My Map

I remember saying I wanted to watch Elizabethtown. It didn’t make any noise in Hollywood if I remember it right. Didn’t even made it on PI cinemas. Then again, I learned about it, looked up the trailer and totally got interested. I was having second thoughts about ordering it on DVD when I had the chance. After all, I’ve an entire closet of VCDs and half of them are movies I won’t watch again just because watching it once is enough. I think Kait still has some of my movies :p

Curiousity as always won over money and practicality. What’s a few pesos to burn if I get to something I’ve obviously been interested in seeing right? Yes, I was right.

We’re substitutes. Clare said that and it felt like it made sense. Last night I was hounding Glenn over chat for some things I’m not ready to face. I got to go through 5 calls/meetings, a one-on-one with my boss, chats with Ryan, talks with Mikey about the trip we’re planning, make fun of Abel and I even managed to understand the entire process of capacity planning and all the freakin computations that goes with it…and still my mind was bogged by this singular thought that Glenn tried so hard to wrestle out of my consciousness, not because it’s needed but rather because he knows just how potent such thoughts are for me.

So I came home, still thinking about the same thing. After seeing Friends on the tube. After my 3rd attempt on breakfast. After realizing I’ve to wake up early for dinner with Hernie and Penny. I decided to pull out that movie I’ve been secretly curious of for the past year.

You know when you get this feeling and you can’t seem to put your fingers on what it is about or what’s causing it? I was having that the entire night. And then this movie comes up my computer screen and I get my new A-ha moment. I want that. I want that moment when I’d be able to pick up my scissors and my glue and create my map. That one map leading to where I’m at. Strangely I’ve made 3 before. One for Pong, as her ate, as someone who’d always be a friend to whoever needs me. Another for Kait, as her bestfriend, as her soul sister. That one person who’d never leave. The last one I did, over 5 years ago, was for Glenn. That gift that I threw into the fire, as someone who sees herself differently. That girl who woke up suddenly to realize her life gets to start all over again.

I need a map.

Salapi

Ang sarap naman. In one go, nagawa kong madoble pera ko sa bank. Ganun kasaya ang pera nowadays PERO, in one go nasira mga pangarap ko.

Bakit ba napakalaki ng tax sa Pinas?! Tapos makikita ko sa road kanina nakapila mga tao, subsidized daw ang kuryente galing sa VAT sabi ng banner sa kalye. GALING SA VAT?! Sino kaya ang may malaking binabayaran sa VAT? Yung mga less than 1K ang electric bill na malamang e medyo ganun lang din ang capacity to buy other things or yung mga doble doble dun ang binabayaran na malamang mas maraming binibili na may VAT? At sino kaya sa mga tao ang totoong bumubuhay sa Pinas? Yung mga mahihirap? Or yung middle class na may matinong trabaho na kinakaltasan ng tax buwan buwan? Sino uli ang priority ng gobyerno? Ay sarili nila nga pala.

Oo, apektado ako. Kase yung tax para sa pag-transfer ng deed ng bahay at lupa namin, ako mgbabayad...at kakainin niya ang kalahati ng savings ko na 5 months kong inipon. Mantakin ko, limang buwan akong nag ipon para yung 3 month's worth of ipon ko e ibigay lang sa gobyerno.

How sad. Pakshet!

Night Out Night Owl

**kwento kwento lang

From having to break my back from work last Friday night shift to the breakfast with Penny and Hernan I didn’t actually think I’d have more on my plate last Saturday than I planned on having. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t have been expecting since it ain’t the first time it had happened. The truth though, that I’ve had too many long nights already on my book made me think there wouldn’t be much left for future occurrences. I was wrong apparently. And it wasn’t so bad so be wrong on things like these.

So my boss thought I can singlehandedly turn everything around at work. That may be my specialty but my decisions aren’t always perfect. I deal with people and how they’d react to certain situations which I may not control. My job is to make assumptions based on trended rules, not assure everyone that everything would be perfect once I’m done with it. She gave me a big shoe to fill. It ain’t nothing new but it sure is scary. I’ve been groomed to fail before, now I’m being groomed to be someone better than me. That’s a big leap to take, especially when my ego tells me I’m one of the best among my peers especially since my biggest competitor within my circle already dropped out of the race.

