My Love and Prayers

The world lost another friend today. Someone who loved the children of the world. Someone who respected truth. Someone who was able to inspire so many others by showing that religion, politics and everyday life can be managed beautifully as long as you have faith.

I always loved how his eyes smiles. He'll always be the man with the smiling eyes for me. My prayers and love to Karol Wojtyla

Kissing a Fool

Just saw the movie Maid in Manhattan a while ago with my sibs on HBO. As if I have a choice on what to watch since they're both glued to the TV. And so I watched another feel-good movie that did nothing but make me feel miserable and incomplete.

Really, the perfect for picture kiss that lovers in Hollywood movies share makes me wanna puke. Not because they look so sweet and romantically wonderful, but because all the guys I've kissed turned out to be really messed up frogs. Well, frogs with wonderful tongues maybe...Hahaha! Let's not go there!

Call me a Meg Ryan wannabe, I don't care if cameras aren't rolling, and it doesn't matter who my leading man is...but one day, I'll get my Hollywood kiss. Heehee!

Current Sentiments

SOMEDAY WE’LL KNOW

90 miles outside Chicago
Can’t stop driving
I don’t know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later
You’re still on my mind
Whatever happened to Amilia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the Titanic cry

Chorus:

Someday we’ll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you
Does anybody know the way to atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
I’m speeding by the place where I met you
For the 97th time tonight

(chorus)

Someday we’ll know
Why samson loved delilah
One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren’t you here with me?

(chorus)

Someday we’ll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you

Emotional Attachments

This is nothing new to me. I've been emotionally attached to almost anything, with or without any intrinsic value. I'm just one emotional sentimentalist by heart.

I couldn't remember a time that I've been apathetic to anyone. Always, it's either I like you or I don't like you. And if I do, believe me, there'll be a very strong emotional attachment whether you want it or not. And it's not as if I planned it that way.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I'm having a hard time letting go of the people I like and I'm having a more stressful time trying to like the people I no longer like for whatever reason that my views changed over any given time. Point is, I want to cling onto everyone who means anything to me, which makes me a very clingy person sometimes and it freaks the hell out of me.

Adulthood

I was jolted, more like smacked, on the head yesterday when I saw some of my college friends over who were applying here ar my place. It seems that they're all worried about the exam and interview and I couldn't help but feel stupid and aged.

After all, Ive been to dozens of interview, countless exams and been to several government offices. I told my friend that once in, there are still a lot of things that needed her careful attention...Like securing a police and NBI clearance, medicals, getting herself a SSS # etc.

Really, I felt old...And somewhat the knowledge that my friends are just experiencing the things that I've long accepted as part of being an adult means that I grew up way faster than I should have...Regret is settling in, slowly.

Also, someone told me that I'm someone who makes men sorta "afraid"...I dunno if that was made as a joke or if there's a hint of honesty into it. I'm no player. I'm only into serious relationships. Then I realized, I never even really enjoyed dating around.

I think I missed a lot...huhuhuhu!

Sa Pasaway!

Artist: LeAnn Rimes

Song: Right Kind of Wrong

Know all about

About your reputation

And how it's bound to be a heartbreak situation

But I can't help it if I'm helpless

Every time that I'm where you are

You walk in and my strength walks out the door

Say my name and I can't fight it anymore

Oh I know, I should go

But I need your touch just too damn much

Loving you isn't really something I should do

Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you

That I should try to be strong

But baby you're the right kind of wrong

Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong

Might be a mistake

A mistake I'm making

But what you're giving I am happy to be taking

Cause no one's ever made me feel

The way I feel when I'm in your arms

They say you're something I should do without

They don't know what goes on

When the lights go out

There's no way to explain

All the pleasure is worth all the pain

Loving you isn't really something I should do

Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you

That I should try to be strong

But baby you're the right kind of wrong

Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong

I should try to run

But I just can't seem to

'Cause every time I run you're the one I run to

Can't do without, what you do to me

I don't care if I'm in too deep

Know all about

About your reputation

And how its' bound to be a heartbreak situation

But I can't help it if I'm helpless

Every time that I'm where you are

You walk in and my strength walks out the door

Say my name and I can't fight it anymore

Oh I know, I should go

But I need your touch just too damn much

Loving you isn't really something I should do

Shouldn't wanna spend myh time with you

That I should try to be strong

But baby you're the right kind of wrong

Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong

Disappointed

I can't explain why up until now I get disappointed almost always.

