Early Morning

I’ve been up since 2am. My PC’s been running since then. It’s 7.42 am now. I’ve had a late dinner and I’ve downed 2 glasses of instant coffee. I’ve texted my friend about some things that I’ve been planning on doing and I’m trying to decide when’s the right time to head back to the doctor’s office to have my heart checked and my ovaries tested. I’ve the start of a bad headache and I’m heading to work tonight even though it’s a holiday. For the first time in 5 years I can get off on a holiday but decides against it and I still believe I’m not a workaholic.

I can quit but I just love playing the game.

I heard that somewhere. Makes a whole lot of sense for someone who’s been thinking of quitting everything. Got to talk to my aunt yesterday, in between takes of my Grey’s Anatomy Marathon I got to breath things out a bit. It’s not perfect, I still don’t see things the way my aunt sees things but it’s hell a lot better than how the real state of things are at the moment.

Being an adult suck. I told her that sometimes I’m not even sure whether I’m lucky to have been born with this level of understanding or if this would forever be my sole cause of pain and uncertainty. A lot of times I thought I want to be a simpleton. With simple understandings and ideas. But that’s not who I am. I’m as complicated as complicated can be. I love complications and I live to measure and untangle these myriads of disorganized lines and points.

Though sometimes the feeling of quitting seems more viable than having to fight for things I’m not even sure of, I can’t seem to appreciate that something just might be over. Things change. They move. People change. But once it’s over, then what’s left? I don’t want anything to be over now. Not at this point. I only go through things once. And however shitty things maybe and though it might seem like there’s no better option than to drop the ball and let it slide off of streets I gather that’s not really what I want. i don’t want anything to be over until I know I want to let it go.

Right now, I’m not willing to let go of anything. Not yet.

I don’t save people, I don’t change the course of history, I don’t make life changing decisions but I certainly want to have my shot at happiness and freedom. And though it feels like I’m heading towards nowhere I know for a fact that nowhere can be anywhere and this time, I’m not quitting just yet. That nowhere just might be my somewhere.

Being Single

I'm probably the best person to tell you how wonderful it is to be single. There are times though that I think better. Loneliness ain't an easy thing to handle. Just like drugs, it causes you to move around with a clouded head. "Love, I need love."

You know what got me to this position? Yeah, things rarely "just happen" to me. Even epiphanies have their roots from something else. This was brought about by my house hunting trip yesterday and watching Love Actually this morning. I just realized just how much easier things would be if only I'm not alone and actually half of a partnership. A partner's income would help me buy that house I want...and also keep me secured and safe at night.

Yeah, I need a hug.

Quiet Time

Life has been awfully quiet the past 2 weeks. I can’t believe how things turned out the moment I decided to let go of T*. Now I know I can’t work for a company that I can’t respect, even when everyone keeps telling me I can just do it for the money. No amount of money can buy my sanity and pride. Hahaha~

Moving to a new company was a good move I think. I am yet to see how things would fare on my stay here but so far it’s been good. I haven’t actually gone around being my usual Ms. Friendly self but that’s only because I’m loving what I do more than socializing. Yep, you heard that right. I actually like that I’ve my hands full with reports and studies and whatnots as opposed to me having an entire battalion of analysts at my disposal. If I’m a farmer, I’d rather be the one toiling the soil.

Hard work means a lot to me. And I’m happy I’m given the chance to prove how capable I am. I’m done with negotiations and meetings and business reviews. Well, maybe not, but I won’t be heading the table. I’d be working for someone who’s heading the team. Ah, the glory of having your director within the same continent and not just a voice you hear on the speakerphone, just like Charlie’s.

I’m also doing a lot of thinking lately. I’m turning 27 this year. At this age my mom has got 2 kids already. I thought, I might not be married with kids as I initially planned for ages ago but I won’t be a bummer either. So I’m getting my life on track, sooner than later and hopefully I’d be able to set the wheels in motion this year. Wish me luck.

To everyone who’s interested enough to read what I’ve got to say, I wish you happiness in all possible avenues. Smile.

Heaven Help Me

Last week I started getting toothaches, I decided to head to the dentist (without waiting for my HMO card) last Saturday because it's been far too inconvenient for me to pop a paint killer every 6 hours or so. I can't function with a toothache damn it!

