I've Got Sticky Palms

<> .. says:
e sabi ko sa kanya basta pag nabuntis ako. ang tawag pa rin naman sa kanya ng anak ko e tito. natigilan...

hanne says:
hmmm...

<> .. says:
bakit naman ganyan ang reaction mo?

hanne says:
hinde ko sure kung anong mangyayari sa buhay ko..ang mga anak ninyo salasalabat ang mga magulang. parang isang malaking web of westions ang aking friendships here. pagdating sa anakan and kanaan...

Low

Had a really long dream. Slept really late. Had a really bad dream. Woke up really late.

I tell you, having to go through another bout of having to deal with my Aunt and Pat ain't my thing. Even when it's just a dream, I still feel emotionally dead just because. C'mon, aren't dreams supposed to be pleasant? Oh, that's why we have nightmares...Ugh~

I wish I could head back to that beach. Yeah, I dreamt my Aunt got this monstrosity of a house near the beach and I was with my cousins and I was talking with Nikki Gil (of all people why?) when everyone decided to leave and as I started to walk around looking for a place to eat then I saw Pat. What's up with them? They all kept on comin back to me. Traitor-like. Waaah, my mind is trying to tell me something. I just don't know what. Maybe Nonoy can help. I hope he can help once we see each other this Friday, which btw is something that's left undecided. You can't leave planning anything to men or you'd end up with, "baka sa Friday", "baka sa gabi", "baka kasama siya" as THE plan.

Repost from the Stilettos

I danced the night away. Every single muscle is now screaming with pain and delight. I got more muscles working last night than when I have sex. Of course, both are satisfyingly awesome.

After having gone up the stage when partner and the other guys hoisted me up without consent. I decided to head back to our table and rest a bit. I was watching the dance floor from the balcony when I remembered how I miss dancing with someone.

I miss getting on the beat not of the music but on the rhythmic lashes of another warm body. The eye contact while the lights are flashing the crazy and the occasional whispers amid the blaring music.

I miss the subtle touches. The all too calculated grinding of thighs and legs. The mingling of sweat.

Last time I got to dance like that over a year ago. It was more naughty than innocent...it was bordering sexual.

It would've been a lot better of course if I was able to enjoy the night instead of having my thoughts brought back to someone else back then. Someone who apparently can't remember I was waiting for him to answer his darn freakin cellphone.

Still, a dance is dance. And a touch is a touch. Dancing with someone's finger inside my pants is better than none.

Adult Content

Hernanione was a bit out of whack lately. He's been thinking a lot about sex. Actually the lack of it. He's now convinced he'd turn into a mini me since he's been saying no to casual encounters for the longest time. Being gay and all he thinks he has the right to be "not" a virgin for such a long time. Hey, turning into me ain't bad is it? Well, he thinks he's "maturing"...Okay, I didn't know I'm mature! Point is, he thinks he's turning into me and I'm not so sure whether he's happy with it or not.

Then I got to talk to sister the other night, and guess what? I'm losing again. Darn. Oh well, I'd rather be a loser than play the same game they're having. Being the other woman just ain't my thing. I was once that, though I didn't know it, and when I finally learned about it I just had to turn my back on the entire thing. Sure as hell feels like shit, how do you think one would feel to be on the other river? Darn. So yeah, I'd prolly be the loser for next few years. Hahaha~ Pramis, kaya ko 'to. Double or nothing. And I don't care if they laugh at me for even thinking I can. I know I can. Sana 'wag kong pagsisihan 'to. Sabi nga ni Hernan, bawal ang bawian.

Just Getting By

I was pushing myself to really get back my groove. All I wanted though was head home and leave my work, undone and in a mess. A part of me hates that of course, I've always been the responsible girl in any group. Heck, I'm the nicest person most of the time in ANY group.

Guess what? I didn't get my groove back but I was coaxing myself to at least be nice enough to finish everything that I could get done by the end of the day. I learned a whole great deal with BP really. Things I never knew I could do with it. What's the use though of learning all these things when I'd be leaving my end of next week? Ugh, ironic.

After work I went to Makati. Yeah, I took a cab. What's new? I can't make myself take the MRT even when Jane told me she'd be taking it with me on her way home. Instead I asked her to take the cab with me and I'd drop her off at Shaw. Wahaha~ I'm hopeless really. Public transport that requires me to be with strangers freaks the hell outta me.

