The past 48 hours proved to be more than challenging. It was fantastically enigmatic. I'm just drawn into every detail. Crap, I'm just tired.
Had dinner with the boys the other night and yesterday's shift I was juggling several issues at work. Penny dropped by work at 5 in the morning to play catch-up. I went to Ortigas after shift and had another set of breakfast with Abel (subsidized by me hmf). At 9am I went straight to TP to process my backpay and got home around noon.
Tonight I got greeted by issues left and right. Work just seemed like a big, corporate jungle all of a sudden instead of the boring ho-hum place where I earn my keep. I have a splitting headache and later I'd have to head out to meet some people.
During the length of my daily cab ride I realized that some things just won't change.
1. Early morning traffic vs rains- it never goes away, Especially along Katipunan where all the Atenistas and the Marians are waiting patiently inside their cars. La Salle Greenhills ain't any different. And all road within and around the CBD? Ugh, hellish gridlock. Noe I remember why I love working at night and why I never enjoyed driving to UP way back college. I hate Ateneo every morning especially when I have a 7am class at AS. Since it's also raining, everything just became waaaaaaaaay complicated.
2. Backpay vs New Pay - no one makes it easy. Getting your backpay is way harder than getting a job. Really. Sometimes you'd rather not go through the effort and forget your old company still owes you your last salary and other adjustments just because of all the hassle they'd put you through. But because I needed the money I gave them a taste of my rendition of an irate customer who's ready to sue. Suddenly, my lost clearance showed, my last pay was computed, my 2008 ITR was ready and I've my check ready to be signed off to me, it's rightful owner. And lemme tell you, it's well worth it. Hays, pagdating sa pera, TP can never go wrong. And my current pay...ahhhhh, well worth the migraine I have now. Of course, it can get better
3. Boys vs Girls - My dinner with the guys as always shifted between work, computers, games and money. It doesn't help being the sorta alpha female of the group. Not because of anything else but because my guy friends needs a good spaking once in a while just to get them going. Imagine our trips out of town when I had to literally drag each and every single of their fat ass off of the bed. Horrendous. I plan the trips, I buy the tickets, I detail the itin, I make the reservations, I do everything. Mikey even joked that time would come that I'd be earning millions a month but I'd still be li'l Hanne making the reservations, calling them, waking them for dinner dates and updating everyone what's up with everything. Hays, glorified alalay. Ate. Nanay. PA.
4. Work vs Work - It's hard work not to have work. Pretending you're busy when you're not. Trying hard to look and feel productive when you've done nothing the entire day but surf. On the other hand, having real work is equally as hard. So I've been asking myself the past 2 days, which do I actually prefer? Hays...a good balance between the two should do me good. I think.
The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.
The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.
So I've been trying to convince myself this is a good thing. Saying goodbye to whatever financial freedom I've gained the past 2 years is hard but I kept on reminding myself it will be tied down to a good thing. And though I've yet to receive final notice of my application's approval and that's just the start of my 5 year plan, I'm trying to psych myself up by planning the details of my doll-size dream.
Ito ang lay-out na naiisip ko.Galing ko gumawa ng TV using photoshop no? LOL~ Well, wala na akong balak ilabas pa ang drafting table ko mula sa bodega so nagtyaga ako sa photoshop at sa mga shapes and figures na andun na.
Corner unit daw.
Pag hinde na-approve...e di mayaman ako uli. Pag-approve, e di hanapin niyo ako
I've been Ate for as long as I can remember. Everyone calls me Ate. From home to school to work to p*yups. I'm Ate.
It's built-in, being Ate, that is. I know nothing but be one. I'm strict and I can give that "look" that would make you wanna confess. Heck, I can even give that look which made Pat say, "Don't look so motherly, I can't take it!" I also smother.
Once I was asked to be stationed at Makati. After that I ended up passing by Shaw to see my old team, I also went by Emerald to have dinner with Abel and Germs and I ended up having coffee at ABSCBN. It's tiring but I want to make sure I make time for my friends. Several times I've gotten messages/calls of distress from friends. From Pasa-load to picking them up from wherever hell-hole they found themselves in to asking for rent money because they used their budget to play Counterstrike.
I've held their hands. I've sat beside them in silence. They soaked my shirts with tears and they've given me cramps for lying their heads on my shoulders for hours. I've had senseless talks over coffee. I've had bottles of beer and passed out in the process just so they won't be alone. I've baby talked with them cos that's what they do. I've moved boxes and fixed their PCs just because no one else can do it for them.
I remember seeing my cousin a few weeks back at Eastwood. He was supposed to hand me my new Canon cam. He came with this distressed look in his eyes and told me sorry cos the person who was supposed to release my order didn't come to work and I went all the way there for nothing. There was some dirt on his glasses and I had the urge to wipe it. I held back and reminded myself that he's not a kid no more and though I'm still his Ate, a 22 year old, 6" tall guy can wipe his own glasses.
You could say I'm meant to be brooding. To ask too many questions. To hover around and all. I was built to be that way.
I haven't been sleeping well the past few days. My meeting with the sandman would last for 1-4 hours only since Thursday. Short time
It's 4:26am on my clock and I've been asleep from 10pm til 2am. Geez. I've had countless people buzz me on YM and I've been browsing endless pages for the past 2 hours just to be buzzed yet again by another long standing friend slash meantime guy, it was honestly a welcomed interaction. We're on chat now and I'm thinking, our non-friendship is based solely on "sheer experience".