Breakfast with Hernan and Penny was a surprise. I think they actually missed me. After all, I get a text message from Hernie every noon asking me if I’m up and about. It was short and sweet. Of course, the incessant bickering was there. Yeah, I’ve been called names once again. Believe me, my friends are the greatest, they’d never make you feel good enough for anyone. I regret though that fact that I’ve lost touch of a lot of people when I left. I only kept a few. And I made sure I only kept a few. When Glenn and Penny told me that Chico came by a few days ago and treated everyone to breakfast I was just glad he had the time to see everyone else. But when Chico asked Penny how come we’ve never visited him at Clark when I explicitly told him I will, my heart ached, he was even asking her where I am now. Penny said to ask me since I don’t want people to know where I’m at. People care about me, friends wants to keep in touch. But I made a decision to leave a lot of baggages behind when I decided to move out. Y’see, I’m far too attached to the life I’ve made there and I had to learn to let go. It just saddens me that I’m still not ready to go back and pick up what I left there.

I went home right after that and tried to catch some sleep before heading out again. Unfortunately my insomnia kicked in. I wish I can have just three 48-hour days in a week. That way I live my life every other day only. 48 hours I’m awake, 48 hours I’m asleep. That should work just fine considering I’ve been up and about for 31 hours yesterday.

3 hours in bed and I felt like I’ve done enough lying around. I decided to head a bit early to Trinoma and just chill. Maybe I’d get to have an excuse to shop. Well, I didn’t. I couldn’t let go of my money this time. Yeah, got my first pay and I’m having a hard time letting it go. Maybe because it means so much to me on a personal level. Ouch, I never though I’d have enough feelings over money, which I soooo love to spend. Maybe I need to force myself to shell out that cash I need for the new cam or the the new portable HD. Or maybe I should just buy myself a good cup of dark mocha frap which I’m so loving at the moment. Or maybe I don’t need much retail therapy cos I’m not a bit least sad.

The night with the p*yups peeps started out with a cup of coffee at hand. Ok, so I didn’t get myself anything, but they did anyway. We did meet at Starbucks so what can we expect. And as always, cameras started to flash the moment we sat. it’s funny that no one from p*yups is ever afraid of getting their pictures taken. We relish the fact that a camera is pointed at our shiny little noses. Hahahaha~

The movie was good and I honestly, honestly fell in love with Ed Norton. Ahh, one of the few Hollywood actors I wouldn’t mind NOT being an actor. Y’know, just so he can be that guy next door that I can date. Time with Gilligan’s was fun. I was sooooooo happy Abel got there as promised. I hate it when people don’t show up when they told me they would. Sana hinde na ako nagsayang ng load. Ay, postpaid nga pala phone ko Hahahaha~ One thing I love about the group of people I was with was that hinde sila mahirap kausap. One moment we were sitting there laughing, the next we were all headed to Havana. No long talks, walang pilitan, walang arte, walang excuses. Sasama ka or hinde? Sasagot. Aalis. Tapos ang usapan. That’s one major difference when you’re with the oldies. Kids (eg Lespot) you listen to what I say ok? Hahaha~

So I did it again. I may never beat the 36 hours I spent with May and Randy before (which extends from work, to Morato, to Tagaytay to Morato and then home) but I can sure try. Sometimes I think, did I ever really want to leave my old ways behind? Maybe it ain’t the right time to stop drinking my vodka cruiser. I miss May who’d never forget to ask me if I want to drink or if I’m just having my usual four seasons. I miss Randy who’d always call me a sissy for having my “colored” drinks. I miss BJ who’d always tell me to stop even when I’m only having a bottle. Yep, I know I’m too attached. But that ain’t such a bad thing.

Early Morning

I’ve been up since 2am. My PC’s been running since then. It’s 7.42 am now. I’ve had a late dinner and I’ve downed 2 glasses of instant coffee. I’ve texted my friend about some things that I’ve been planning on doing and I’m trying to decide when’s the right time to head back to the doctor’s office to have my heart checked and my ovaries tested. I’ve the start of a bad headache and I’m heading to work tonight even though it’s a holiday. For the first time in 5 years I can get off on a holiday but decides against it and I still believe I’m not a workaholic.

