Capitalist

What makes a capitalist? I have no idea.

I know of one person though who claims I am a capitalist. Hmmm...I think he meant to say that I know what I have and I use that to my advantage. If that's what he meant then maybe I am a capitalist by nature. Who isn't?

Sidelines

Two weeks and I've been flooded by binary thoughts. Anything that has something to do with you, and everything that has nothing to do with you.

Recent events made me take one last glance to the past before I decided to step off the road and park along the unused paved jackets. I told myself I want to be out of the game to be able to watch everything from the sidelines soon. I may be retiring a lot earlier than expected. Knowing myself though, I'd be itching to be back in the fastlane soon. For now, let me watch from here.

If I get a ticket for every single time I pull over, I'd have an entire suitcase filled with it. History tells me that sometimes it's just better to pull back and let everyone else get ahead of you. You let people get their way, you let friends take your place, you let family on your space and you let strangers take what's supposed to be yours. And it might seem to most like a sad fate, but it actually gives me more relief than one can imagine. After all, you can gauge the wealth you have with what you are willing to give up. I am willing and most of the time, able to give up almost everything for almost everyone and tells me one thing. People, man, woman, child, friends and foe, lovers and family...they are still the most important things to me. That tells me a lot.

I will be forever amazed at how resilient a person in love can be. What's more amazing is the amount of courage people display when they are hurt by those same people they have loved. No one's been spared of heartbreak. That singular moment when one honestly believes that pain could kill him in an instant. Well, we're all still alive aren't we? And we all went past that moment unknowingly.

Maybe, what I simply wanted to say is this: Man is a great creature. We have the intellect that made us great, and we have the emotions that made us even greater. But that our greatest enemy is also our greatest salvation...We find the best and worst things in each other. If only we get to appreciate that even our enemies are to be thanked for and that even adversaries could be friends in the end, we'd all end up on the side street willing to cheer on our opponents once in a while.

I'm cheering on a lot of people now.

I'm cheering you...You who taught me the real meaning of family, of forgiveness and of pride. I don't want anything to do with you anymore, I'd rather be miles away with nothing in me than be with you and feel remorse for everything that you took from me and everyone that I love. Still, I'm cheering you. I know life is lonely on your side of the road. And I know that going through the motions of life with nothing to look back on makes you wonder where you're headed. You'd get there...one way of another.

I'm cheering you...You who told me that happiness is my responsibility. I know that, I told other people about that myself and I saw first hand what it meant. I have to take responsiblity over my life and take hold of the the things that would make me complete and happy, after all, everyone would unconsciously or consciously put themselves first before any other person. And that's exactly what you. You put everyone else behind you and you used them and ruined them. I pity you yet I cheer you. You're the first person who admitted that there's nothing wrong for being responsible over your own happiness...just like me. I cheer for you. I hope you find yourself and the source of that wonderful forever we've long talked about. And though you broke me into pieces, you are yet to ruin me...I'd leave that to forever to happen *wink*

I'm cheering you...You who taught me that I can be head of this family. It's a big responsibility to take on but it seems you are not willing to take it so I had to step in. I don't think I'm doing a great job either, I have to admit. But I am more than proud that I was willing to take over and still manage to make improvements, though the travel is excruciatingly slow, we'd get there with or without you. Let me wish you that in the years to come you might understand why I've been pushing you to move ahead when you're more than content to stay behind. I hope that time would finally reveal to you why I've challenged you every step of the way and why until now I'm crying like a child everytime you decide to dall behind...I am still A CHILD after all. I am your child.

And the list goes on. Let me tell you though, the view behind the wheel and the view beside the road are a lot different. It won't hurt to step out of the race once in a while. It's worth every second lost.

Ayun!

My friend Hernan's been telling me I need to hire someone to check each and every entry I make. E goodluck naman talaga sa grammar at spelling ko. Minsan may mga nawawala pang words sa entries ko. At kahit nakita ko na sila, tamad akong mag-edit. So there, yung mga hinde makatanggap sa errors ko can continue wincing until their facial muscles expires. Hirap mag blog ng half asleep, half awake, almost asleep, tired and super tired at lalo na kapag pasingit lang sa work. Atl + tab pag may dumadaan, nawawala ang train of thoughts, or biglang segway ang topic. At ayun, grammatical errors galore! Sige na, patawarin na ninyo ako.

