Just Reading

Since I'm in a very unsteady state at the moment and I don't want to trigger Rsii's tears by writing something we agree on at the moment...Well, I was reading ramdon pages on Yahoo and I saw this.

Are Women Too Aggressive?

Posted by David Zinczenko

"With marriage rates dropping faster than ratings for The Apprentice-we're down more than 50 percent since 1970, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, with approximately 100 million singles in the U.S.-it's no wonder that we spend a lot of time thinking, talking and debating the quality of our relationships."

"One reason: Many of these relationships simply aren't panning out, as evidenced by the fact that fewer men and women are getting married. Doesn't matter whose fault it is-men's, women's, or nobody's. We're just simply not making it to this stage of commitment as often as we used to. "

"Now, you could argue that's a good thing (because, of course, you shouldn't settle in with just anyone), and you could argue that it's a bad thing (because of the decline in the traditional familial infrastructure). But one thing worth thinking about is how our dating and mating rituals have changed over the years-and how that's changed our approach to commitment."

"One trend that men have been grappling with: Figuring out their roles in relationships as women have become increasingly financially independent, increasingly sexually liberated, and increasingly determined not to let their biological clocks dictate their relationship status. Before you hurl e-tomatoes in my direction, hear me out: All those things can be good, but some men struggle with understanding the different levels of female aggression-how it may fluctuate at different stages of the relationship, and how it can be a turn-on in some situations and a turn-off in others."

Read entire story here.

This brought me to Aian's question to this other girl: Now, for the $64 question: Do you really need a man in your life? As in right now?

I, of course, answered in behalf..."Ako sasagot. HINDE. Pero isipin ninyo, baka kaya wala kayong SO, you just don't feel you need one. Ewan ko, minsan nararamdaman ko yun e."

Yun na nga!

Drowning

Maybe it's just the weather.

Or some unlikely stories I heard.

Maybe it was me.

Or maybe, it was meant to be...

A Burst In A Day

Hernan and I planned on meeting up early at the mall yesterday, Sunday. I had a to-do list longer than the receipt I got from all the food we ate that day.

Brunch at Mexicali wasn't as fun as I expected. I ended up handing the other half of my meal over to Hernan who ate every last piece. Sure beats having a boyfriend who's a garbage cleaner. He can do it with more finesse. Hahaha~Yah, and you're getting fat my Hernani ;p

Then we went around looking for the perfect cut-off jeans. Which to my dismay, doesn't seem to exist in this plane of reality. C'mon people, not every other girl wants her butt crack showing from behind. Mine was all over the place when I tried things on and I wasn't even bending. And I thought I've got no butt. Darn killer jeans.

When we finally decided to go see a movie, we were torn between several choices. We ended up with 300...which I totally loved. Mwahahaha~ I never thought I'd ever say this but they look so darn sexy. I was never a fan of muscled men, if you'd run over the short dossier of men I liked, just about everyone's as skinny and lean as hell (well, prolly except for papa hawaiian...). So when I ended up drolling over the rippling muscles of those Spartans...okay, let's stop there. Wahahaha, basta masaya kame ni Hernani. He kept on saying he'd like to be trapped in a room with those 300 men. I said, over my dead body, I'm coming with him. Of course, we'd have to find out whether they prefer women or gay men. Pano ba 'to Hernan, pagandahan nalang? Blech. Wah, ang highschool ko.

After the movie we went ahead and did a check on the other stores we haven't been to just to see if by some miracle we find a not so low rise cut-offs I've been wanting. Imagine the look on my face when I ended up with a denim mini skirt. Impulsive, impulsive. And I honestly think Kait would give me the look once she finds out I almost shelled a grand for a skirt that used the same amount of fabric as 2 hankies sewn together. Pero I look cute e ;p

Then we went off to look for shoes. I saw this really grand white sandals with 4" heels on P 'r P and I fell in love with it. But I was a bit hesitant since I just threw half of my stilettos away. Yes, I THREW my STILETTOS away. I left behind 3, a white one, a brown one and a bronze one. You might be thinking I'm doing a Britney here but it's really just practical. MRT ain't the place to wear stilettos. So I decided to put the 4 inchie white lovelies back and went around looking for more. Hernan ended up choosing a white pointy shoe for me *insert wide eyed look here* with an inch of heel. Yes, a pointy (which I swore I'd never wear) and an incher (I never thought I'd settle for anything short of a killer). He did say it made me look so "professional"...Hmmm...Now I want to buy a new skirt to show off my new shoes. Ahhhhhh, impulsive, impulsive. I'd do that next weekend. Hehehehe~

After the really breezy shopping session, we decided to head off to ABS-CBN since Hernan has work later that everning and just chilled at Bux. Chris and Onats were there so I had fun ordering and stuff. Masarap mangulit ng Baristas! Having "the talk" was quite comforting especially since we've long forgotten that "the talks" are commonly about men. Well, aside from overly gushing about those darn sexy Spartans, we didn't mention any other guy's name. Which I think is good. That means I'm not in trouble. For now. I think. Great!