Finally saw Kait. I met up with her and Ali after submitting my requirements. Sayang, as always, kulang ang oras. Plus I feel that I somehow need to be around her for support since I think I made her feel bad the other day because of my blog entry. Hay, we really need to make time. Anyways, I got my Xmas gift and I finally handed her mine. How late! So what!

Also I was thinking (as usual I was daydreaming the entire ride home, i love looooong cab rides) about what Joe said. No one referred to my short stories as "literotica" before. I guess a part of me likes to remember certain things and events but at the same time give it a different meaning just so I won't forget how it was like.

Would you believe that I finally talked to someone who knows who Pat is and I was able to say his name out loud and not worry about getting a "who the hell is that" stare? It feels good. Though he's definitely my most favorite person to hate at the moment (next to Bakeks pala), it feels nice to actually remember that we did have a great time together...well...a coupla days and nights I guess.

Just to make it clear, not all stories here are fiction, and not all of them are entirely non-fiction. Start guessing!

BTW, I'm 70+ entries short of my 1000th entry here. I want something nice to write about on my 1000th blog. Any suggestions?

It's Pulling Me Back

The building was relatively new. A lot of floors were still unoccupied and only a few people lingers way past office hours.

"Just come in, stay at the back of the room. I'd conduct the meeting then I'd send everyone on lunch. Ten minutes. Please."

That's all she needed to hear. She drew in her breath and slowly went inside the boardroom. "Just go straight to back, don't look at them." She thought.

"Everyone, this is my friend, she'd be staying for the length of this meeting." He announced unabashedly.

She gave him a defying look which prompted him to walk all the way to the back of room. "Ten minutes, babe." He leaned and whispered.

She really can't tell how long the entire thing lasted. Her mind was drifting in and out of the presentation. Darn he's cute. She almost let a giggle escape. He announced an hour of recess and his entire team filed towards the elevator.

As she was about to enter he pulled her back. "I'd have to go get something. Let's take the next one." Everyone just looked back at them while the elevator doors closed. "I'm going back in, you coming?" He asked.

"I'd wait here." She said.

He kissed her. "I want you to come with me." He was giving her an order she can't refuse.

She nodded softly and followed him back quietly.

Cool Concepts

Here are some concepts brewed when the news of the iPhone came about. Cool noh? Not bad.

Sablay Wish

Since I made a very sablay wish and it seems like there's no point in blaming my fairy godmother nor Santa for it, Rsii was nice enough to take over and make the wishes for me.

Let's see what'll happen. The other Patrick already let me down. Let's see if the new Patrick can wish the right wish for me this time around. Sana hinde ka sablay like me.

Sige, ikaw na bahala sa lalake ko. Come up with Mr. Irresistable and Mr. Charming for me. I'm giving you all my extra wishes and hopefully you'd be able to strike a deal with genie.

What If It Was A Bad Dream?

I've heard all the pop-psychology questions yuppies are digging nowadays. From the glass being half-empty to what a stilettos girl is like to the color of your bedroom. Seems like everything is just so psychological. And I luv it!

Now, I've always maintained one answer to the ever illogical question: If you can go back in time, what would you change? I'd say nothing. No regrets. Probably the only thing I learned from Pat that's of use. Well, not really. Then again, I told myself, there's no point in thinking of the "other" possibility right? I'd just get disappointed over again. No use crying over the past when the future is fast approaching.

Knowing how much I like to indulge myself, of course I'd think of it at least once. At the very least once. So here goes...

If I could go back in time I'd change a dozen things. One of the priorities would be my birth order. Can I please go last? I don't want to be the eldest. That's what screwed everything on the first place. Being the panganay killed it for me. I was like the lab rat of the entire family. Like when they pushed me to celebrate my 18th birthday when I didn't want one but they told me I had to go through with it for whomever ("sige na para sa lola mo", "para kay tita mo", "would you let your mom down?") and I started to hate all of them for it, they decided that was it. No 18th birthday parties for my sister or other cousins. Just me. And that time when they forced me to a University and Degree they want instead of asking me what I want and in turn I dropped out of school, heck, you guess it right, they didn't do to any of my sibs or cousins. Unfortunately, I was the only one who had to endure that. See, so I DON'T want to come out first.