So there, I found out I MIGHT need to undergo a root canal soon. MIGHT because the dentist told me to watch and wait for 5 days if the pain would go. Guess what? Second day's almost over and it's still hurting.

My tolerance for pain is really, really low. Needles scares the hell out of me and until now I can't look at one (kahit ten thousand times na akong nakukuhanan ng dugo) without cringing. How I managed to think I want to get tattoos is well out of my comprehension.

After having the laser treatment on my armpits and the sympathy bikini wax I did for "friendship" I thought I can handle anything. Well, I'm afraid I spoke too soon cos the thought of drilling into my tooth to take out my nerves is causing my heart to skip a beat or two.

So if you see me cranky the next few days, let me off the hook quickly. Toothache ain't a joke.

Picture taken from Wikipedia.

Old Fashion Tiangge

I haven't been to Greenhills in such a long, long time. Sure, it was just over 7-8 months ago when I was last there with Penny, but we were running around so fast we were done in half an hour or so. The previous visit prior to that was years ago.

So when I asked my sister to go there, I was thrilled when she chirped a yes. Unfortunately, I found out she's got other plans of going there. Read: Buy a Nintendo DS Light. Grr~ Geekfest ain't my thing at the moment, no plans of heading to the PC parts area. But I thought I would at least be an excuse to go with her, she can head wherever and I can head to the tiangge as always.

With her boyfriend on tow we managed to lift our asses off of the couch and head out. I was sooooo much in a hurry I even forgot to change slippies. Yes, I went all the way to Greenhills wearing my pambahay slippies. Oh well, no one noticed I guess. Or if they did, I didn't care. It matches my top anyways.

We were planning on taking our separate ways but when her ATM wouldn't cough out her much needed cash I had to loan her and in return she'd be my alalay for the day. Yipee~ Unfotunately, the trip tp the geek store took longer, I managed to go around and ask for the price of portable HDs. Awwwwww~ I want one, I want one. Grrrr~ Unfortunately, they're not included in my budget. Maybe I go buy one of 'em cuties on my first pay.

After buying her "toy" I asked them if they're ready. I'm giving myself an hour to scour the main tiangge area. At 2.30pm I told 'em, "Are you ready? Brace yourselves. Just follow me and when I hand my bag over hawakan niyo lang and I need to fit whatever. Game? Let's go."

45 minutes into my "game" my sister kept on mumbling, "Gutom na ako!" Grrrr~ "15 more minutes."

One hour was all it took. I got myself a white long sleeved blouse, a black 3/4 sleeved blouse, a pink off shoulder shirt, 2 pekpek shorts and a tailored black jacket. Heaven.

Then I asked them where they wanna eat. Of course they gave me a collective look of anything-other-than-fastfood. So I dragged them to the promenade. Tough luck, they asked me to go somewhere a bit cheaper. Ok, ok. So we walked around a bit. Actually, about 20 steps away I dragged them back, "Dadagdagan ko nalang pera niyo, dito nalang tayo at ayaw ko na maglakad. Tender Bob's ok? or Penang Hills?"

So Bob got the bill. Heaven again.

Now I'm home feeling all nice and warm. Thinking, what's next? I've big plans coming up, I hope I'd have everything I need to make them into my happy reality.

Tick Box

My life seems to have countless tick boxes from the start and heaven knows when it will end.

Dimples? Check. Black, straight hair? Check. Above average IQ? Check. Private Catholic School upbringing? Check. University education? Check. Driver's License? Check. Bank Accounts? Check. Credit cards? Check. Good Job? Check. Above average salary? Check.

So when Ryan and I were texting last night on my 3rd day into my new job I can't help but feel exhausted. Add to that my conversations with my sister and cousin the day before.