Interlude

I haven't been blogging a lot lately. Too much crap to clean up. At home, at work, at school, inside me. I'm holding upr eal well, considering I'm one who usually breaks down under stress. Let me rephrase that, I'm one who usually breaks down AFTER everyone else who's been under stress have already flushed themselves down the toilet...that doesn't make sense huh? Tell me, life ain't making sense at all.

Was able to chat with Iska this morning when she dropped by my station. People were sent home early due to some tools issues. I really can't tell if she's surprised with the recent events in my life or what. Hehe~ She seemed to be errr...lost. And then there's Randy. After being so malambing for weeks, checking on me every so often and calling me, get this, "mahal" ever since we started talking again. He admitted that he's alcoholic. Sheesh~ Before it was sex, then drugs, then gambling. What's next mahal? He also apologize for having the balls to even suggest that we should have a kid together. Apology accepted. It's no laughing matter and only we could understand why we even talk about things like that. Crap~ Just reminded me I'm one single female just trying to get by with everything...How fun!

The other day I was at UP, and after class I took a long walk along the acad oval. My sister went ahead of me and was home already at that time so I've no one to go home with and decided to just past time. I used to take walks around the oval whenever something's bothering me. Then as I was walking I realized just how different I am than most people I know. Most have the normal things one would expect, a regular family with the reunions and good 'ol family tsismisan and tampuhans, a parent (or both) who's got a regular full time job, a full time work that helps them get by, a relationship just like most 20 something people, a social life, a hobby etc. Now, now...where do I fit in? Semi normal 20 something person? pwede. Not so bad really. It's actually nice.

So I started to say a little prayer while walking. Just a general thanks to the cosmos for making me different yet not apart from everyone else. And I asked for more. More challenges. More hurdles. And I asked for the strength of ten thousand men to withstand such. Ang tapang ko pa naman, tapos may extra din palang hihilingin. E bakit ba? Kanya-kanyang style nalang muna.

Technology is amazing. I can't imagine myself without my phone (though I rarely use it) and my PC and everything else that goes with it like internet and YM. I just sent a message to Randell this morning that maybe we could have coffee this Friday since I don't have a class and the last time we were out I left early because of previous engagements with Hernan and Tim. So I just felt compelled to make it up to them. Next thing I knew he's asking me to text Mikey because he already asked him to have coffee this Friday. Then Janrey texted me and asked if we could move it Friday so Michelle can join and now Dylan just told me we could do it Saturday and Pay, Dara, Bing and Kath would like to have coffee at Gateway. Sounds fun! Count me in. Now, i still need to find time to meet up with Louie this Friday. he's introducing me to his lay luv. Ano ako? Ate??? Well, that's my Louie. Hehe~

I gotta sleep. It's almot 4PM and I've work later. Release of sched tonight! Whopee~ Last day! One last hurdle and crunch time is over, until Sunday of course...then I go back. Harhar~

Zoom!

That was fast! I'm already exporting schedules? Now? I'm good. Hahaha~

I wanna watch The Devil Wears Prada again. I like. And the OST is nice. I like too. A lot. Am falling in love with The City of Blinding LIghts and Feeling' Hypnotized.

Back to work!

Back To Zero

Am tired. Very tired. Work. Too much. Ugh! More.

Out Goes The Bad

Years ago, back in college, I would suffer from extreme pain during my periods. Now, now, this is not an ad for Midol. Point is, Nonoy told me that pain and sickness are a physical manifestation of what we feel inside, of our emotions and state of mind. That similar to the act of giving birth, my body was trying to let out something very painful, something that my mind and heart can no longer take hold of and control. At that time I was going through a major family misunderstanding. Three successive months and I was ready to see the doctor in fear that I may be harboring some tumor down under or what not. I cried and yelled and passed out in pain. My mom and lola can't do anything as I would punch myself over and over and then I'd just pass out cold on my bed from the pain. Midol, Tylenol, Advil, Revalan, Alaxan...they did nothing to help me at that time. And then, it was gone. I was back to normal the following weeks. Mild discomfort, a day of pain and then gone. And I don't even need to take in any kind of medication...