Wnenever something would come up, it comes as no surprise at all. Why would I be surprised, afterall, I have a tendency to over analyze everything and that only means that I've done my research, weighed my options and formulated dozens of possible outcomes from my well versed hypotheses. Then why get disappointed?

I still feel that I'm lacking or that I was not able to do my best. I still feel that I could've approached the subject in a different manner this saving me from disappointment.

Sometimes, I wish I can just stop myself from thinking.

Sleepless Witch

Why can't I lead a normal life with normal sleeping patterns? Read: I'm not asking for normai sleeping hours, but normal patterns.

It would seem that I am more upset than I would like admit. Upset about what? Lemme keep that to myself for now. But really, I am upset about a lot of things. Yeah, maybe I'm just being the old over-analytical biatch that I am, but can you blame me?

Nothing's wrong with being over critical and over analytical right? Or am I the only one who thinks that's normal? Some people constantly reminds me not to think so hard. Hey, I'm human! I can't control every single urge that racks my physical being can I? Really though, I'm ruining myself sometimes. Can a shrink help me? Like maybe he can hypnotize me or something even more drastic than that?

Man, I'm tired and I need rest more than anything. Then why can't I sleep?!

Shortest Personality Test

Test here!

Down to earth Well-Balanced Harmonious

You value a natural style and love that which is uncomplicated. People admire you because you have both feet planted firmly on the ground and they can depend on you. You give those who are close to you security and space. You are perceived as being warm and human. You reject everything that is garish and trite. You tend to be skeptical toward the whims of fashion trends. For you, clothing has to be practical and unobtrusively elegant.

Never Say Never

Half an hour ago, I said I won't write about him anymore. I can't help it this time though. You see, while we were chatting he suddenly went idle, said he needs to do something. I took that as the usual end of our conversation knowing that it could mean another meeting marathon that'll last til morning. And so I left several offline messages and headed home.

Once home I received a text message from him asking me where I am. I said I'm home. He then told me he's at my office that very moment hoping to surprise me. Yes, I was surprised. And yes, I wish I waited another half an hour before heading home.

Now I found myself in tears. Why is he making it hard for me? Just when I've finally made a decision, he'd turn around and would try to make everything look wonderfully tempting. I must admit. I am tempted.

He is still tempting.

Last Sigh

This'll be my last entry regarding my pseudo-relationship. I'm about to call the shots. We are almost at an agreement and I want to make everything final by the time we end the conversation. I only hope we can atleast talk about everything before we reach the conclusion we've both been considering, I'm sure, for the longest time now.

I never thought that the dance would end in such a heartfelt sigh. Melancholic yet strong. Clear yet storm ridden. Together in one decision...Or is it? Am I just playing a supportive role as the real puppeteer steers me to the end of the scene he's always intended to have?

I can't seem to end this entry, as I know that this'll affect me in the days to come. Let this be my promise to myself. Never is such a solemn promise, and I would never say never.

Missing Someone

I just read an article from peyups.com's In A Rage column. It talks about the three words "I Miss You." That got me thinking. Why do we miss people? Why do we constantly remind ourselves of past emotions and almost forgotten memories? Why do we feel that longing whenever a semblance of remembering comes about unknowingly?

No, I don't think I'll be able to answer any of the questions I've been asking myself for the past 2 hours now. I cannot fathom the meaning of those three words.

It is raw yet sensible. It is sung by the greatest poet and scorned by the unholiest prisoner. It is good, yet bad. It is a solemn promise and a broken promise both at the same time. How can three simple words bring about so much different instances and facets? How?