Hanne: I don't use myTOTO e. So I can come and go as I want.
Ryan: Wala kang sched sa myTOTO? Ang daya!!! Ump!
Hanne: I asked my Director e, she said no need since I'm Manager already.
Ryan: Di ba dun kinukuha ang payroll hours? Pano yun? Sarap ng buhay mo!
Hanne: Dati pa namang ganun e. Since naging non-agent ako. Siguro automatic sweldo ko.
Ryan: Iba talaga ang higher ops. Magaling, magaling, magaling! Wag ka nang lumipat ng company, lumipat ka nalang ng account. Hehehe~
Hanne: Ayaw ko na magka-account tayo. Saka hinde pa ako comfortable e. Lost pa rin madalas.
Ryan: Kaya mo yan, ikaw pa. Sanay na sanay ka sa promotion e.
Hanne: Sanay? Kaya nga ayaw muna magpa-promote, papahinga muna.
Ryan: Kaya yan, dapat next year site director ka na, ako taga-bili mo ng kape.

Good job? Check. First promotion? Check. Higher position? Check. Higher salary package? Check. Higher position? Check. Promotion again? Check.

Hanne: Kawawa ka pag magkasama tayo ng account.
Ryan: Bakit naman? E may friend na akong upper management?
Hanne: Kase I'd push you. I'd push you hard, Six months dapat promoted ka na.
Ryan: Onga e. Feeling ko nakakatakot ka sa work.
Hanne: Err, feeling ko isa ako sa pinakamabait na tao sa work.

Can work alone without supervision? Check. Can work in small groups? Check. Can lead and motivate a small team? Check. Can train a small group of new hires? Check. Can lead and manage a large team? Check.

Ryan: Manonood kame ng Pyrolympics mamaya. Di ba gusto mo yun? Sama ka!
Hanne: Pagod ako e.
Ryan: Camiguin kame sa August pero bibili na ng tickets. Dun nalang ikaw sumama.
Hanne: Pass muna, nag-iipon ako.

I've been working since March 2003. I've been to 6 different companies since then. I've held 8 different positions in that period of time, 6 of which are promotions with pay increase.

Sister: Ate magreresign na ako. Papahinga muna ako ng one month.
Hanne: Bakit? Pagod ka na? Sayang naman, laki ng komisyon mo dyan no!
Sister: Natatamad na ako e.
Hanne: How long have you been working again?
Sister: Less than a year. Saka si mama nakakapagod e. Nagda-drama nanaman sa pera.
Hanne: Imagine me, I've been working 5 years and lahat kayo simula umpisa walang bukambibig kungdi pera.

The say they're tired. Well I'm also tired. Am I stopping? No. Am I slowing down? No. I said I don't want any promotion for the next 3-4 years. Then again, I'm seriously thinking of doubling my salary by heading off to Malaysia as consultant.

Cousin: I saw your post in multiply. Nag-resign ka na ba?
Hanne: Yes.
Cousin: Paano yan? Ano new work mo?
Hanne: Wala. Bum. Gusto ko maging bum.
Cousin: Ganun? Paano na kayo?
Hanne: E kapatid ko nga wala pang isang taon pagod na daw mag work e. Magulang ko nga walang work for the past 15 years e. Sa lagay sila lang pwede maging bum? Kelangan ng equality. So ako din.

No one in my family knows I've a new job. Not yet anyway. I didn't want to tell them. I want them to feel some sort of panic. "Tama, isipin niyo. Paano nalang pag wala nang dinadalang pera si Hanne?! Gumalaw naman kayo!"

Then again, that's beyond the point. Fact is, I feel like my life is just one long list of tick boxes. And I'm awfully tired of ticking on them boxes one by one.

Now, I'd do what I want because I want to. Not because it's part of my well thought out plan. Someone told me it's insane, my plans of not having any valid and solid plan. I told him, there's beauty in my insanity. There is. Really.

Capricorn Lady - An Ode To Myself

The Capricorn Lady gave birth to four daughters. Each different from the next, yet all daughters of the Lady herself.

Capricorn Daughter of the East, fiery and careless.

She evokes unknown emotions from the beings around her. Men gravitate towards her and like a moth drawn into the light they burn to miniscule ashes reminiscent of Icarus and his waxen wings. And she'd relished their demise.

Capricorn daughter of the North, strong and formidable.

She dominated the mountains with her liquid eyes. Men can’t do nothing but obey her every command and she built legions after legions of followers who believed that in her rests the entire world for their taking. And she too believed this victory.

Capricorn daughter of the West, gentle and silent.