I guess Sunday was a good day. Now I go back to Monday. *sigh*

And BTW, Hernani ate half of my sausage roll at Bucky's...you're getting fat! Mwahahaha *peace*

Where's Harry?

Sally: Could you come over?

Harry: What's the matter?

Sally: He's getting married.

Harry: Who?

Sally: Joe.

Harry: I'll be right there.

(Sally opens the door for Harry, she is covered in tears.)

Sally: Hi.

Harry: Are you alright?

Sally: Come on in.

(Harry closes the door behind him.)

Sally: I'm sorry to call you so late.

Harry: It's alright.

Sally: I need a Kleenex.

Harry: OK.

Sally: OK?

(They walk into Sally's bedroom.)

Sally: He just called me up 'wanted to see how you were', fine. 'How are you?', fine. His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up and he's got a big case to do, blah blah blah. And I'm sitting on the phone I'm thinking, I'm over him, I really am over him. I can't believe that I'd ever be remotely interested in any of that.

And then he said I have some news. She works in his office, she's a paralegal, her name is Kimberley. (Sob, Sob.)

He just met her. She's suppose to be his transitional person, she's not suppose to be the one. All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get married, but the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.

Harry: If you could take him back right now, would you?

Sally: No, but why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?

Harry: Aw, nothing.

Sally: I'm difficult.

Harry: You're challenging.

Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.

Harry: But in a good way.

Sally: No, no, no I drove him away, and I'm going to be forty.

Harry: When?

Sally: Someday.


***

I hate weddings and I love weddings. I hate family affairs and I love family affairs. I hate meeting new people and I love meeting new friends.

Last night I went to work trying to psych myself for the possibly long night ahead. I tried to put on my best smile and walked my most spring-y strut. That was too much I guess because Myleen saw me and gushed, "You're so pretty talaga. Ang ganda mong bata. Gosh! Ang ganda mo! May boyfriend ka?"

She should've have stopped on the first line and I would've been able to keep the smile posted a bit longer.

"Nope."

"Dating?"

"Nope."

"Gusto mo hanapan kita? Sayang ang ganda mo. Gusto mo?"

Not wanting to offend the head of the account I'm handling all I was able to say was, "Sige, basta na screen mo na ok sa akin."

It's bad enough you feel like no one really likes you. Things just turns a lot worse when you realize that there are guys out there who likes me...but...

Then you'd go back to the men you did like. And I ask the same question that Sally asked, "No, but why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?"

Maybe, I too, am horrible. Or maybe...

Star Power

Daily Overview for March 10, 2007
Provided by Astrology.com	Daily Extended Forecast

Quickie:
Stay optimistic today -- someone may need you to spread some cheer.

Overview:
You've come so far and so fast that you have the urge to rest. Buck up! You can see it through 'til the end. Feeling out of your element is normal, but you wouldn't have been given this opportunity if you weren't ready.


***

Who said I'm ready? I've got something new...other than what's obviously new/ And it's radically different.

Happy Hormones Overload

I finally decided to go get my company ID. So after my 3 hour gym session yesterday with Glenn I texted Paul to ask if I could come in an hour later so I could head out a bit later since the PBCom office would open at 8am.

It was fun waking up later than usual, as always. Went to work as I'd normally do but realized I don't like the last few trips on MRT, it's much too crowded. Also, I arrived 30 minutes earlier than expected, so there's no point in adjusting my schedule really. I was a bit panicky at the start of the shift and I dunno why. I was not sure if the butterflies inside my tummy was because of work or if I'm coming up with something. So I dragged myself to Starbucks which is like ten thousand miles away. I went back feeling more sick. Hahaha~


Then Arjae texted and asked if I could meet him up again. I was more than happy to oblige, after all, I don't have Penny or Hernani to have dinner with. He picked me up a little after midnight. I actually was waiting for Timmy to reply, I sent him a message an hour or so before to tell him Arjae's coming by again and maybe he can join us. I didn't get any reply so I went ahead alone. He just drove around and parked at McDo/Shell near Emerald (?). I wanted to tell him to keep on moving but I decided I'd never see Pat there at that hour anyway so I guess the coast is clear for the ghost of my christmas past. Wekwek. I was wrong though. Arjae apparently brought our old gradeschool photos. Class photos. And y'know what? I was haunted by the image that I saw. I was hideous. Wahahaha~ So we had dinner, well, he did, since my tummy was still not feeling nice then and dropped me back at work.

