I was only able to tell four people what really happened last Thursday and what's been happening after that afternoon. You could say I'm much more afraid of what people would say if they know the entire story of my stupidity. It's enough I guess that I can't seem to forgive myself for being foolish.

I did what I think was right at that moment. But as I'd always say, what you think is right may not always be the best and vice versa. I've been had and that's that. I felt bad, I was so close to being able to prevent such thing from happening, but the heavens have other ideas. Everything was a month late. I was alerady halfway through my death when I found out that I've been stabbed at all. And as much as I want to blame myself, I can't since I was not alone.

One thing I couldn't believe up to now is how someone as normal as him could be so evil and demented. Never in my life did I imagine I'd meet someone who's psychologically distressed in anyway. I thought I was the worst mentally ill person I know of. Apparently I was wrong. Someone's more insane than me and what a huge difference we have. My mind is filled with fairies and unicorns compared to what he has inside of him.

The worse part of being through this entire thing is that I am now, more than ever, afraid of trusting anyone again. I don't even want to be with anyone at the moment in fear that they too are capable of consciously hurting me. It seems I couldn't trust my intuition anymore. My feelings are so numb and my mind so confused I no longer know when to believe someone and when not to. Everyone all of a sudden turned into an enemy. I hope I'd get over this soon. I don't want to be paranoid. People deserve better. My friends deserve better.

I still have one unfinished business with him. I'm still waiting, hoping that I don't even need to go through that. I cannot imagine how miserable things would be if I have to be constantly reminded of how he singlehandedly ruined me....with my consent. i don't know how I'd ever get through that!