She stood behind her mother and sisters, watching each step they take, taking care of their every need. Men asked for her marriage left and right wishing to make a wife out her pure and sensible beauty. And she kept silent all through it all.

Capricorn daughter of the South, loving and wise.

She watched from the highest peak as her sisters conquered every part of the land. She stood above them in deep thought, delighting in the infinite ideas and thoughts presented to her by each waking day as she followed their every move. Men could only wish to see her shadow and bask in its solid, tangible sensibilities. And she bowed lower for she understand she learns through them.

The Capricorn Lady looks into the sky, how is it possible that they all came from her when she’s all but none of what they represent?

I Love You, Bitch~!

We're a weird group when you see us. It was fairly okay seeing me with May, BJ, Randy, Iska and Rei before. But seeing me with Hernan and Penny...a motley crew. It just seems like we don't belong in the same group - at all.

One thing though that bonded us is our senseless abandon for honesty. If you wanna hear it as it is then we're the friends you need. We never sugarcoat our words just because we don't want to hurt our friend's feelings. We're actually here to hurt each other so badly s/he won't be able to recover. Nah, just a joke

Really though, they were my buddies who were honest enough to tell me what no one is brave enough to tell me...and that includes my various "mistakes" on men, career and even my weight.

We can joke about our weaknesses and we can laugh at each other's misery. We're mean bitches but we're loving it.

Hernan to Hanne: When are you gonna learn? You're letting your crotch do the thinking.
Hanne to Hernan: You're the biggest parasite there is. Look at your tummy!
Penny to Hernan: You're a flirt. He's not even cute.
Penny to Hanne: Go play with him if that would make you happy.
Hanne to Penny: So we go to Clark, you go gerger and I have kopi with *zipit*?
Hernan to Penny: Like why should I go with your skinny ass?
Hanne to Hernan: Don't be such a prude! Go get laid.

One day at Starbucks:
Penny: Hanne, you buy us something to eat.
Hanne: What?
Penny: That sausage thingy be ok.
Hanne: Ok. *buys and pays for the sausage roll*
Hernan: Can you please cut the rolls?
Hanne: *takes fork and knife and cuts rolls into pieces*
Penny: Can you make it smaller?
Hanne: *cuts roll into smaller pieces*
Penny: No. No. You're cutting it the wrong way...
Hanne: *grrrr*
Penny and Hernan:

***Kase ayaw pang manlibre ni Hernan!!! Penny, boycott natin to. Let's not feed him anymore.

Mean Hanne

Mean Girl daw ako?

Kasalanan ba yun?

Last Na~

Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling~

I did it. Totoo na. At saka ko na iiisipin ang mga problema na pwedeng maging dulot ng ginawa ko pero sa ngayon ang mahalaga masaya ako.

Pause

I need a break...

Blind Leading The Blind

Almost everyone who matters knows my stories about work already. After all, for the past 4 months, I go through hell every single night and I have to have my support group somehow.

For team about with about a 100 members I’ve been witnessed to one of the biggest attrition rate ever in the business. I thought that the WFM resignation that happened at NCO back 2006 was big enough (1 manager, 1 reports analyst, 2 schedulers and 1 analyst). This time though, for the first quarter alone I know of 1 director, 1 manager, 3 supervisors and 4 schedulers/analysts who had resigned. I’m not even aware if there are others from some of the smaller accounts.

There are 4 workforce managers as of this date. The most tenured one just tendered his resignation a few hours back. At 4mos tenure, I’m now most senior based in tenurity. It feels like I’m one blind person leading these 2 blind men into an intricate socio-political maze inside the company. We’re no longer busy about work. We’re just busy dodging the bullets and incurring shots.

The most recent addition to the team just joined us last Monday. Last night he asked for the ex-director’s IM ID. After a few minutes our old director sent me an IM. He said the new manager was asking him what’s wrong in the company and how best to manage it. Before he gave him his pang-Ms.-Universe answer he first told me on chat, “Hinde na ako emplayado. I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE HANNE!”

I told him, maybe they’re (the new ones) feeling the pressure now. Maybe they’re starting to see what’s wrong with the entire set-up and the company. Maybe finally I’m not alone in this reality that seems to have come out of a bad twilight zone episode. Maybe I’m not the only one who sees just how bad and rotten things are.

