Dialogue

If I can ask you one question, I'd have a very difficult time. In wanting to know one special secret I would just be torn into two. One wanting to know where my place is in this web of souls that you've so finely created and the other wanting to be oblivious and be able to experience life as it should be experienced.

I found myself thinking unfair thoughts. Unfair because I have been wanting to ask you for a solid assurance. I wanted to give you a pen and have you sign a paper which states that you would guarantee my happiness. That as long as I go through all the things that you've decided to send my way, you'd give me THAT happiness that I've been wanting. How unfair can I get? You tell me. In this life, and I've learned this from the very beginning, there's just no guarantee. For anything, even for my happiness, especially for my happiness.

Countless a times I have been privy to things that I should not know. And it broke my heart to know that it's so near yet still unattainable. I can almost feel it but not quite. Now, I know why I am not to know.

Understanding though does not and would never translate to feeling it as well. I know what I gotta do, but I my heart lies somewhere else. That somewhere else tells me that I should do something which is againts the tides that you've set me down on. I sometimes ask, if you made me a promise of peace and eternal happiness as long as I follow your lead, but told me that I am in command of my life, will I be the good follower that you want me to be or the rascal sailor who answers to no one?

Free will is a double edge sword that you gave me. Now I am torn and now I am lost. Like a person drowning I feel like two different beings. The body just wanting to give up and willing the current to pull it as it may want to and the soul willing the body to fight and forbid the sea from claiming him entirely. However strong may be though, the body's got its own limitations, subject to the laws of this world, and so do I.

I am back to where I started. I still want to ask for the assurance and yet I still want to experience everything as it should be. I am still the sailor who follows his captain and the rascal who wishes to sail for himself. I am still the drowning man who chokes on his own tears more than he chokes from the saltwater. I am me, a stranger and friend.

Maybe the question I should ask you should simply be, who do you want me to be?