It was back this week. This time it was different though, I've no period. The cramps, the pain, the discomfort came even before the menstruation itself. For days I was immobile. I'd head to work and just sit there, still. Same once I get home, I'd head straight to bed and stay there.

I think I was able to let out the bad now. I'm feeling good. Not great, but good.

I slept quite early last night, was hoping I'd be at Pampanga by now, but things got messed up and here I am, stuck at home waiting for time. Cecile called twice last night. My mom and dad kept on asking me who she is. Nobody calls me at home. Absolutely no one. You'd think I've no friends because the phone NEVER rings for me. I could classify the people who calls me into 3. One would be the people at work, the RTAs or managers, who in their panic would call me at home in the middle of the day (when I'm asleep) and expect me to be able to work out their troubles WITHOUT my pc or templates or BP or spreadsheets or CMS. Then second would be Citibank slash Globe slash Ideal Bank slash other banks. They have all these promos and whatnots, they'd constantly hound you to get a secondary card, a secondary line, a supplementary credit line, shields, plan expansions etc. Hay! Third would be the other companies I've been checking out, schedules for interviews, exams, over the phone assesment and the likes. NO ONE CALLS ME.

And now there's Cecile. She calls almost daily, several times a day in fact. That got my parents spooked. So I tried to explain to them who she is. I left the part of course that I was hooked with her BF several weeks back or that I've been dating this guy for almost 2 years now and that I'm not as inexperienced in relationships as they thought. One down. Now, do i still need to explain to them who the other guys are? Forget it. No need.

Sister and I have canceled dinner plans twice now. It was Tabs surprise birthday party last night and I wasn't able to come. Heck, getting a ride is easy, money ain't a problem, the people there are great. I'm just in no mood to see THAT much people. Funny how inseparable sister and I were. Last year we we're together everyday. I spend more time with her than any other person in the entire planet. And though we went through some of the hardest times together we know that we'd have to leave each other sooner or later. Now it's happened. No bad blood between us. I know she needs to be away for now. I know she wants to be with Ian and her new friends. She knows I'm doing fine being by myself. She udnerstands that me canceling out on her doesn't mean I love her any less. Sarap.

Dylan gave me a very surprising speech last night when I showed him something. It felt good knowing someone is telling you something real. I know for a fact he won't give me any BS because that won't do us any good. It's nice. I told him so. Thanks.

Something also got cleared between Randell and me. I'm his friend after all. Hahaha~ He told me he was just scared of telling me back then what he really thought and just tried to fend me off of him because he said he didn't know what I would do or say if I know what's been happening between him and the others. Sabi nga niya, "kampihan" sa barkada. I told him I hate it when people assume that just because I'm with friends with someone I'd automatically make kampi. Hello?! Look at May and BJ and Randy and Rei. Magkagulo na sila pero lahat sila friends ko pa rin. Look at Hernan, he's one of my closest confidant even when i know he's barkada with Czar, with Em and some other people I don't like at all. I tell him what I think but I also trust him. Same goes with me, I'm friends with Joey and he knows that but Hernan and I never made it a point to see our friendship as something dependent on other people's relations. Randell told me that he feels we never really spent any time together. I said it's not the amount of time people spent together or what they've done together or what they've been through together that would define their friendship. I told him "na nasa pag-unawa at pagtanggap" yun. Of course I might be wrong, but it sure feels right to see it that way.

I had a short chat with Kait yesterday. She got to tell me one of the Patience girls said they could prolly have a reunion in the US and that she and Jill were like "whatever!" Haha~ I told her that Sheryll's helping me get my resume around to headhunters. And I gave her the link to CJ's blog that I happened to pass once. To be frank, I was suprised that I was able to chat with Che again. We had a falling out back in high school. We were too close then, too close for comfort in my end. And I told her so. She responded by staying away. I won't say I miss her, since I've long learned to be without her. But it sure is nice to be able to know that everything's great with her and that she's got everything going. You gain some, you lose some. What's improtant is that you never fail to see what you once have and thank that for being a part of who you are.