I can quit but I just love playing the game.

I heard that somewhere. Makes a whole lot of sense for someone who’s been thinking of quitting everything. Got to talk to my aunt yesterday, in between takes of my Grey’s Anatomy Marathon I got to breath things out a bit. It’s not perfect, I still don’t see things the way my aunt sees things but it’s hell a lot better than how the real state of things are at the moment.

Being an adult suck. I told her that sometimes I’m not even sure whether I’m lucky to have been born with this level of understanding or if this would forever be my sole cause of pain and uncertainty. A lot of times I thought I want to be a simpleton. With simple understandings and ideas. But that’s not who I am. I’m as complicated as complicated can be. I love complications and I live to measure and untangle these myriads of disorganized lines and points.

Though sometimes the feeling of quitting seems more viable than having to fight for things I’m not even sure of, I can’t seem to appreciate that something just might be over. Things change. They move. People change. But once it’s over, then what’s left? I don’t want anything to be over now. Not at this point. I only go through things once. And however shitty things maybe and though it might seem like there’s no better option than to drop the ball and let it slide off of streets I gather that’s not really what I want. i don’t want anything to be over until I know I want to let it go.

Right now, I’m not willing to let go of anything. Not yet.

I don’t save people, I don’t change the course of history, I don’t make life changing decisions but I certainly want to have my shot at happiness and freedom. And though it feels like I’m heading towards nowhere I know for a fact that nowhere can be anywhere and this time, I’m not quitting just yet. That nowhere just might be my somewhere.

Being Single

I'm probably the best person to tell you how wonderful it is to be single. There are times though that I think better. Loneliness ain't an easy thing to handle. Just like drugs, it causes you to move around with a clouded head. "Love, I need love."

You know what got me to this position? Yeah, things rarely "just happen" to me. Even epiphanies have their roots from something else. This was brought about by my house hunting trip yesterday and watching Love Actually this morning. I just realized just how much easier things would be if only I'm not alone and actually half of a partnership. A partner's income would help me buy that house I want...and also keep me secured and safe at night.

Yeah, I need a hug.

Quiet Time

Life has been awfully quiet the past 2 weeks. I can’t believe how things turned out the moment I decided to let go of T*. Now I know I can’t work for a company that I can’t respect, even when everyone keeps telling me I can just do it for the money. No amount of money can buy my sanity and pride. Hahaha~

Moving to a new company was a good move I think. I am yet to see how things would fare on my stay here but so far it’s been good. I haven’t actually gone around being my usual Ms. Friendly self but that’s only because I’m loving what I do more than socializing. Yep, you heard that right. I actually like that I’ve my hands full with reports and studies and whatnots as opposed to me having an entire battalion of analysts at my disposal. If I’m a farmer, I’d rather be the one toiling the soil.

Hard work means a lot to me. And I’m happy I’m given the chance to prove how capable I am. I’m done with negotiations and meetings and business reviews. Well, maybe not, but I won’t be heading the table. I’d be working for someone who’s heading the team. Ah, the glory of having your director within the same continent and not just a voice you hear on the speakerphone, just like Charlie’s.

I’m also doing a lot of thinking lately. I’m turning 27 this year. At this age my mom has got 2 kids already. I thought, I might not be married with kids as I initially planned for ages ago but I won’t be a bummer either. So I’m getting my life on track, sooner than later and hopefully I’d be able to set the wheels in motion this year. Wish me luck.

To everyone who’s interested enough to read what I’ve got to say, I wish you happiness in all possible avenues. Smile.

Heaven Help Me

Last week I started getting toothaches, I decided to head to the dentist (without waiting for my HMO card) last Saturday because it's been far too inconvenient for me to pop a paint killer every 6 hours or so. I can't function with a toothache damn it!

So there, I found out I MIGHT need to undergo a root canal soon. MIGHT because the dentist told me to watch and wait for 5 days if the pain would go. Guess what? Second day's almost over and it's still hurting.

