I Need To Blog

I received a notification through email that they'd close my blogcity account if I don't blog. Yun lang pala e. Madali lang yan! Let's Blog!

Hmmm...

When someone tells you that she would stick around this time unlike before you'd believe that, of course, what's the point of not believing right? When you ask someone what's happening with their life and who this person is and they tell you they wanna keep it secret, you stop asking questions, what's the point in pushing the other person right? When it was my turn to suddenly shut up and by sheer chance happened to coincide with certain particular events that involves another person then everything gets screwed up. Hmm...

And yes I agree, people see what they want to see. I knew I screwed up, and that's why I apologized immediately, though some might not think offline messages count as anything anymore. I get that too. And maybe apologies should have more considerable input other than "I'm going through shit" like the way I did. Heck, I was going through shit and I'm not in command of my senses. Call that my excuse but believe me it's hard to put up any sentence when you're depressed. And maybe short messages like that can be read and interpreted in so many ways. SO I guess short messages like these don't hold any water as well: "I know that I've apologized before that I wasn't able to be with you through those 'problematic' days but I promise that I'll be there when the rainy days set in again. Although hopefully, sana lagi na lang happy." since my short pseudo explanation slash late apology over chat did not stay afloat.

I said I can stand losing people...but I didn't want to. Seems like not everyone feels the same. Oo nga naman, why should people be like me? Ang loser ko nga pala.

Someone told me negativity won't help any of us. Then why do we all gravitate towards it? I do. It's easier to hate someone and be mad and even apathetic than be sympathetic an forgiving. Maybe this time he's wrong.

Catching Up

I hate playing catch up with anything. I want to be always ahead. Well, that's just impossible I think. Right now, I'm just trying hard to catch up with my work. It's already 5AM and I should've been done an hour ago. Sheesh~ Me hates this.

Human Relations

I'm just way tired of having to interpret other people. In as much as I would like to say, "to hell with you!" and "I don't care what you think!" I do care and I don't want to just brush people off like they are not important. I know I could live without certain people. Heck, I was able to do it. Of course though, just like everything human, I want to conenct and reconnect. But really, it's tiring. Putting up with everyone's mood swings and whatnot are just darn tiring.

I have my own set of mood swings and indifinite changes in mental sanity...only difference is I tell people. It might not help much really, but my point is, at least I'm telling you to not talk to me or to back off before anything bad happens between us because I really can't control myself at the moment. It works most of the time, especially here at work.

Recently, I've been conducting interviews again for the new posts within the team. I used to really enjoy that, being able to talk to the agents and have them tell me what they think and me being able to explain to them some obscure facts that got filtered down and was left unexplained. Now though, the entire thing seems to be getting old. Maybe because I know they could hire anyone and it really won't me personally given that I'd still be alone in my one man department. Second, knowing that the person we'd hire might just end up all disappointed...just like us.

Then there's myself. I don't know how to pick myself up lately. Am losing hope. Me? Lose hope? I never thought it was possible. I guess, I know now.

Now I'm blabbing. Long story short, I hate it when people act up for no reason. And if you do have one, tell the other person involved will you, we we're not made to read minds and know excatly how you're feeling. If you don't want to then let go and move on, negativity just won't do you any good.

Well, that's my take on it. And that's what I've been trying to do.

On the other side of my world...he's still alive. I want him dead! Hahaha~ Well, with all honesty, I'm okay with it. He could live for 5,000 years as Cecile would say and I really don't care. I'm in the process of erasing him from my life. Good thing nobody really knows him, it saves me a lot of explaining. Sorry friends, but some things are meant to be kept. Also, I wanna be able to forgive him as soon as possible. I want my conscience to be clean. No negativity as much as possible.

Ice Queen

So I guess I'm back. As a friend said, the "bitch queen" should be back. I said, am no bitch. I'd rather be the Ice Queen. Unfeeling. Frozen. Unmoved.

***Or maybe I'm just kiddin myself. Ugh~

Done

I wrote this yesterday. And yesterday was a lot different.