I just got off the phone with Cecile. My blog writing was interrupted by my CP's ringing. An hour over the phone and I deduced, Patrick's stupid for hurting all those girls. He's stupid for hurting a lot of people. And too bad he got to me. I know he's a hurting a lot with what's happening with him and Cecile and that I didn't make a dent to his heart at all. But if being honest with Cecile prompted her to leave him, then maybe...I really AM the woman who ruined him. *big grin here*

I Need To Blog

I received a notification through email that they'd close my blogcity account if I don't blog. Yun lang pala e. Madali lang yan! Let's Blog!

Hmmm...

When someone tells you that she would stick around this time unlike before you'd believe that, of course, what's the point of not believing right? When you ask someone what's happening with their life and who this person is and they tell you they wanna keep it secret, you stop asking questions, what's the point in pushing the other person right? When it was my turn to suddenly shut up and by sheer chance happened to coincide with certain particular events that involves another person then everything gets screwed up. Hmm...

And yes I agree, people see what they want to see. I knew I screwed up, and that's why I apologized immediately, though some might not think offline messages count as anything anymore. I get that too. And maybe apologies should have more considerable input other than "I'm going through shit" like the way I did. Heck, I was going through shit and I'm not in command of my senses. Call that my excuse but believe me it's hard to put up any sentence when you're depressed. And maybe short messages like that can be read and interpreted in so many ways. SO I guess short messages like these don't hold any water as well: "I know that I've apologized before that I wasn't able to be with you through those 'problematic' days but I promise that I'll be there when the rainy days set in again. Although hopefully, sana lagi na lang happy." since my short pseudo explanation slash late apology over chat did not stay afloat.

I said I can stand losing people...but I didn't want to. Seems like not everyone feels the same. Oo nga naman, why should people be like me? Ang loser ko nga pala.

Someone told me negativity won't help any of us. Then why do we all gravitate towards it? I do. It's easier to hate someone and be mad and even apathetic than be sympathetic an forgiving. Maybe this time he's wrong.

Catching Up

I hate playing catch up with anything. I want to be always ahead. Well, that's just impossible I think. Right now, I'm just trying hard to catch up with my work. It's already 5AM and I should've been done an hour ago. Sheesh~ Me hates this.

Human Relations

I'm just way tired of having to interpret other people. In as much as I would like to say, "to hell with you!" and "I don't care what you think!" I do care and I don't want to just brush people off like they are not important. I know I could live without certain people. Heck, I was able to do it. Of course though, just like everything human, I want to conenct and reconnect. But really, it's tiring. Putting up with everyone's mood swings and whatnot are just darn tiring.

I have my own set of mood swings and indifinite changes in mental sanity...only difference is I tell people. It might not help much really, but my point is, at least I'm telling you to not talk to me or to back off before anything bad happens between us because I really can't control myself at the moment. It works most of the time, especially here at work.

Recently, I've been conducting interviews again for the new posts within the team. I used to really enjoy that, being able to talk to the agents and have them tell me what they think and me being able to explain to them some obscure facts that got filtered down and was left unexplained. Now though, the entire thing seems to be getting old. Maybe because I know they could hire anyone and it really won't me personally given that I'd still be alone in my one man department. Second, knowing that the person we'd hire might just end up all disappointed...just like us.

Then there's myself. I don't know how to pick myself up lately. Am losing hope. Me? Lose hope? I never thought it was possible. I guess, I know now.

Now I'm blabbing. Long story short, I hate it when people act up for no reason. And if you do have one, tell the other person involved will you, we we're not made to read minds and know excatly how you're feeling. If you don't want to then let go and move on, negativity just won't do you any good.

Well, that's my take on it. And that's what I've been trying to do.

On the other side of my world...he's still alive. I want him dead! Hahaha~ Well, with all honesty, I'm okay with it. He could live for 5,000 years as Cecile would say and I really don't care. I'm in the process of erasing him from my life. Good thing nobody really knows him, it saves me a lot of explaining. Sorry friends, but some things are meant to be kept. Also, I wanna be able to forgive him as soon as possible. I want my conscience to be clean. No negativity as much as possible.