And maybe, just like J, it’s time for me to leave.

I need that call. Please.

Because You Asked

Note: Just because someone asked me to write about "this".

I remember how you first started it. A simple compliment that went directly to the obvious, just a plain comment on how good we'd probably look side by side in bed. I knew that moment I won't ever be in bed with you with clothes on, it'll always be naked. The term "always" was just a figure of speech back then until the next meeting when the electricity was too tangible I can almost touch it - touch you.

We played it cool. Playing everything cool gave you the opportunity to come closer and me the chance to relax. I became relaxed when you first took my hand outside the SC parking lot on our way to our chance. We handled everything well, we were a cool bunch. Cool and in heat.

I appreciate the care you took in taking my clothes off, each touch almost in perfect sync to what I wanted at that singular moment. I loved the fact that your first few kisses were sweet and tentative, almost awaiting for my response. I was amazed at how well you read my body that first night, it felt like hours when in fact it wasn't.

The next encounters were the same only better. Sometimes fiery, sometimes playful but almost always played as I wanted. Almost always. We haven't really gotten past the power struggle in bed. You don't pin my arms down as much and I let you have the lower lip. Sounds good. Not always though, you still have that manly side of you and really, it's okay.

My greatest surprise though after the fact that you almost can read me to a dot is that you listen. You made me feel that I'm not just warm body but a co-conspirator.

My first attempt on sex was about exploration. Learning the hows and whats. It was about the act of making love. My second attempt was about giving. The drive to satisfy one's partner as needed and the journey to knowing how to give pleasure. The third, this time, was about myself. You gave me the chance to receive and be pleased, with every kiss, every stroke, with every convulsing muscle in my body...I knew I am on the receiving end as well. There was nothing romantic about it, it's rather selfish. Selfish but becoming.

Missing

Conversations:

Hanne: Hay...I dunno, Brian. For one...I'd prolly be the saHanne if I'm a wife and that’s why I don’t want to be one.
Hanne: I'm too praning...women are like that.
Brian: Well…
Hanne: And that's also one reason why I don’t wanna fall for anyone, worthy or unworthy (susHanne) chances are I'd go nuts with worry.
Brian: Can't people have relationships without any strings attached?
Hanne: They can. There are also no feelings involved.
Brian: Like friends na madikit lang?
Hanne: Pwede...pero un nga... love is the most selfish of all emotions.
Brian: That I have to agree with.
Hanne: it is...

Penny: Why have 2 phones? You're an SE person and I'm a Samsung person.
Hanne: It's like having boyfriends. You keep one for your loyalty and you have another one to show off.

Hernan: Honestly though, don’t you miss being able to feel that about and say that to someone?
Hanne: I do and I still wanna end up with someone. Pero unless I'm 100% sure that that person deserves such...then wag nalang. Half baked feelings and loyalty ain't for me.
Hernan: Oh well dreaming about it is as far as I’m going at the moment.
Hanne: See...
Hanne: I dont think anyone would make me commit at the moment.

Honestly though, I miss having that someone Hernani's referring to. Unfortunately, i haven't gotten over the fact that men do cheat however much they love you. I should know, I've found myself on the other end of the fence several times. And sometimes, it go way past the physical, that's the scary bit of it. When it happens, it never goes. The pain remains. And the cheating continues. Unfortunately, though I won't blame my fear on karma, I am aware that such things happen and I'm just not willing to put myself in that position. Maybe not yet.

I'm still hoping though that one day, that guy who'd choose me would come...and I won't be able to say no to him at all.

Back

The birthday girl asked me to open this thing up again. I've been in hiding for so long it took me several tries to remember what's my username and password for this account. I had so many blogs I can't remember which is which.

So will I be back for good? I don't know. I kinda like the anonymity my new blog gave me BUT I've to admit, I miss being myself. It's different when I can actually say my name and post links to my friend's blogs and friendsters and multiply etc.

Whatever. I'd do what I need to do when I feel like doing it. Hahaha~

Birthday girl, here's your wish. The Dreaming Insomniac is once again open...with all the crappy archives...malamang isang malaking eww lang masasabi ko when I backread.

Enjoy~