My tolerance for pain is really, really low. Needles scares the hell out of me and until now I can't look at one (kahit ten thousand times na akong nakukuhanan ng dugo) without cringing. How I managed to think I want to get tattoos is well out of my comprehension.

After having the laser treatment on my armpits and the sympathy bikini wax I did for "friendship" I thought I can handle anything. Well, I'm afraid I spoke too soon cos the thought of drilling into my tooth to take out my nerves is causing my heart to skip a beat or two.

So if you see me cranky the next few days, let me off the hook quickly. Toothache ain't a joke.

Picture taken from Wikipedia.

Old Fashion Tiangge

I haven't been to Greenhills in such a long, long time. Sure, it was just over 7-8 months ago when I was last there with Penny, but we were running around so fast we were done in half an hour or so. The previous visit prior to that was years ago.

So when I asked my sister to go there, I was thrilled when she chirped a yes. Unfortunately, I found out she's got other plans of going there. Read: Buy a Nintendo DS Light. Grr~ Geekfest ain't my thing at the moment, no plans of heading to the PC parts area. But I thought I would at least be an excuse to go with her, she can head wherever and I can head to the tiangge as always.

With her boyfriend on tow we managed to lift our asses off of the couch and head out. I was sooooo much in a hurry I even forgot to change slippies. Yes, I went all the way to Greenhills wearing my pambahay slippies. Oh well, no one noticed I guess. Or if they did, I didn't care. It matches my top anyways.

We were planning on taking our separate ways but when her ATM wouldn't cough out her much needed cash I had to loan her and in return she'd be my alalay for the day. Yipee~ Unfotunately, the trip tp the geek store took longer, I managed to go around and ask for the price of portable HDs. Awwwwww~ I want one, I want one. Grrrr~ Unfortunately, they're not included in my budget. Maybe I go buy one of 'em cuties on my first pay.

After buying her "toy" I asked them if they're ready. I'm giving myself an hour to scour the main tiangge area. At 2.30pm I told 'em, "Are you ready? Brace yourselves. Just follow me and when I hand my bag over hawakan niyo lang and I need to fit whatever. Game? Let's go."

45 minutes into my "game" my sister kept on mumbling, "Gutom na ako!" Grrrr~ "15 more minutes."

One hour was all it took. I got myself a white long sleeved blouse, a black 3/4 sleeved blouse, a pink off shoulder shirt, 2 pekpek shorts and a tailored black jacket. Heaven.

Then I asked them where they wanna eat. Of course they gave me a collective look of anything-other-than-fastfood. So I dragged them to the promenade. Tough luck, they asked me to go somewhere a bit cheaper. Ok, ok. So we walked around a bit. Actually, about 20 steps away I dragged them back, "Dadagdagan ko nalang pera niyo, dito nalang tayo at ayaw ko na maglakad. Tender Bob's ok? or Penang Hills?"

So Bob got the bill. Heaven again.

Now I'm home feeling all nice and warm. Thinking, what's next? I've big plans coming up, I hope I'd have everything I need to make them into my happy reality.

Tick Box

My life seems to have countless tick boxes from the start and heaven knows when it will end.

Dimples? Check. Black, straight hair? Check. Above average IQ? Check. Private Catholic School upbringing? Check. University education? Check. Driver's License? Check. Bank Accounts? Check. Credit cards? Check. Good Job? Check. Above average salary? Check.

So when Ryan and I were texting last night on my 3rd day into my new job I can't help but feel exhausted. Add to that my conversations with my sister and cousin the day before.

Hanne: I don't use myTOTO e. So I can come and go as I want.
Ryan: Wala kang sched sa myTOTO? Ang daya!!! Ump!
Hanne: I asked my Director e, she said no need since I'm Manager already.
Ryan: Di ba dun kinukuha ang payroll hours? Pano yun? Sarap ng buhay mo!
Hanne: Dati pa namang ganun e. Since naging non-agent ako. Siguro automatic sweldo ko.
Ryan: Iba talaga ang higher ops. Magaling, magaling, magaling! Wag ka nang lumipat ng company, lumipat ka nalang ng account. Hehehe~
Hanne: Ayaw ko na magka-account tayo. Saka hinde pa ako comfortable e. Lost pa rin madalas.
Ryan: Kaya mo yan, ikaw pa. Sanay na sanay ka sa promotion e.
Hanne: Sanay? Kaya nga ayaw muna magpa-promote, papahinga muna.
Ryan: Kaya yan, dapat next year site director ka na, ako taga-bili mo ng kape.