Slowly I'm sinking. I guess, I haven't really felt anything until lately. You go through denial first, then you feel anger. I'm at the anger stage me thinks. When all I can think of is how much I want his balls to literally fall off.

Number 1 just called me to tell me someone told her that he just brought home number 3 last night. Went off and was back after 45 minutes with another girl. Number 1 thought it was me. I said I'm NOT gonna see that moron again! The nerves. I told number 1 I was out with friends and went ahead to see a movie with Hernan and Tim. Lo and behold, of all the people in the entire metro I get to see his cousin on queue at the same line we're in. And how can I forget that someone in the movie kept on shouting his name over and over again. I wanted to jump every single time Anne Hathaway or the other assistant would say it out loud on the big screen. For me, it's just horrible to be reminded when all I want is to forget.

I know also that I'm being a bitch lately. Please, please forgive me. i'm not even asking any of the people I deal with to understand because not everyone's as stupid as I am apparently, but please don't take any of these personally. I'm hoping I'd be out of the rut in a few more days.

September 3, 2006
4:04 PM

I was only able to tell four people what really happened last Thursday and what's been happening after that afternoon. You could say I'm much more afraid of what people would say if they know the entire story of my stupidity. It's enough I guess that I can't seem to forgive myself for being foolish.

I did what I think was right at that moment. But as I'd always say, what you think is right may not always be the best and vice versa. I've been had and that's that. I felt bad, I was so close to being able to prevent such thing from happening, but the heavens have other ideas. Everything was a month late. I was alerady halfway through my death when I found out that I've been stabbed at all. And as much as I want to blame myself, I can't since I was not alone.

One thing I couldn't believe up to now is how someone as normal as him could be so evil and demented. Never in my life did I imagine I'd meet someone who's psychologically distressed in anyway. I thought I was the worst mentally ill person I know of. Apparently I was wrong. Someone's more insane than me and what a huge difference we have. My mind is filled with fairies and unicorns compared to what he has inside of him.

The worse part of being through this entire thing is that I am now, more than ever, afraid of trusting anyone again. I don't even want to be with anyone at the moment in fear that they too are capable of consciously hurting me. It seems I couldn't trust my intuition anymore. My feelings are so numb and my mind so confused I no longer know when to believe someone and when not to. Everyone all of a sudden turned into an enemy. I hope I'd get over this soon. I don't want to be paranoid. People deserve better. My friends deserve better.

I still have one unfinished business with him. I'm still waiting, hoping that I don't even need to go through that. I cannot imagine how miserable things would be if I have to be constantly reminded of how he singlehandedly ruined me....with my consent. i don't know how I'd ever get through that!

In Retreat

I'm sorry everyone. I'd be retreating for now. I need to head back to my happy place...alone. Don't take it personally if I'm not around physically, mentally or emotionally for the next few days. I'm just fixing myself from the inside.

A Series Of Unbelievable Events

When your phone rings you don't expect another person to start interrogating you about the man you're seeing. When your phone rings you don't stay on for three hours talking to a stranger you've never met before. When you answer your phone, you don't expect to have your entire life thrown away with carelessness. No, you never expect those.

How unbelievable is it that on taking the chance to talk to this stranger you'd learn that you've been had? That you'd learn about someone's hidden lives. That you'd learn that you're not only the other woman but that there are several others among yourself and the One. That you'd learn about all the lies he told you and the others, only he makes everyone else looks like the perpetrator when in reality you're all victims. That he dragged you in the middle of his stories without a care, knowing full well you'd end up a sacrifice to feed his ego. All that happened to me in one phone conversation with a starnger I've never met.

He had us wrapped around his fingers. We tried to get even. We' re not yet through. We haven't even started yet. I just wish my unlikely ally would keep her word. I hope.

I have one wish. It's nothing grave or harmful. But I know he'd die if ever it happenss. He'd die from the inside out.

Freak!

It's official...I hate this day! I hate the past 24 hours of my life. I hate my job. I hate staying here. I hate the people around me. I hate it!

What Work?!

I'm so caught up with work I've extra 4 hours yesterday to have my hair fixed and colored. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. That's what lack of sleep would do to you. Then again, it seems like I'm someone who can handle such effectively since for the past 72 hours my sleep time totals to 12 hours only and I'm still okay. Me thinks.