We've been friends for a few years now. It started out simple. We're orgmates. He's a year older and his friends/blockmates became my barkada. I even dated one of his closest pals way back then and he was honestly secretly hoping I'd end up with him cos he feels I can straighten his friend out (not that he's not pretty straight hehe). He ended up being my almost pal the moment he started dating my blockmate. I personally tried hard to like him then, he's been known to me the maangas and kupal undergrad at our org back then. And of course, with all the tears my friend shed out for him during the length of their relationship, it became much harder for me to like him.
Then I left school and he became friends with my guy buddies. At one point he was "their man". Y'know, they won't stop talking about him. Everything was "great" and "cool" when you're with him. Talk about testosterone overload. They even decided to put up a home-based business together (2 of my closest guy friend and meantime dude) and rented a 45 sqm condo at Katipunan that they shared with meantime guy's HS Atenista buds during the day. I'd usually crash into their place and sleep on their makeshift bed on the floor while all 3 guys slave over their graphic interior/exterior rendering from various clients here and in the US.
I've spent countless hours on their couch. In their kitchen. On the floor.
One time though, things changed. He finally asked me the question no one wanted to ask, where I've been from or where I'm heading to whenever I come in and out of their place at 2-4am every weekend. That's when I told him about my Sandman. Then one Saturday night I came there almost half asleep. He asked me if I went out with my Sandman. I said I didn't and I was with friends. My other friends started looking at us weird when we started flirting.
He asked me, "What's his cologne? You like his cologne right?"
I answered, "I do. It differs. Sometimes it's 212 and sometimes it's Issey nowadays." He smiled and turned away. Just that. He went out of the room. I thought he was just gonna get something at the kitchen or whatnot. When an hour has passed and he hasn't come back my other friends began asking about him. "Where's he gone to, Hanne?" I said I didn't know.
Then the door opened and in he came. He went straight at me and hugged me. Not the friendly kind of bear hug but that skin to skin type of hug, only with clothes on. With 3 of my other guy friends staring he whispered, "Smell that? You like it?"
Apparently he went home just to steal his kuya's Issey. I found that sweet. My other friends didn't see it the same way and one asked me, "What's up with you and him?" I never answered back. And things were never the same.
We've been flirting all out since then. Under everybody else's noses. It helps we're in the same barkada and no one actually thinks we're anywhere serious and they feel we're just trying hard to outwit each other. The touching and the other things happening under the table were kept under wraps. And we'd laugh it off when someone notices. No one spoke a word about it other than his old pal whom I dated. He'd tease us incessantly but never really told anyone what he really thinks. Not even meantime guy. We've hung around the edges for so long sometimes it feels like we're done with everything else that supposedly follows flirtation. We never crossed the line. Never.
One time, we decided to give it a go. On his way to pick me up he called me. Said he changed his mind. He went off to see another girl instead, had lunch with her (as he claimed) and called me 3 hours later for coffee. We had coffee. And he changed his mind again and asked if I'm still willing. I told him I've changed my mind too. We knew it'll happen without any effort lost in the process. Or it may not.
I asked him if he wants to head to Ilocos with me in this tour group another orgmate has organized (though I already made a decision I won't go) and he told me, "Let's not go together. I might end up doing something I'd regret later." I let him off the hook easily.
Being friends and being TOO comfortable for far too long may finally take a toll on our friendship. Intimacy can be in a lot of forms...and yes, we've been too intimate for years. We're intimate just out of sheer experience.
Sometimes I couldn't understand why I'm sad and afraid. I'm even afraid of writing this down on my usual blogs. No one knows this is still up. No one except Kait knows the insomniac is up and about. Lucid and aware.
Could I hold you for for a lifetime Could I look into your eyes Could I have this night to share this night together Could I hold you close beside me Could I hold you for all time Could I could I have this kiss forever Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever
I've had my fair share of in-betweens. That only happens in my personal life though. In my career it's always the extremes. I'm on a rage whenever it's about work. My friends would always tell me they can't seem to keep up with me. It's not a race. They just can't seem to figure out where I'm at and what I'm doing. By the time they do learn about the itsy bitsy details, I'm off to another job.
My friends, they like their comfort zones. They'd rant and rant about their careers not going anywhere. The moment a new opportunity comes up, they'd stop dead on their tracks and change their minds. They'd come up with 10,000 reasons why it's not a viable plan. Just now I had a very long talk with a friend. At the end of the conversation I heard the magic words, "I can't change."
You can guess how comments like that gets to me. I'm the "it" person when you want something done. I'm all in when it comes to new projects and implementations. I'm excited with new prospects. And I wither with ho-hum jobs and projects (giving me bullshit is not part of the exciting part).
So when I heard that word "can't" I told him off.
"You just lost your right to rant. Once you say you can't, you lose any kind of reason to rant. Hakuna Matata. No Worries. Why worry if your problem has a solution? You don't. You get up and you work your ass off with whatever solution you have. Why worry if your problem has no solution? You don't. You move on cause it won't matter whether you cry until you're dead because there's simply no solution."
With that he said, "Ang galeng mo talaga pards!"
There. I said my piece. And if that didn't rattle him to his reality then I can't do anything short of running him over with a 4x4.
And I'm giving myself the same treatment. So I've been ranting about not having anything to do at work and being bored to death nightly. Is there a solution? Yes. There. I found a proxy server. I dunno how long this would last. Point is, I stopped ranting for tonight and did what I had to do.
Now next on the list, how do I get my laptop. I don't care if it takes me ages. I'm gonna get what I want. Or just want something else.