When I got back I have gazillions of messages waiting for me. One was from Timmy who replied 2 hours late. I got a message from Randell and Dylan. Then I had a short chat with PaoG and Orange. Work was almost non-existent inside my head. It was just swimming around. Must be because I slept way past my bedtime yesterday because of gym and I had to spend an extra hour browsing through artbeads.com to order my charms.

I swear, one of these days Kait and I would get into something really expensive and we'd both end up ordering whatever online, pay via credit and ship 'em across the Pacific. Ohhh~ Hope we could afford that. I'd go order that half a million watch from Technomarine encrusted with real diamonds. I swear!

By 5.30am I was itching to leave work. Penny texted me and said they're (and Hernani) at Bux having kopi. I got so green with envy that I snatched my bag and almost ran towards MRT. Thank you MRT, we're bestfriends now! I spent an hour there but it did me more good than one could imagine. I was just happy to be back in my element. Something I haven't felt for quite sometime.

After that interlude I took a cab and raced towards Makati. I was actually late. The traffic was too much, there were 4 other people who were in queue for the ID booth and by the time I arrived at my meeting place with Kait, I was 30 minutes late already. Though I don't want her to be late from her meeting with her mom afterwards I decided that we'd have more time and privacy to play catch up if we take the cab rather than the LRT. And so we did. You could say that EDSA is just not long enough for that ride. Bitin e. Hehehe~ Hope we could head out soon again. Though we talk on chat daily naman, it's different pa rin when you get to spend time together and talk face to face and do things together...like normal bestfriends? Hahaha~ Well, we're not normal I guess, we're fabulously exceptional! *wink-wink* *nudge-nudge*

Short Lived

So the "happy hormones" left me way ahead of time. I thought I'd at least have 24 hours to feel really good about myself. Too bad when I got up this afternoon I was back to my old self. Darn.

Taking The Wheel

I'd have to admit that the past few weeks have been really hard for me. Though the new job is a welcome change and though the people I work with are just pleasantly awesome, I still feel out of whack somehow.

It's like walking for the first time. You just have no control over your limbs and your walk is just never straight. I was like that...until now! For the first time since I started here I felt like I got to accomplish something. I did the schedules by myself, the committed and the final shells. Great! It's no big feat I know, but I'm extremely happy. Hopefully, I'd lose my staggered pace soon. I really am not comfortable in this set up. I have to be in control. It has to happen really, really soon.

Also, I've been getting non-stop messages from highschool and gradeschool friends. After 2 of my high school buddies contacted me out of the blue, a grade school classmate texted me too. Upon finding out we work within the same area, he asked if I could meet up with him. I did. I had coffee with him and I enjoyed it immensely, much to my surprise. Y'see, we were never really friends. We don't get along back in grade school. And as he said, I was the class nerd. Much to his surprise though he saw a different me. So, anyone who won't believe me when I say I used to be a dork, go talk to him. He'd tell you just how icky I was.

Kait and I have been drooling over these charms online. Hopefully soon we'd be able to meet up and have some custom charms made. Ang arte namin noh? Hahaha~ Kelan kaya yun Kait? Nuninuninuninu.

When Not To Ask

I was browsing through the stations this morning while having my breakfast when I saw this Tyra episode about conjoined twins. One hispanic twins were conjoined from the waist down, they have 2 sets of upper torso but only a pair of legs. Each girl controlling a leg.

Moments like this one makes me forget just how rotten I'm currently feeling. Though all I want right now is to act like a baby and cry for a thousand different reasons I hold myself. Moments like this one makes me remember, I should never ask why.

Life Partner

Just an old, old email I dug out of my vast collection of saved files.

Thu, 8 Aug 2002 16:27:19 -0700 (PDT)

I've always said that before you can completely and selflessly love someone you must love yourself completely first. If you have no or little love for yourself what can you hope to give others? Your partner in life is not there to complete you but rather to complement you. He is not there to fill in the missing parts of you but rather to show you another version of who you can be.