And so with my hair. It's got streaks. Blond streaks. Don't ask me if I'm depressed or anything. It's the closest thing that I could do to radically change my looks. Since a tattoo is still out of the question, however much I want one and piercings ain't my thing. All I know is I like shocking people. Heehee~

Baing my own department is not that bad after the first week. I like the control I've got really. That I'm not dependent on someone else's performance to be able to do my work properly. Anyways, it's too early to tell. Who knows, by next week when I'm all swamped I might change sides again.

Number 2

I saw someone post a question: Why are some girls willing to be just number 2s? And I said, BECAUSE IT'S THE CLOSEST THING TO BEING NUMBER 1.

I'm sure to get a lot of boos for saying that. We of course hold every person with such high esteem, that no one deserves anything less. Some people though would accept less as long as they get what they want. And so do I.

It's no excuse though to say that being a mistress for example is forgiveable. Some things are just plain wrong and it's up to you to swallow whatever pride you have and admit to your faults. I am not talking though of being second only in relationships. Being number 2 means being second in priority over anything else. And that's what I've been for the past year and a half. Second highest priority as a friend would say. "Highest" and "Priority" trying to override the "Second" but nevertheless failing all the while.

I've preached time and time again that I deserve the best. There are things though where the best in my head ain't the same in reality. But I choose to have my heart lead me blindly. And I am. With no assurance of where I'm headed and a very undefinite path I walk blindly with time. I am not hoping that one day I'd outgrow my position and finally move on to the top priority slot rather I hope that I'd outgrow the ladder itself and decide to change over to a new set. Then maybe, and most probably, I'd have a better chance of being held Number 1 finally.

For now, I'm, okay with being Number 2. Second only to everything else. It's closest thing the being with him.

I Shall Dance

I know now what I want...I want to dance.

I want to dance the Waltz and be the graceful belle of the dancefloor. I want to run around the beat and Salsa on every corner of the room. I want to swear through the Swing and play with the Cha-Cha. And I want to dance the Rumba. I want my dance partner to hold me like I'm his lady love. I want him to touch me like I'm on fire. I want him to pull me like he he just fell in love. And I want him to push me like he's been broken into pieces...

I want to dance.

I just need someone to ask me...Shall we dance?

One Thing After The Other

I canceled my dinner date with May and Ian. I'm in no mood to socialize all of a sudden. Even the prospect of headin off to Rexie's place afterwards doesn't seem all nice to me at the moment. I guess a lot of people would be there, and I'm sure everyone would be laughing and would get all crazy. Laughter ain't sounding good tonight. Maybe next time.

Went to tha mall with Lyka a few hours back. Got myself a new denim skirt. My pay ain't great this time. Heck, first it came in late and now I can't even enjoy it that much. This sucks. Big time. I have to think about my bills. Speaking of bill, my phone bill doubled this last month. Bakit kaya? Quite obvious. Then again, I hate that he's the reason behind such amount.

My album is a mess. It's been lying on top my the other bed for months now. When will I finish that? If only I'm not feeling bad tonight maybe I should. Then again, I'm writhing with anger so maybe it's not such a great idea.

I wanna buy an AF shirt. I don't have money. Can they run on credit? I doubt.

I hate him! I hate him! I hate him...you're just one big pile of horse shit and I thought you were worth it. Now leave me alone while I bang my head againts the pavement.

Looking Around

It may seem that my days are revolving around the same things. It does really. I work hard and I play hard. Same thing, different deal daily. One thing that hasn't been moving for some time now is my love life. And heck, after discussing all other aspects that may lead to having one, I am yet to decide whether I really want to talk about that here.

I don't want to name names, but an awfully lot of my friends are actually going through a same phase. We want to hang our jerseys and get settled down and maybe just continue to watch the game from the sidelines or maybe even become couch potatoes and see it from our own living rooms.