Now, if that ain't possible I'd probably head back to gradeschool and highschool. There I would try my best NOT to be geeky, nerdy girl. No, no, no. That killed my self confidence early on. Sure I can win spelling bees and essay contests, heck, I can join international and national competitions, but in the end, no one cares. Plus, the hard part about being on top is that you've gotta keep yourself up there. Hate it. The climb up is always better than staying on top. OF ANYTHING. Well, almost anything weeeeee~

Then, there's college. I'd still probably head to UP since that's where I started to get my personality. I'd probably still start out with Architecture BUT I'd definitely move to another college and course by my second year. I won't let my family hold me to it. Heck, they're not the one being creamed by Math 53 nor are they the ones computing for all those super stressing engineering problems. What do they know? I'd still end up screwed up apparently. So I won't listen to them.

After that, I'd make sure that I'd NEVER bring any guy at home. Regardless of all the things they told me (that they'd rather meet my suitors than not know who they are, that I can have all boyfriends I want as long as they know them, that I can be free by 18) I just won't. NEVER EVER TRUST MY FAMILY in that. Oh no. I won't. I'd prolly tell them when I'm either already pregnant or about to be married. Haha, anything prior to that, would be kept top secret.

Lastly, I'd play more and think less.

Now, I have to stop feeling sorry. This life ain't going anywhere and I'm taking control. Somehow.

Archi Schmarsy

I'd never be an architect. I might have thought for a year or two that I could be one but now I know I'm not made to be one. I signed up for it to please my family. In the end I started to like. That doesn't translate to me being one.

Studying the architecture part was easy, learning the other things that goes with it makes me sweat like an overgrown inmate. I guess, i'd always have a love affair with architecture and arts. I'd always look at floorplans and models differently. And I'd still watch megastructures on NGC weekly. Haha!

I better rethink my life at this point. I'm officially in my quarter-life and I ain't getting any younger. I'd always remember my 3rd year design class with RB. He interrupted me in the middle of my not so nice presentation to announce, "Si Leanne (he calls me by his daughter's name), ang galing talaga mambola."

Maybe I really am on the wrong path back then. Maybe I'm supposed to be a real life "mambobola". Then again, you know I can't sell anything. Even myself.

A Day Surfing

Am just checking random sites since I've nothing better to do at home. Though being a bum might suck big time, having nothing to think about for the rest of the day is quite nice too.

I just read that Marcheline Bertrand, Angie's mom died of cancer recently. It was the first time really that I came upon her name or picture. Sad though. I mean, Angie can kick ass (aside from the more obvious fact that she was able to get herself impregnated by hunky Brad which I'm sure is on thewishlist of almost every other woman in the world who knows who he is) literally. And for someone to be like that, it has to come somewhere. Mom, I would assume, has a very strong character.

Then I saw Jen's gown. Awww. I just had one thing to say: Why didn't I get the skinny genes in the family? Bleh. Oh, I remember...hehe

Speaking of skinny, I was browsing through the channels an hour or so ago. After getting tired of getting myself scared from watching Godsend, I decided to stick with the Tyra Show. I know about the really bad photos that's been circulating lately and how it became the basis to people saying she's fat and ugly and overweight. Point is, so what? Self image dude. So what?! Ugh.

They interviewed an anorexic mom on the show. Said she knows she's sick but she doesn't understand that she's thin enough. I can't imagine how hard it is to have something like that. I mean, being physically sick is bad enough. Having a voice inside your head telling you something else is just unimaginable. Like the people who are OC, heck, we use it lightly but how does it feels like to actually want to do something over and over and over again? And you can't so nothing. Inside your head you just gotta do it over and over again. That's just plain scary.

Santa Got It Wrong

I was told that if you really want something all you gotta do is wish for it so hard and you'd somehow get it. That the universe would conspire in the most inconspicuous ways to be able to make your wish a definite and audible reality.