Someone who used to tell me he misses me would often get a barrage of explanation as to why he CAN'T miss me at all...I would tell him that he can't miss something that he never had. That he can never miss someone who he's never been with. That it can't be anything but plain simple pambobola. He stopped after several more instances. Now, I just want to tell him that I want to take everything back. Because this time around, I'm the one who's missing him. Terribly so.

My days are always greeted by simple yet profound greetings and sweet nothings. Sometimes, when the day started out bad, I am greeted by several mournful excuses, still there's someone who greets me come 5 PM every single day...Now I found him gone. My world seems a bit darker. My shift seems a bit longer. My feelings are nothing more than a simple valediction that he was right, you can miss someone even when you've never had the chance to have to person for yourself. How stupid can I get? Stupid enough to miss someone who's not mine maybe? There you go.

Letter to My Foncused Self

Dearest Me,

I understand that you've been at war with yourself for the longest time. It would seem that you're the only person you know who keeps on considering all the infinite possiblities that life has to offer, in which case most of the time everything ends there, one big possibility that you never got to consider.

Things will always follow the same universal rule, change is inevitable.

When you see a window of opportunity, for something that you've always wanted or something you always thought you'll have, jump right into it and don't think. The opportunity graced by that millisecond may be lost of forever. Once there you can then decide. Take it or leave it, point is, you're in.

I know, don't listen to me, I'm as loco as you are. I'm not helping you one bit am I? Maybe I should stop.

You

Sleepless

Why I couldn't sleep is a big mystery this night. I have all the right reasons to be asleep this very moment. I am tired, I haven't had any proper sleep lately, I have work later and my eyes are all droopy.

I guess I've been thinking too much. Too much that once again, I am rendered helpless by my self induced pain. This is too muc, too soon. I want to deny the fact that certain unavoidable questions have been wreaking havoc in my otherwise sane life.

Let me see what I can do to end this, if indeed I CAN end such an ordeal by myself. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll be able to sleep soundly. If not because I'm sleepy, at least because I'm tired of every waking moment that I've witnessed and thus my mind wants to see the other side of reality.

Right now, I want to sleep. That's my only wish. The gift of unreality is all I'm wishing for this very moment.

My Family, My Friends and A Shy Me

We went to Pampanga yesterday. After my shift Friday night, I just went home to get a fresh change of clothes and we started our 2 hour drive to my other home. I was a bit disappointed at first, most of my cousins with whom I'm kinda close with are not around, either busy with their respective boyfriends and girlfriends or who has their own "lakads" with their new families.

How time flies. We used to talk about being single and having no one who's interesting enough to be with. And now look at them, every single one attached. Everyone my age that is. It's like I'm now member of the next generation of Reyes' the ones who are just starting off with college and are still unattached. Shit, I'm always late with these things. Haha! What's new anyways?

I was greeted by my Aunts, my Dad and my Lola. How small my lola felt in my arms. I used to look at her and see someone big and strong, but as I was holding onto her, I realized how small she is, she's about as tall as my shoulders only and I can put my arms around her without trouble. I was embracing her the whole way to the kitchen where the rest of my Aunts are, preparing the food we're bringing for the reunion at lunch. Maybe I just feel that I don't want my lola to think I've forgotten about her. I know I rarely go there to see her these past 2 years, but I love her. I don't want to lose her without her knowing that, just like the time I lost my lolo. I'm still very much thankful that a month before he was rendered immobile and incoherent, I was able to spend a few minutes with him that made saying goodbye somewhat a bit easier. I just hope he felt my love in those few minutes we spent. Too bad he was not able to see me graduate with honors back in high school.

My Aunts, as always, were more than happy to see me. Hahaha! They kept on asking who I was and why I was there. I said I just want to remind them that they still have a niece named Hanne. They kept on asking me to treat them out. That okay with me though I just couldn't figure out, for the life of me, where they got the figures of my pay. As if I'm really getting that much! And even if I am, I really don't have the money right now. Remember that for the past 2 paydays, I've been borrowing from my lola just so that I can survive!