Good job? Check. First promotion? Check. Higher position? Check. Higher salary package? Check. Higher position? Check. Promotion again? Check.

Hanne: Kawawa ka pag magkasama tayo ng account.
Ryan: Bakit naman? E may friend na akong upper management?
Hanne: Kase I'd push you. I'd push you hard, Six months dapat promoted ka na.
Ryan: Onga e. Feeling ko nakakatakot ka sa work.
Hanne: Err, feeling ko isa ako sa pinakamabait na tao sa work.

Can work alone without supervision? Check. Can work in small groups? Check. Can lead and motivate a small team? Check. Can train a small group of new hires? Check. Can lead and manage a large team? Check.

Ryan: Manonood kame ng Pyrolympics mamaya. Di ba gusto mo yun? Sama ka!
Hanne: Pagod ako e.
Ryan: Camiguin kame sa August pero bibili na ng tickets. Dun nalang ikaw sumama.
Hanne: Pass muna, nag-iipon ako.

I've been working since March 2003. I've been to 6 different companies since then. I've held 8 different positions in that period of time, 6 of which are promotions with pay increase.

Sister: Ate magreresign na ako. Papahinga muna ako ng one month.
Hanne: Bakit? Pagod ka na? Sayang naman, laki ng komisyon mo dyan no!
Sister: Natatamad na ako e.
Hanne: How long have you been working again?
Sister: Less than a year. Saka si mama nakakapagod e. Nagda-drama nanaman sa pera.
Hanne: Imagine me, I've been working 5 years and lahat kayo simula umpisa walang bukambibig kungdi pera.

The say they're tired. Well I'm also tired. Am I stopping? No. Am I slowing down? No. I said I don't want any promotion for the next 3-4 years. Then again, I'm seriously thinking of doubling my salary by heading off to Malaysia as consultant.

Cousin: I saw your post in multiply. Nag-resign ka na ba?
Hanne: Yes.
Cousin: Paano yan? Ano new work mo?
Hanne: Wala. Bum. Gusto ko maging bum.
Cousin: Ganun? Paano na kayo?
Hanne: E kapatid ko nga wala pang isang taon pagod na daw mag work e. Magulang ko nga walang work for the past 15 years e. Sa lagay sila lang pwede maging bum? Kelangan ng equality. So ako din.

No one in my family knows I've a new job. Not yet anyway. I didn't want to tell them. I want them to feel some sort of panic. "Tama, isipin niyo. Paano nalang pag wala nang dinadalang pera si Hanne?! Gumalaw naman kayo!"

Then again, that's beyond the point. Fact is, I feel like my life is just one long list of tick boxes. And I'm awfully tired of ticking on them boxes one by one.

Now, I'd do what I want because I want to. Not because it's part of my well thought out plan. Someone told me it's insane, my plans of not having any valid and solid plan. I told him, there's beauty in my insanity. There is. Really.

Capricorn Lady - An Ode To Myself

The Capricorn Lady gave birth to four daughters. Each different from the next, yet all daughters of the Lady herself.

Capricorn Daughter of the East, fiery and careless.

She evokes unknown emotions from the beings around her. Men gravitate towards her and like a moth drawn into the light they burn to miniscule ashes reminiscent of Icarus and his waxen wings. And she'd relished their demise.

Capricorn daughter of the North, strong and formidable.

She dominated the mountains with her liquid eyes. Men can’t do nothing but obey her every command and she built legions after legions of followers who believed that in her rests the entire world for their taking. And she too believed this victory.

Capricorn daughter of the West, gentle and silent.

She stood behind her mother and sisters, watching each step they take, taking care of their every need. Men asked for her marriage left and right wishing to make a wife out her pure and sensible beauty. And she kept silent all through it all.

Capricorn daughter of the South, loving and wise.