Well sometimes, I also think Santa gets his Christmas wishlist fucked up real bad. Of course I can't mop around Santa nor can I question what the cosmos gave me when they actually gave me what I wanted. It's a matter of perspective really. It's like wishing for the irony in life. As the song goes, it's meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. No, I didn't meet anyone. It's not THAT@!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wished for something, and made sure I wish for it hard. I prayed day and night for the cosmos to rearrange the stars for me and for Santa to make the gift ready even when Christmas is not due within months...then I get it. Now I don't want it. And I've got no clue as to what to do with it.

Incinerators?

Darn.

Random

I'm 3 hours short of being awake for 24 hours now. Nothing new. Nothing horrifyingly different about it. I just wanna say it because it makes it more real. Especially since my head's swarmed with visions of ecstasy. Yeah, high ata ako.

I said I'd rant the moment I get home. I never got into it though. Hmm, I guess Joe fed me enough not to feel too bad about having to stay at work way past my bedtime. Maybe I just didn't want to be that cranky today. Whatever!

As usual, the moment I stepped into the house, no one minded me. Hahaha~ Well, almost. But I was too tired to even care. Heck, I was too tired to even care where the cab driver was taking me to. Usually I'd be barking orders from the backseat but this time, I just stared out the window. Ohh, I love driving around, I do, as long as I'm not driving. We all know what a disaster it would be if I am. Makes me really want to rethink my dreams of getting my own wheels again. Yeah, that'll get me around more since public transport ain't my thing, but heck, I'd pester people left and right every single time I'd take a wrong turn. College was easy, it was just Marcos Hi-way, Katipunan, UP-Campus. Easy right? Just 3 turns from the moment I leave the village. Great!

Anyway, I got to take over the couch and the tv immediately. Heck, in a house like ours, you gotta take your claim or someone else would and you'd have nothing to do for the rest of your day. Since my sister decided she's taking claim of our room where she's using the pc to blast out undecipherable music (Kait might know these but not me) so I decided the living area's mine.

Nothing interesting. Got to see the Bodyguard for the nth time though. Yeah, I know, I always say I hate the sappy crappy things. Well, not really. I'm a sucker for it just so you'd know. Plus, I always liked to watch movies, crappy, sappy or not.

I'm playing with photoshop. As always, I got tired of this blog's look. I just dunno what look I want now. I've covered almost everything. Black and white, grays, orange, red, maroon, green, gorgoyles, photos, seashores...Darn! What else? Me. Hahaha~

I'm taking a short break. Yes, I deserve to have one, thank you! And while I'm munching on...Thanks Joe!...I'd blog. I know, I know, I really don't have anything nice or cool to say but heck, I'm about to lose my marbles here so I just need a very good excuse to stop starting at the colorful thingies on BP or the lined cells of excel.

Anyway, I cam upon this really lenghty question/thread/entry of Bobby. Well, we all know Bobby who by the way texted me his new number yesterday thrice. Dude! Spamming is bad! Back to the entry...So he's got this long thing about women being gold-diggers and I decided to answer him up. Very subtly. Hehe~ I'd post it later.

The team's planning to head down south soon. Knowing the team though, it would take a verrrrrry long time ro finalize everything. Boss though is willing to pay for the accomodations. So are really going to Blue Coral? I hope. I know I need it.

Finally I got to chat with Janrey after 3 mos. Boy, working at Oman sure is bad for this friendship. Haha~ Nah, I just miss him me guess. I mean, the guys and I have meeting up regularly lately and I've no one to go home with. Wala na akong kasabay papuntang north since everyone lives down south. Well, Mikey and Randell heads to Katips together then Ryan and Nonoy would take the cab to wherever (san nga ba kayo nakatira? hehe) and Hanne gets to ride home alone because Janrey's at Oman! O man! I even asked him if he can come home this summer since we're planning on flying to errr....Agnes' place (san uli ung Del Monte Plantation? Really, my mind is turning to mush) with a layover at either Samar or Cebu c/o Dylan. Anyways, Janrey said he can't. Bummer. Oh well, am not sure myself if I could score some leaves on those dates. Harhar.

And speaking of Dylan...Man, someone's stalking really bad. I've got the most hits on this blog because someone was searching your name. I got more hits with your name than my own, and this is mine. Seriously, may tinakbuhan ka bang babae? Mwehehehe~

Back to Bobby's entry:

BOBBY:

I just wanna ask the guys here about your take on this.