I saw my Dad last, he was staying at the back of the house, in a small hut. My Aunts said he likes to stay there alone. Sometimes he appears to be crying. Made my heart sink to hell when I heard that. We're not in good terms, we never were if you're going to ask me, but I still love the guy. Made me think about my previous actions and that I know I could've helped him somehow if only I've been more forgiving. It's never too late to mend things up right? Well, I'll have to try harder maybe. He showed me his crops. A few plots here and there of various veggies. I can see the pride in his eyes even when I know that behind that glint he feels sorry for himself. That he can't provide for his family and that he had to rely on his eldest daughter for monetary support. I wanted to help them, but after losing money one after the other, I just couldn't seem to trust him enough nowadays. If only they would listen to me more. Can't they see I am not a kid anymore, I might be of greater help than they thought.

The reunion was fun to an extent. I spent a few hours laughing and making reklamo with my cousins and Aunts. I saw my cousins' kids...(grabe! Ang dami kong pamangkin!) Masaya rin mag-picture taking. Hahaha! Official photographer. Speaking of which, I'll post our pics after when I had them resized na para mas mabilis magload...Another happy thing was the family portrait. Goes to show that my lolo was the most fertile of them all. Imagine, some of the families there only has several members representing them, when it was our turn , we don't know how to make ourselves fit the camera's viewfinder. Had to change the camera's setting to panoramic. Hahaha! But I'm proud of my family. One of my Uncles said that he's really happy that after years of being apart, when most of us live outside of Tarlac (our family originally came there but my grandpa settled in Pampanga), and the other half are now residing around Metro Manila, we always find time to make it every "Sabado de Gloria" to meet up.

Then today, I came here to RMH so I can meet up later with Darlynn and Rose. Too bad though we have to cancel everything, again, due to some important matters. Not to worry though, I got to chat with Em-J who's more than willing to listen to me. Tama ata si Ryan, I'm more madaldal than I thought. What's new, AGAIN, anyway?! Still, I couldn't imagine myself as an outgoing extroverted person that I am right now. I'll always think of myself as "shy-Hanne".

I also read Leni's entry in her blog, made me wanna weep. I really wish I can turn back and time and be with them all over again. Yeah, yeah! I've said as much before, I've explained why over and over, and I've wished for that to happen more than a thousand times and I know for a fact that it'll never happen. But I'm allowed to dream am I not? And wish for the good times to be back? Let me repost what she has to say about me...Hinde ako egoistic! Hahaha!

HANNE - my first ever arki friend. we differ on many things. she likes the macho with goatee guys while i go for the lanky, clean-looking guys. but we both did find Jeff um, for lack of better word, dreamy. hehe :p we even disagree on what pair of shoes Randell should buy. and i hate girly colors and her favorite is purple. although we aren't as close now as we are back then, she still counts as one of my best buds in arki.Fave moments:

-tambay at the corridor with ate rose who owns a pajero and had a crush on sir nick

-Our 'men's cr' episode-shopping for clothes that would look good on Shashee

-that night after feeling OP at Lesley's debut

-'gliding' in sta. lucia after watching Ms. Congeniality, and

-Hanne holding the umbrella in AS Walk while i'm getting a henna from Jeff. hehe :p

and countless others.

You know Leni, that's what I like most about us, we know how to respect each other, however different we may be. I like the fact that we can argue about things without having to start a fight. Sana mataggap kayo dito, it would make getting around easier. Hehe! Let's go look for the perfect skirt that will make us pretty.

I'm heading home in a while. I won't have anything to do again. I don't have the money to spend and I don't have the energy to do anything worthwhile. Tomorrow I'll be back to work. Tomorrow I might be back to the old same Hanne, one who is in charge and in control. For now though, I'm still stuck with the sadness I feel for my Dad, I'm still missing my lolo, I'm still wishing I can hold my lola longer, I'm still envious of my cousins and their respective source of happiness and joy, I am still missing my college days, I'm still wishing for a time machine, and I'm still wishing for a special someone to realize just how special I can be if only he'll give me the time I deserve.

For now, I'll just be the shy-Hanne I used to know.