I've a friend who's got everything I'd want to have but feels unsettled sometimes. Boredom maybe? I really dunno. I'd rather be bored and happy than busy and miserable. Really. Then there's someone who's just tired of the game and wants to forget anything closely related to the word love. Then someone who's still hooked with the past. And someone who like me, am stranded in the present and could not seem to look further in the future.

Looking around, I see I'm not alone. There a re alot of people who feels as lonely as I do. And I hate it. I want them to have the things that I don't. Unfortunately, I'm no Santa who can give them presents when they've been nice.

Looking around, I see people looking back at me as well.

Conversations

Note: Contents may be a bit unsettling for others. Things like these are not meant to be shared but then the purpose of this blog is to document, as closely as possible, my life in it's entirety. Experiences, conversations, thoughts, ideas, emotions...all that and more. I guess this conversation falls on the "more" category.

I had a short chat with 2 guy friends. Both important to me. Both marvelous in their own way. Both cares for me. And both I love. If love could be described you could say that one is like chocolates, deliciously tempting and sinful as hell, while the other one is similar to mom's home cooked waffles, comforting and constant. I read somewhere that men can be categorized into 2: muffins and doughnuts. Doughnuts are tempting and deliriously sweet, but looks all soggy and runny the next day if not kept frozen. Muffins on the other hand isn't much of a looker, but would stick it up for days to end. That's a keeper right there. Then again, none of them are muffins. One's a definite doughnut in and out, the other one's a doughnut without the icing. Less tempting but a doughnut still.

Guy 1: hi mahal. http://www.nonstandardized.com/fw/
Me: Ano yan?
Guy 1: Wala lang, good read.
Me (after reading the link): you know her?
Guy 1: No, kasama lang siya sa daily reads ko.
Me: fuck, that's me right there. now ask me, do i want to move on?
Guy 1: sabi ko naman sayo sex na lng tayo. Makakalimutan mo lahat.
Me: It's not that easy dear.
Guy 1: no its easy ur just making it a bit complicated!
Me: You and me? Have sex? And then what? Forget it ever happened? Just like with everyone else? or we'd do it again?
Guy 1: i didnt say we'll forget it.
Me: So wed do it again? Point is I'm not like that. That doesn't seem right.
Guy 1: we'll do that to cherish each other
Me: me having sex with someone and thinking of someone else. cherish each other?
Guy 1: cherish that it happened
Me: you still in love with me?
Guy 1: No, not like before. i guess before was too much complicated, friends, company and everyone there. atleast now, im not there anymore.
Me: and that makes it easier? without the love? kinda hard for me to swallow still. bitter pill.
Guy 1: i guess im being playful right now. and i know u dont deserve someone like me.
Me: maybe i do. who knows...all im saying is that's unfair. to you and to me and to him.
Guy 1: we're all used to it. ryt? and immune, i guess!?
Me: used to what? being unfair?
Guy 1: Yeah.
Me: i still wanna believe that we deserve something better. if not the very best. not just me but you too and everyone else. good though is a relative word. what's good enough for me might be hell shitty for ya. and so sometimes we just have to cut each other some slack.


And then I talked to Guy 2 and asked his opinion. He made his point. I got that. I just wish I was not in love with him though.

And we continued.

Me: when did you become so cynical so you dont think youd fall again and that maybe that time it'll last longer.
Guy 1: i wont fall in love again? maybe. im stonecold ryt now. read this:


If love was a bird then we wouldn’t have wings, if love was a sky we’d be blue
If love was a choir you and I could never sing cause love isn’t for me and you
If love was an Oscar you and I could never win cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible then we are lost in sin because its not in our hearts
If love was a fire then we have lost the spark; love never felt so cold
If love was a light then we’re lost in the dark left with no one to hold
If love was a sport we’re not on the same team: you and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean then we are just a stream cause love isn’t for me and you

Me: so you're telling me we're NEVER supposed to be together. at all.
Guy 1: we're? as in WE?i dont know. its like this...when i wanted to it seems like ur going further. and if ur being sweet and caring. parang la lang.
Me: you're right. we're just off. you and me.
Guy 1: see. i don't know why but it seems we're really not meant for each other. not to enjoy each other's company as such. sad as it may seem.


Then I said no more.