Normally, we guys make a joke on this type of women, saying things like, "Sure, this girl just wants a guy with CARacter and PESOnality."

Of course, women seem to speak more subtly about this and the generic line seem to be, "Ang gusto ko sa lalaki eh yung may ambisyon." Everybody will probably hate a guy with a mediocre ambition in life but, do you thing a generic line like that from a woman is the first sign of gold digging? What's your take on that? Do you aim for such woman (who most likely belongs in the sophisticated, upper tier) and play the game that she wants or do you want your woman to keep it low and keep it real?

Hanne:

don't you think it's a bit harsh to say that it's a sign of gold digging already? like when you say you want a pretty girlfriend, does that translate to saying you want a trophy wife in the future? i doubt. anyways, in my case, i really want someone na may ambisyon.

i came from a family where the wife (my mom) was the provider while my dad stayed home and used his spare time on his vices. sa tingin ko i have to aim higher than that! so sigurado ako, gusto ko ng lalakeng may ambisyon, someone who's got bigger and better dreams than me if possible.

BOBBY:

In the context of your situation, I guess it's ok for you to react like that.

Personally, I believe that the husband should always have a better financial stature than the wife since the latter tends to be territorial in terms of the household domain.

For example, when it comes to my parents, my mom always act like the house is her turf. Although I would say that my dad is the financial provider, my mom is the ORDER FREAK, acting like she's the boss always, often times disregarding the status quo of my father as the PADRE DE PAMILYA.

And then I thought, "Had my mom been earning more than my Dad, how much less respect is she going to him?"

My mom's side is richer than my dad's since most of the people from my mom's side are in the States already hence they're financially richer than the people from my Dad's side.

However, mom ended up in a profession that doesn't give that much salary so the burden was passed to my dad who's an OFW most of his life hence, he had a higher salary than mom.

But mom's the more ambitious of the two and she's pushing dad to give more (financially) than what he normally gives, which was most likely less than what mom's expecting.

So I thought, "Is mom right in doing this or is she gold digging already?"

She would always say, "Kung hindi dahil sa akin, di tayo magkakaroon ng sariling bahay at malamang nakatira sa tayo sa bahay ng lola mo (Dad's mom). Ako pa ang nangumbinse sa kanya paulit ulit na bumukod tayo. And now, kailangan ko sya ulit na kulitin na lumipat na States at tanggapin na yung US immigrant visa petition approval from your lola (Mom's mom)."

I guess I have to agree with mom that there's never enough money so whenever there's an opportunity for a greener pasture, one should always take it.

But then again, I never knew much about Dad's OFW life and maybe after all those years of stresses work, he'd inevitably settle for contentment, and aim no further to climb the social ladder.

This situation of my family somehow made me develop a subconscious hate for gold diggers since I don't want my future wife to treat me as such, assuming that I'll work abroad, after all those years of working in isolation. But at the same time, I never agreed on dad's level of ambition.

Yup. I'm kinda confused.

Hanne:

Since you asked me personally to check what you had to say then lemme give my piece.

based on what you posted, i'd agree, you're confused. haha~ but dear, your mom is pushing your dad to be a better provider not so she could hoard his hard earned money and keep it for herself. that in the simplest context won't hold up as being a "gold digger" imho. if anything, your mom is just the "doer" in your family. if she wants a house, she'd go get it even when it means pushing your dad around. siguro mali lang yung pag-present niya ng situation, or medyo radical yung approach niya when dealing with your dad and that's why it became so negative you. sympre yun ang nakikita mo. have you ever thought that maybe your dad wanted that too but just needs that extra push that your mom would so readily give him?

yun lang.

SM

Penny and I were chatting a while ago. We're both sleepy. Wanting to catch some ZZZs we started talking about looking for a place to crash into for an hour or so. Power nap galore. The she said, "sleep tayo SM" and I was like, "what?!"

"Sa Motel." She said.

I was thinking, we're in the middle of QC, it won't be hard. I then told her it would be nice cos I haven't been inside a motel before. She cried, "No way! Is that for real?"

Hehe. Never been inside a motel room physically. Not even the lobby. EVER. So kill me. Hahahaha~