It maybe that the reason you're not having an easy time in this relationship is because you may be unconsciously wishing that he would take you away from your issues or at least give you a respite from them. A true partner should be someone who can help you to love yourself so that you may handle your issues in a better way, making you whole again in the end.

Is he the one? Are you loving yourself more because of him?

Think about this.

***Note: Me? Issues? Ohhh, I've got tons. Who wants to clean the skeletons inside my closet? They're all chemically preserved. Blech~

Is It Safe To Assume...

Roughly 7 hours from now, I'd be dressing to kill. Literally dressing to kill myself as I head to work. And I honestly, honestly thought the new job would help me get out of the rut. Guess what...I'm still tired. I can still feel the tension in my muscles. I can still hear the whispers in my head. And I can still picture myself gone. Gone meaning away. Yes, I want to run away from it all. Everything. Just to turn my back and run.

Could be the hormones talking. Sabi nga ni boss, tumitira ako ng estrogen. Well, actually it's an anti-androgen pill sweetie.

What's worse is that I was not able to anticipate the amount of control I'd need not to feel like I'm "withdrawing". It's seems like I'm going through one hell of a time detoxifying myself from everything that used to matter in my life. It's not anywhere near easy, I tell you. It's like having an insatiable urge to do something or say something over and over again because you'd hope that each time you do would be the last, but you just can't stop.

Is it now safe to assume I'm losing my head? Where's that paper bag I wanted on my head again?!

Nothing Into Something

Hypothetical question: Am I really sabotaging myself?

Maybe not so hypothetical ;p

The Best Things

I now have another absolute favorite thing to do.

MRT rides at dawn. Wonderful.

Other favorite things:
- Walk around the UP oval at dawn. The sunken garden looks like fairyland with the early morning fog and the acacia trees are just magnificent.
- Long drives at night. You get lost while on a long night trip. It's like a trance really.
- Cab rides in the middle of the night. This one's better than the long drives since you don't even need to pay attention to anything. Staring out the window at night as the city passes by is just...calming.
- Finding the perfect pair of shoes. Exhilirating.
- A hug.
- Snuggling under the covers one rainy morning.

And Now She's Leaving?

Unbelievable!

The sole reason why I finally pushed myself to leave is also leaving. If I knew that...Well...I really can't tell if I would've stayed. Then again, maybe I'd be able to, at the very least, enjoy my last few days the more.

Hinde rin pala niya kinaya. And if she thinks she won the battle because I bailed out ahead of time, she's wrong. I'd follow her around for as long as I want. I have to find out where she's headin. Maybe some of my contacts can help me. After all, I was able to track down 4 out of the countless women Pat hid from me...I'm sure I can find one Bakeks! *evil laugh*

Out of the Way

I went all the way to RMH from IBM just to have coffee with friends. Yep, that's me. If for other people the line out of sight, out of mind works, with me it's not even considered an excuse because you'd always be in sight.

And that's why Hernan and I admittedly announced to each other that we can't deal with LDR relationships. He did say that it seems like I'm practicing it already though. Heck, it might seem that way since I've been nowhere another man for months but once there, I know I won't be able to stay away for so long.

Penny said it's dangerous for me to think of dropping by just for a few minutes at that hour. I told her I used to go to Eastwood or Makati (whether he be home or at work) at 2am just so I could see a jerk and spend time with him, why won't I do it for my friends? Cos really, I can.

Which brings me to the fact that I'm more scared of getting myself into any kind of commitment. My friends, especially Glenn, can attest to the fact that once I made a promise, then it's as good as done. I don't give empty commitments and the fact that sometimes I make decisions based on the current situation just scares the hell outta me the following day...cos I know I'd stick with it til the end, however stupid or unlikely it may seem.

And again, I've been getting the ever famous question, "Are you single?"

Yes I am. And no I've no issues with men. Well, I think I don't. And no, I'm not gay though that's the easiest way to stop any further questioning. And yes, I've had previous relationships. Grabe, I swear, I still sometimes run out of answers to everyone's questions. Ron (RTA Lead) and Mylene (OM) had me started already. Then Caye, short for Cayetano (RTA/reports analysts), had the floor moving this morning. Can I bring a paperbag and just put it on my head? Hahaha~

Ohhhh, I got my shipment from everyday minerals. Yahoo. Aylavit! And my brother bought my old K700i for a very cheap price and for that he gave me another charm for my charm bracelet. How sweet! I now have 5 of them, one from Kait, one from Hernan, one from Paul, one from my bro and one which I got myself...Ang saya!