Ice Queen

So I guess I'm back. As a friend said, the "bitch queen" should be back. I said, am no bitch. I'd rather be the Ice Queen. Unfeeling. Frozen. Unmoved.

***Or maybe I'm just kiddin myself. Ugh~

Done

I wrote this yesterday. And yesterday was a lot different.

Slowly I'm sinking. I guess, I haven't really felt anything until lately. You go through denial first, then you feel anger. I'm at the anger stage me thinks. When all I can think of is how much I want his balls to literally fall off.

Number 1 just called me to tell me someone told her that he just brought home number 3 last night. Went off and was back after 45 minutes with another girl. Number 1 thought it was me. I said I'm NOT gonna see that moron again! The nerves. I told number 1 I was out with friends and went ahead to see a movie with Hernan and Tim. Lo and behold, of all the people in the entire metro I get to see his cousin on queue at the same line we're in. And how can I forget that someone in the movie kept on shouting his name over and over again. I wanted to jump every single time Anne Hathaway or the other assistant would say it out loud on the big screen. For me, it's just horrible to be reminded when all I want is to forget.

I know also that I'm being a bitch lately. Please, please forgive me. i'm not even asking any of the people I deal with to understand because not everyone's as stupid as I am apparently, but please don't take any of these personally. I'm hoping I'd be out of the rut in a few more days.

September 3, 2006
4:04 PM

I was only able to tell four people what really happened last Thursday and what's been happening after that afternoon. You could say I'm much more afraid of what people would say if they know the entire story of my stupidity. It's enough I guess that I can't seem to forgive myself for being foolish.

I did what I think was right at that moment. But as I'd always say, what you think is right may not always be the best and vice versa. I've been had and that's that. I felt bad, I was so close to being able to prevent such thing from happening, but the heavens have other ideas. Everything was a month late. I was alerady halfway through my death when I found out that I've been stabbed at all. And as much as I want to blame myself, I can't since I was not alone.

One thing I couldn't believe up to now is how someone as normal as him could be so evil and demented. Never in my life did I imagine I'd meet someone who's psychologically distressed in anyway. I thought I was the worst mentally ill person I know of. Apparently I was wrong. Someone's more insane than me and what a huge difference we have. My mind is filled with fairies and unicorns compared to what he has inside of him.

The worse part of being through this entire thing is that I am now, more than ever, afraid of trusting anyone again. I don't even want to be with anyone at the moment in fear that they too are capable of consciously hurting me. It seems I couldn't trust my intuition anymore. My feelings are so numb and my mind so confused I no longer know when to believe someone and when not to. Everyone all of a sudden turned into an enemy. I hope I'd get over this soon. I don't want to be paranoid. People deserve better. My friends deserve better.

I still have one unfinished business with him. I'm still waiting, hoping that I don't even need to go through that. I cannot imagine how miserable things would be if I have to be constantly reminded of how he singlehandedly ruined me....with my consent. i don't know how I'd ever get through that!

In Retreat

I'm sorry everyone. I'd be retreating for now. I need to head back to my happy place...alone. Don't take it personally if I'm not around physically, mentally or emotionally for the next few days. I'm just fixing myself from the inside.

A Series Of Unbelievable Events

When your phone rings you don't expect another person to start interrogating you about the man you're seeing. When your phone rings you don't stay on for three hours talking to a stranger you've never met before. When you answer your phone, you don't expect to have your entire life thrown away with carelessness. No, you never expect those.

How unbelievable is it that on taking the chance to talk to this stranger you'd learn that you've been had? That you'd learn about someone's hidden lives. That you'd learn that you're not only the other woman but that there are several others among yourself and the One. That you'd learn about all the lies he told you and the others, only he makes everyone else looks like the perpetrator when in reality you're all victims. That he dragged you in the middle of his stories without a care, knowing full well you'd end up a sacrifice to feed his ego. All that happened to me in one phone conversation with a starnger I've never met.

He had us wrapped around his fingers. We tried to get even. We' re not yet through. We haven't even started yet. I just wish my unlikely ally would keep her word. I hope.

I have one wish. It's nothing grave or harmful. But I know he'd die if ever it happenss. He'd die from the inside out.