She watched from the highest peak as her sisters conquered every part of the land. She stood above them in deep thought, delighting in the infinite ideas and thoughts presented to her by each waking day as she followed their every move. Men could only wish to see her shadow and bask in its solid, tangible sensibilities. And she bowed lower for she understand she learns through them.

The Capricorn Lady looks into the sky, how is it possible that they all came from her when she’s all but none of what they represent?

I Love You, Bitch~!

We're a weird group when you see us. It was fairly okay seeing me with May, BJ, Randy, Iska and Rei before. But seeing me with Hernan and Penny...a motley crew. It just seems like we don't belong in the same group - at all.

One thing though that bonded us is our senseless abandon for honesty. If you wanna hear it as it is then we're the friends you need. We never sugarcoat our words just because we don't want to hurt our friend's feelings. We're actually here to hurt each other so badly s/he won't be able to recover. Nah, just a joke

Really though, they were my buddies who were honest enough to tell me what no one is brave enough to tell me...and that includes my various "mistakes" on men, career and even my weight.

We can joke about our weaknesses and we can laugh at each other's misery. We're mean bitches but we're loving it.

Hernan to Hanne: When are you gonna learn? You're letting your crotch do the thinking.
Hanne to Hernan: You're the biggest parasite there is. Look at your tummy!
Penny to Hernan: You're a flirt. He's not even cute.
Penny to Hanne: Go play with him if that would make you happy.
Hanne to Penny: So we go to Clark, you go gerger and I have kopi with *zipit*?
Hernan to Penny: Like why should I go with your skinny ass?
Hanne to Hernan: Don't be such a prude! Go get laid.

One day at Starbucks:
Penny: Hanne, you buy us something to eat.
Hanne: What?
Penny: That sausage thingy be ok.
Hanne: Ok. *buys and pays for the sausage roll*
Hernan: Can you please cut the rolls?
Hanne: *takes fork and knife and cuts rolls into pieces*
Penny: Can you make it smaller?
Hanne: *cuts roll into smaller pieces*
Penny: No. No. You're cutting it the wrong way...
Hanne: *grrrr*
Penny and Hernan:

***Kase ayaw pang manlibre ni Hernan!!! Penny, boycott natin to. Let's not feed him anymore.

Mean Hanne

Mean Girl daw ako?

Kasalanan ba yun?

Last Na~

Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling~

I did it. Totoo na. At saka ko na iiisipin ang mga problema na pwedeng maging dulot ng ginawa ko pero sa ngayon ang mahalaga masaya ako.

Pause

I need a break...

Blind Leading The Blind

Almost everyone who matters knows my stories about work already. After all, for the past 4 months, I go through hell every single night and I have to have my support group somehow.

For team about with about a 100 members I’ve been witnessed to one of the biggest attrition rate ever in the business. I thought that the WFM resignation that happened at NCO back 2006 was big enough (1 manager, 1 reports analyst, 2 schedulers and 1 analyst). This time though, for the first quarter alone I know of 1 director, 1 manager, 3 supervisors and 4 schedulers/analysts who had resigned. I’m not even aware if there are others from some of the smaller accounts.

There are 4 workforce managers as of this date. The most tenured one just tendered his resignation a few hours back. At 4mos tenure, I’m now most senior based in tenurity. It feels like I’m one blind person leading these 2 blind men into an intricate socio-political maze inside the company. We’re no longer busy about work. We’re just busy dodging the bullets and incurring shots.

The most recent addition to the team just joined us last Monday. Last night he asked for the ex-director’s IM ID. After a few minutes our old director sent me an IM. He said the new manager was asking him what’s wrong in the company and how best to manage it. Before he gave him his pang-Ms.-Universe answer he first told me on chat, “Hinde na ako emplayado. I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE HANNE!”

I told him, maybe they’re (the new ones) feeling the pressure now. Maybe they’re starting to see what’s wrong with the entire set-up and the company. Maybe finally I’m not alone in this reality that seems to have come out of a bad twilight zone episode. Maybe I’m not the only one who sees just how bad and rotten things are.

And maybe, just like J, it’s time for me to leave.

I need that call. Please.